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Thursday, May 31, 2007
Friends Forever Never Forever
It's difficult when you get to the realization that it's time to cut certain people out of your life for good. I've always been the person to give second and third chances when they weren't warranted, because I try so hard to see that little bit of good that's in everyone. I'm not ignorant though; I realize that that little bit of good really doesn't mean much if it's not used. Sometimes we just grow apart, but it's so painful realizing that you've grown so far apart, taking completely different paths, when you spent most of your life growing (up) together.

Some of us hold our friends closer than we do our families, and usually for good reason. My now-former best friend was a part of my family. We became friends in the sandbox 20 years ago this past February. Our parents coordinated vacations, we went to summer camp together, and we shared stories of first kisses, first dates, bad fashion, bad boyfriends, "the first time", promises to be in each other's weddings, and everything else two chicks can talk about. At school, we were called 'the twins'--yeah, it was that serious. We went our separate ways for college, but managed to stay close with weekend visits and spring break trips. My roommates thought she was a student at our school as much as she was at my place to visit, lol.

But as much as things stay the same, they do change. In high school, she was the wild one (we were both wild, but she was the zoo so to speak, lol)--always had some story about some boy and forever in looooove. I held her hand at Planned Parenthood and did the walk of confusion with her as she weighed her options and made her decisions--twice. I never really thought about it at that point, but she was laying the blueprint for her later adult life our subsequent 'break up'.

There comes a point when you should know better, when you stop trying to prove your adulthood to the world, when your womanhood is graceful and not forced, when you learn the value of your soul and your body. We all need a hand to hold or someone to be our rock and hold us up every now and again, but when that 'now and again' becomes 'more often than not', friendships get strained.

Our friendship was strained to the point of dysfunction. Rather than be proud of her when she announced her position as a reading teacher in a well-known charter school, I honestly felt sorry for her students because I knew that they'd be in for a roller coaster ride. Thankfully, I was wrong. She handles her job with grace, but when she leaves that school, all hell breaks loose. Since I moved to the Urrea a year and a half ago (*time is flying. I can't believe it's been that long.), I've settled into adult life and stopped living like I'm a carefree college senior (still having fun though!). But this girl, with her grown-up job and grown up responsibilities, still thinks that getting pissy drunk to hook up with a man she met at the bar that night and going to work with a hangover is still cute.

I'm in no way trying to say I'm better than her. I can't do that because I've screwed up royally too. But at this point, there's nothing left. Usually, when you hook up with an ooooollllld friend, you still manage to find some common ground or find a way to have a good time, even if your lives have taken divergent paths. But this time, no. When I was home last, and when she came to visit last week with a few of our other friends from home, it was gone. No longer old girlfriends, but two people who used to know each other back in the day. We both recognize it, but I'm the one doing something about it and I feel sort of guilty or bad or something. It's like breaking up with an old boyfriend that you stay with only because the relationship is comfortable--difficult, but necessary.

I walked away from my best friend associate today and I think I'm better for it. Ahh, it feels good to actually say that. Peace and blessings to you girl!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Keepin it Real?
I got an email yesterday from an old friend/associate (we've gone down differing paths over the years, but still remain fairly close), and in the footer of the email, she had some random quote from Ghandi and "Keep It Real". I was sort of shocked to see that in the footer because over the years and currently, she makes it her responsibility to follow the latest trends to a T and to try her damndest to keep up with the money makers and the Joneses (on a teacher's salary), even though she admits to not liking half of the things she's purchased, etc.

Then I got to thinking about all the rappers and media people forever drilling "Keep It Real" or some version thereof into the minds of the masses, but at the same time trying to harangue everyone into buying their movie, CD, or whatever have you. Last time I checked, keeping it real involves me being comfortable in my own skin, liking what I like, being who I want to be, and doing what I want to do unashamedly. It doesn't require being told what to buy, what to like, what to wear, especially if those are things I don't want to be doing.

I know that sounds all elementary, because I guess in theory it is. But something just doesn't sit right with me about hearing "keep it real", especially from the media. How you gon' tell me to keep it real when you're the fakest thing going? Your whole image is created by someone else, and expertly maintained, so where do you come off trying to sell "keep it real" wolf tickets, when you can't practice that which you preach?

When I was growing up, I had no problem dancing to my own beat. I guess I was that little oddball girl. Sure, I listened to the same stuff everyone else listened to, but I had interests that didn't fit the profile of a black girl being raised by her mama. I loved camping, cars, tap dancing, and dinosaurs--everything that was real to me. But I got called out a lot for being 'different'. Some people thought I was strange because I was living my kind of real...not the real that I was 'supposed' to be living. In high school, I got told by some asshole boy that "you ain't keepin it real, girl why you frontin" when he saw me jamming to No Doubt's "Tragic Kingdom" CD. I mustered up the nerve to ask him what he meant, and he couldn't really explain. His statement was invalid to me, so I kept on jamming.

"Keep it Real", "Keep it Gangsta", "Keep it Gully"...if doing so means that I have to be like everyone else, act like an ignorant azzhole, or be on the block for no good reason instead of doing what is realest to me (whether that's being on the block, or being in the classroom) then I want no part of it.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007
What I learned on my (almost) summer vacay...
I hope everyone had a wonderful, blessed holiday weekend. I had such a good time being away from the plantation doing a whole lot of nothing but eating and chilling, and some catching up with my girls from back home who came through on Friday night before we left for Philly. But I did manage to learn a few things during my travels with Hunny...

-Road trips with men are different:
We went from Maryland to Philly--a straight shot up I-95 and still managed to get lost. I told Hunny I'd drive through Delaware so we didn't end up going across the Delaware Memorial Bridge and onto the Jersey Turnpike, but he said his military navigation skills were on point so I should trust him. (This is always his standard reasoning, lol!) *Ahem*. *Cough*. Umm, apparently he didn't cover sign reading skills in his training, cuz we ended up crossing the bridge and taking some crazy azz alternate route across the gottdamned Jersey Turnplike. Two hours later, I saw the same group of 5 cows for the third time, so I took over and got us there with zero issues.

-Gas Station Restrooms are for the hardcore only:
I've never been one for public restrooms, but I can deal with the ones at the big rest areas on the highways because at least I know they get cleaned a few times a day. But on our way, somehwere between northern Maryland's Chesapeake House and the *only* rest area on the Delaware Turnpike, I really had to go. So we get off at an exit, expecting to find one of those 24-hour type gas stations with the lil mini mart and a decently clean restroom inside. I don't know where the hell we were, but it must have been skipped over by time because we drove a good 4 miles and the best we could find was this lil azz po-dunk gas station (yall, the pumps don't even take credit cards) with the old grizzly looking attendant who just looked like he may have burned some crosses on the black folks' yard back in his day. He gave me the key to the restroom, which was outside in the back of the building. I opened the door and lil black bugs came flying out and it smelled like old gym socks and shit to be blunt. I've never seen such crazy looking mildew. I cringed, handled my biz, and ran like a bat out of hell. My appreciation for real rest areas is now immeasurable.

-When the baby pics come out, just leave:
Of course every cookout with reunion becomes some type of "Remember when you did ____?? I got pics to prove it!" family reunion. I should have considered this before offering to bring Hunny to visit these people. Really. Should. Have. Within a half hour of arriving at my cousin's house, the pictures of me in mid-upchuck standing in line for Space.Mountain at Dis.ney World and other unpleasantess were being passed around the table like a basket of chicken at a church picnic. Ahh yes, laughs at my expense. I was just about ready to crawl into a hole.

-Make sure the cookout can cook:
When you get invited to a BBQ, you assume that there will be some cooking going on right? Well if there's no grill, there's no cooking, LMAO! We got to another cousin's house for what she called "The biggest Memorial Day Cookout EVAH" on her evite. We got there, and yep...there were a bunch of people, but no food. There was no food, cuz THERE. WAS. NO. GRILL. Ol' girl had to send someone to Wal-Mart to pick up a charcoal gril, cuz apparently in their preparations, they'd forgotten all about it. Thank God the potato and pasta salads were done, cuz we were all ready to throw down. But potato salad just aint right without the burgers and fries. Next time we get an invite, we'll make sure there's a grill at the cookout location.

Lessons to live by!

Friday, May 25, 2007
Vacation's All I Ever Wanted....
Sorry for not posting this week, but I'm enjoying my much needed vacation. I haven't done much all week except for eat, sleep, and play. Today we're headed for Philly to see some family and chill, and we might take a run around Hershey Park depending on the traffic and what we feel like doing. Hunny and I are both too done with the gas prices around the urrea, especially him, since he decided to up and buy a new car with a big azz Hemi engine last week. Of course though, he wants to show his new toy off, so we're on the road with the gas guzzling beast, lol.

I was hurting for some time off from that place I call a job, and I have begun searching for something better and *ahem* well...better. I absolutely hate the place--the people moreso than the place, and I've already developed two NASTY knock-me-out-for-two-days migraines, and I can't keep going like that. So one of my girls is trying to hook me up with a fab position with the company she works with. Normally I wouldn't be job-hopping like this at all, but my sanity comes first. Ghetto birds I can deal with, but them and jacked up management and politics is haaaard on a sista.

Anyhoo, what are yall doing for the holiday weekend??? Any cookouts? If so, feel free to make me a plate, ok! Traveling and paying shit-tastic gas prices? Staying your azz at home?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Friday, May 18, 2007
Friday Flashback
I woke up with this in my head this morning, it's KRS-One "Step Into a World":

Happy Friday and have a good weekend!

Thursday, May 17, 2007
Ask Me
I thought I'd share parts of some of the emails (and my responses) that I've gotten from people who read my blog...

Hi Ms. La Bella, are you related to Patti? Please let me know cos if you are I want you to sign an autograph ok

Umm. No. I'm not related to Patti. But I really want to know why you'd want an autograph from a celebrity's relative. That's really borderline.

I miss reading about your run ins with sketchy men. Do they still happen often?

I always attract sketchball men in the grocery store, at the gym, at the mall--damn near everywhere I go. That's just the way it is. I've been collecting stories and pictures to share.

How has it been living with Hunny so far?

Both of us are still alive and we haven't broken up. That's all I have to say about that. *kidding, we're actually doing just fine*

You really should stop talking about your co-workers on your blog. I'm sure they are nice people. It's really not nice to talk about people. That's probably why they talk about you because you talk about them.

Back up, soldier. Do you work with me? Are you that girl who sits three cubes up and to the left from me? Cuz I really am not a fan of yours.

You don't do as much reflection as when you started. Why not?

Dammit man, there are only 24 hours in a day. I'm at work/commuting to work/commuting home for 12 of those hours. When I get home, I'm tired and dont always feel like waxing philosophical. I've got a lot of opinions, and you'll see them in time.

Who is your current celebrity crush?

Ahem, umm....Idris Elba. Need I say any more, ladies??

What is currently on your Ipod?

A lil bit of everything from rock to reggae. You might could even find some country on that mugg. *shhhh*, lol

Who are your heroes and why?

This requires a long answer, so I'll save that for a post some day

I need some advice. It seems like you and your boyfriend have a good thing going, so maybe you can help me find the same thing. Everytime I get into a relationship, the guy starts getting funny around 3 months and then jumps ship shortly after. And it seems like the good, decent men either don't want me or they're gay. What's going on with that? I just want to be in a relationship.

Ok, see. That's your problem right there-- "I just want to be in a relationship". Whatever happened to wanting to get to know someone and have someone love you for you and vice versa? Personally, I'd much rather be alone than bunned up with someone I'm not compatible with just for the sake of being able to say that I have a man. Trust me, being single is not a death sentence...it's as much fun as you make it. Truthfully, being in a relationship can get a lil boring at times (but you didn't hear that from me, ok)

Also, you say all these dudes jump ship at 3 months. Have you considered that it might not be the men who start acting funny, but you? If you've dated a bunch of different types of people and most of the relationships end the same way, sweetie, the common denominator in those situations is you. Of course, there are some triflin azz men out there, but if you've been in relationship after relationship, chances are they weren't all bad.

They don't want you? Well, ask yourself this...if you were a dude, would you want to date you? Looks aren't everything, so don't think that if you're a size 14 you need to be a size 4 to get a man. But outside of that, are you enjoyable to be around or are you always complaining about something or the other? What qualities do you bring to the table? Do you know how to treat a man or do you nag at him all the time? If any of these questions illicit a response to the effect of "I ain't doing isht for no man" or "Aint no man good enough..." then you've proven my point. Nuff said.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

You mean how many do I keep in my home or how many do I own (stashed at my home, my mama's house and storage)?? You really don't want to know.

Is your job really that bad?

Yup. But my eyes are open wider than a runaway slave's


Monday, May 14, 2007
Tuesday Mind Mashup
Hope everyone had a beautiful weekend and had a great Mothers Day. It was nice going to NY to see my mom, but that drive...ugh. She loved her gift, but was more excited about the fact that Hunny and I went to see her--I haven't been back home since Christmas. But I'm back to reality, and I'm sitting at work with the randomness on my mind:

-Do moms go to work the day after Mothers Day and compare gifts or lie about what they got? "Girrrrrlll, my son got me a trip to Antarctica to see da penguins!" LOL

-Why do people always tilt their head to the side in a picture? Remember in school on picture day the photographer would always have you tilt your head in some unnatural feeling way, but it was really cuz your head was leaning so you had to compensate to make it look straight?

-It seems like the grown ass men who still live with their mamas (I mean over the age of 27) have the most evil mothers/grandmothers!

-It's not smart to wear thin white linen pants with white panties with big azz red and blue flowers on them. We can see that, and it looks nasty. (I'm sitting across from that at work today. I've almost lost my breakfast a few times)

-If you know you have massive cellulite on the back of your thighs, do not...and I repeat...DO NOT think it's okay for you to not wear tight pants and no underwear. All that cellulite looks like smashed up cottage cheese, and when you switch your ass thinking you look cute, you're making everyone behind you feel unwell.

-If you're going to wear a tank top, ladies, make sure you shave your daggone underarms. I'm really tired of seeing women, especially my sistas, walking around looking like they have Cousin It in a chokehold.

-Black women, I don't know what your grandmamas told yall, but we shave. There is no reason for you to walk around with your legs looking like a pelt of deer fur because your grandmama and 'nem told you that "black women don't shave". That may have been the case 900 years ago, but for the love of cleanliness, get some Nair or something.

-Do not think it's okay to sneeze on me "Because I'm not contagious--it's just allergies". Look, you might think it's allergies, but in my world snot is still snot and I don't want yours on me or my clothing. Here's a kleenex, work it out.

-Girl, I know you're excited about your upcoming trip to Miami. I'm happy you're going and will be able to see your man, cuz I know long distance relationships are hard. But telling me every hour how you can't wait to go and how your man said he will meet you at the airport and how you said you want to buy a new car before your man gets here cuz you want to surprise him doesn't make the next two weeks go by any faster

-Yes, I have micros at the moment. No you can't touch them, especially cuz they just got done and are extra tight, so they're a lil sore. And please don't ask me how they got put in, read about it online.

-If you have corns and hammer toes, PLEASE get that fixed before you wear a pair of strappy sandals.

-When you get offended by something someone at work says to you, it is no longer funny to say "Ya Mama" in retort. This is a corporate office, not a playground. And lunch time is not recess.

-I have a huge stack of work in my inbox, but I don't feel like doing it

Friday, May 11, 2007
Happy Moms Day
I had this long post written about my mama and just how much she means to me, but somehow I managed to delete all of it. So rather than try to re-create it, I'll keep it simple and say that my mom has become my best friend over the years. I did some stuff in my teens that warranted her ending my life, but she stuck through it and made sure we ended up okay. She sacrificed so much without complaint to raise my brother and I, and I can only hope that when I produce some offspring of my own I'm able to handle things with the same kind of grace, dignity,humour, and humility. Yeah, I'm a mama's girl and I ain't shamed, lol!

Hunny and I are going up to NY tonight to see her and surprise her with tickets to see "The Color Purple" and "Radio Golf" (the new August Wilson play) on Broadway. We're coming back down here on Sunday extra-early AM to surprise his mom with the same gifts. We got the tickets so the moms can go to the shows together. Hopefully we can manage to squeeze some sleep in there too, since we're still not quite settled from the move.

I got a mother's day card in the mail yesterday from our puppy and kitten (I guess that was Hunny's doing). They signed with their little paw prints, awww! It's nice to see that he recognizes the not-nearly-as-difficult-as-raising-real-kids work that goes into raising a puppy and kitten, lol.

I hope all of you Mothers and Mr. Moms have a blessed, joyous weekend! Happy Mothers Day!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Birds and Rats
They're everywhere. Trying to make my life miserable. Squawking at every given moment, getting in the way of things. Home, work, I seem to run into them almost anywhere I go. No, I don't mean the winged, feathered kind either. I'm talking about the worst bunch--The Ghetto Birds.

Some of them really aren't that bad--good girls who just haven't been taught any better, so they follow what the other birds tell them to do rather than follow their own minds.

However, I work with a few that are not good girls gone bird. These chicks are on some other mess, and I am really left wondering how they got hired, and what I did to deserve the punishment of working with them. Yeah, they have typical ghetto bird and hood rat tendencies like the extra loud gum popping, unnecessary cussin, busted weave wearing, and having curved nails the length of a yardstick. Not to mention the outfits that all come from the $10 store. (and no, I don't have a problem with the $10 store...goodness knows I've gotten some cute stuff from there too, but when your business casual outfit has "Sexy" or "Diva" silk screened in a visible location, then it's time to upgrade your shopping). I can deal with those habits with no problem, but of course these aren't your average birds.

Every single day that I walk into my project's section of the cubicle farm, the same four chicks welcome me with the up and down stares--you know the one. Bernie Mac said it best...like someone is looking at you like they wanna do something or like you're shorter than them, lol. Anyway, I get that same look every single time I go to my desk. If I bring a friend from another department to my desk to visit, we both get the same looks. This morning, one "rat" actually sucked her teeth and sighed at me and my girl from the other department. Both of us asked what her problem was and she rolled her eyes and said, "Yall." I could have gone somewhere with that, but I'm too old to be getting involved in some petty ish like that.

On Monday, I had to black out on one of the birds though. One thing about me..don't mess with my money, my food, my car, or my man. I'll work with you on just about anything else, but those other things are non-negotiable. I was on my way to lunch, going into the pantry to get my food out of the fridge when I see the fat one with my lunchbag on the counter warming up MY food. It was still in my bowl!! And she was reaching in MY bag to get the grapes I'd put in there for snack. I called her on it, and she had the nerve to catch an attitude with me. She was like, "Heffa, Ohnoyoudidn't. I'mma eat what I want when I want". Bitch, I don't care if you *might* be pregnant and *might* be eating for 2. You don't eff with my food. So of course she went and told my boss that I was harassing her, so we had to have a team meeting in Kumbaya-fashion about being nice to each other. Girl, I know you think what you did was real gangsta, but I know what you drive. I will see your ass in the parking lot. *Yeah, I got a lil hood rat in me too, lol*

This other chick, I don't know what I can do with her. She looked at the picture on my desk of me and Hunny, then looked back at me and popped her teeth (a sound that's kind of like popping gum, but without anything in your mouth) and said, "If you weren't a pretty cool person, I'd steal him away from you." Now that's some stuff you just don't say to another female. I can't say that comes from having ghetto bird tendencies, but that's just plain trifling.

The other girls are an every day assortment of "My side dude got me pregnant and I don't know how to tell my main boo", "My man slangs dope and I'm not about to tell him to stop cuz I like being able to go shopping whenever", "My boo is in jail", and various other baby daddy beat my ass type drama. And the dudes, well...there aren't enough words in the English language for me to narrow them down right now.

There are maybe 3 of us on my particular project that act like we have some sense, but we are placed on opposite sides of the cubicle farm, so we don't get to interact too often. If this foolishness keeps up, I may end up blacking out on someone for real. I hope I can get a transfer to another project or cost center soon. Yes, I love my job...really I do, but the birds are circilng overhead. NO more!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I'm Baaaack
I'm back to regularly scheduled life now. Things with the old lease office are going better than I expected. I'm not going to be sued, just being held responsible for two months rent for breaking the lease, which is good for me. I will be taking them to court though for trying to make me live in those conditions, and I've got my lawyer, doctors notes, copies of documents from the health dept, and LOTS of pictures, so I am prepared if things go way wrong.

Anyhoo, living with Hunny's been good so far. I'm still trying to get my stuff settled in, but we're getting along fine and are planning a "Tasha just moved in" housewarming party, lol. So nothing much went on this weekend, other than moving and sorting.

Work is going alright so far, but I've got the sketchy people list already. I'm watching them like they stole something because their stories just don't add up right. Of course I've got things to say about them, but I'll wait a few more days so I can try to figure them out a little better.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes and advice on my untimely move. I'll be getting back to regular posting tomorrow :-)

Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Life just got extra damn unfabulous. I'm moving in with Hunny at the end of this week, which in itself is great, but SO not on my timeline. This decision was made on Monday, so I have an entire apartment to sort and move in 5 MFin days. See, the ceiling literally caved in over my bed and in my bathroom, so the place is uninhabitable. Ceiling parts fell on me in my MFin sleep!! According to the lease office, this is no big fuggin deal--they say it's still livable in there, and I should give them a few days to fix the problem. And oh, did I mention, when I went to take a shower yesterday morning, there was a MUSHROOM growing out of the fuggin drain?! Moldy shit was spewing the fugg out of the drain like it's normal. I'm hellaciously allergic to mold, so that's completely unacceptable. I'm not Super Mario or Luigi--collecting toadstool mushroom princesses is some shit I should only do on a gotdamned video game!

So I'm doing something I would normally never do, and chunking the deuces to the place I've called home for 16 months with all of 5 days notice. Hell no, I'm not paying May's rent here--they're just going to have to sue my black ass. I'm not giving 30 days notice, hell, I can't. I am mentally prepared for the nasty ass lawsuit that will ensue, and I most certainly have pictures and my allergist's statement about my mold allergy.

I've got my bedroom completely packed, and most of the stuff is at his place already, and I just finished my bathroom and hallway closets. I've got my living room, dining room, and kitchen left to do. Thankfully, my brother has a truck and will be helping me to move my furniture into storage. Poor Hunny wants to help me pack, but he doesn't know what I want to toss or keep, and I can't take a day off to do it since I just started the new job. So I'm stuck this week...my daily routine: shuttling from work to my apartment, packing as much as I can, loading up the cars, sending Hunny to work (he works midnights, and can't take a day off because they have a new class out of the police academy to train), going to his our apartment 15 minutes away, unloading my car, sleeping at his our place, driving an hour and twenty minutes to work, having Hunny call me when he gets off work to let me know that he unloaded his car, Hunny trying to take another load of stuff home before he goes to bed for the day, then driving back to my place after work and doing it all over again. I had to give my kitten to my step sister until I get settled, so my poor lil baby is all confused.

I'm beyond fumin' mad and on some new level of exhausted at this point, but thankfully Hunny's been more than understanding about it all. My apartment complex is run by one of the largest property management companies in the Mid-Atlantic region, so they automatically get the upper hand in court. This is all some bull shit. I don't understand how they couldn't even offer me a temporary place to stay. I don't care about the hit to my credit report if they try to say I skipped rent and pull some crazy ass eviction shit (they can't evict me if I'm not here anyway), I want my day in court and I will fight tooth and nail to get some kind of restitution.

I might be recruiting some of you DC Urrea bloggers to help a sista get this move done in record time cuz my body is straight exhausted and is beginning to fail me. UGGGGGGGHHHHH....Unfab-ness at it's very best!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The Questions...
I'm struggling today yall, not much in this world is making sense. I'm feeling like I am caught in some mind/space/time screw up, and I can't figure up from down. I don't feel like me, and nothing seems right at all. I'm so tempted to just want to sleep it off, but I realize that I've been avoiding my numerous problems that way as of late. I've got questions and stuff and life on my mind...

Why am I so scared of dealing with the decision I had to make? No amount of googling the topic can prepare me. I know it was for the best

I wish I could gather up the strength to return my father's phone call. I never had a problem with it before

I'm feeling so vulnerable lately, and I'm not taking criticism well. My feelings were actually hurt when I heard one of my new co-workers talking shit about me. That's new too

Since I woke up this morning, I've had the urge to cry about eight different times

Why do I feel useless even though I'm capable of contributing so much

Everyone says I seem distant lately, but I've got a LOT of demons I'm trying to deal with

Even though I know it's stupid, I still ask him why he loves me and occasionally that stupid shadow of doubt messes with me

Why are people saying it's no big deal for Rush Limbaugh to sing "Barack the Magic Negro?". Why does he still have a job? And why so soon after the whole Imus bull-ish?

I know I shouldn't, but I feel like I should try harder to fit in with the "popular kids" at work, even though I've heard them talking shit about me

It's funny, once they learned more about me, they stopped talking shit

I'm tired of being tired all the time

I'm afraid of the two surgeries that I have to have in three months--one to fix a screw in my back and one to fix my nose (I have a deviated septum from when I broke my nose that stops me from breathing well, and not being able to breathe well makes me VERY tired and lethargic sometimes)

I wish I'd never broken my back, then I'd still be able to dance pain free

I wish I loved my body more than I do

Why is it so hard for me to not feel guilty for growing up? I feel like I'm leaving my mom behind to fend for herself since I'm the baby. I worry about her too much

Why do I want to just curl up in a ball and get away from the world today??