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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The Questions...
I'm struggling today yall, not much in this world is making sense. I'm feeling like I am caught in some mind/space/time screw up, and I can't figure up from down. I don't feel like me, and nothing seems right at all. I'm so tempted to just want to sleep it off, but I realize that I've been avoiding my numerous problems that way as of late. I've got questions and stuff and life on my mind...

Why am I so scared of dealing with the decision I had to make? No amount of googling the topic can prepare me. I know it was for the best

I wish I could gather up the strength to return my father's phone call. I never had a problem with it before

I'm feeling so vulnerable lately, and I'm not taking criticism well. My feelings were actually hurt when I heard one of my new co-workers talking shit about me. That's new too

Since I woke up this morning, I've had the urge to cry about eight different times

Why do I feel useless even though I'm capable of contributing so much

Everyone says I seem distant lately, but I've got a LOT of demons I'm trying to deal with

Even though I know it's stupid, I still ask him why he loves me and occasionally that stupid shadow of doubt messes with me

Why are people saying it's no big deal for Rush Limbaugh to sing "Barack the Magic Negro?". Why does he still have a job? And why so soon after the whole Imus bull-ish?

I know I shouldn't, but I feel like I should try harder to fit in with the "popular kids" at work, even though I've heard them talking shit about me

It's funny, once they learned more about me, they stopped talking shit

I'm tired of being tired all the time

I'm afraid of the two surgeries that I have to have in three months--one to fix a screw in my back and one to fix my nose (I have a deviated septum from when I broke my nose that stops me from breathing well, and not being able to breathe well makes me VERY tired and lethargic sometimes)

I wish I'd never broken my back, then I'd still be able to dance pain free

I wish I loved my body more than I do

Why is it so hard for me to not feel guilty for growing up? I feel like I'm leaving my mom behind to fend for herself since I'm the baby. I worry about her too much

Why do I want to just curl up in a ball and get away from the world today??

*sigh*


11 Comments:

Anonymous dcsavvystar said...

hey girly, hang in there... if you need me, i'm here :)

Blogger beautyinbaltimore said...

"Why are people saying it's no big deal for Rush Limbaugh to sing "Barack the Magic Negro?". Why does he still have a job? "
It is now in vogue for white folks to talk shit about us. We are going to see a lot more of this in the very future. I think the fact that they are about to be out numbered is really bothering some white folks. Seeing Asians join in on the jokes about black folks makes me even hotter.

Blogger Golden Silence said...

It's okay to have feelings of self-doubt...it just shows that you're human. We all have moments when we try to figure out what's going on with our lives.

Heffahs are already talking smack at your new job? Sad. Just shows they have nothing going on in their lives...while YOU DO!

When you get the chance, take the time to take care of yourself. It's okay to take a break.

Blogger Miz JJ said...

I feel you on this post. Sometimes you just need to be in it for awhile. Good luck.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl....it's the signs that auntie flow is coming....I always get like that too once a month....i become somebody else that's not even me....too mushy....too bitchy....moody...too sensitive...
get urself some chocolate...rent some comedy movies....just stay home...relax urself....

Anonymous Sugar said...

Girl, sometimes you just have one of those days! Just roll with it and hey, it's already tomorrow! I hope you feel better today.

Blogger Honey-Libra said...

As well know tears cleanse the soul..take time out to do that if that's what you feel you need at the moment..but do that and press on...you can only do what you can do...we all want to be super heros but we cant :)

I feel ya on the shadow of doubt creeping in but as you told me...you deserve to be happy, dance in it pain in all..wallow in it...good stuff like this doesn't come around too often girl!!

Keeping you in my prayers

Blogger TDJ said...

Ahh Tasha. Sorry that your feeling outside of yourself lady. I hope that you find the clarity that you are looking for. Peace and blessings to you.

Blogger jameil1922 said...

quarterlife crisis. that's what i'm blaming my most recent funk on. you BROKE your BACK?? wow. evil coworkers are no fun.

Blogger Bklyn Diva said...

well I can tell you are feeling yourself again.. but whenever you feel like this just take a deep breath and maintain.. its hard and a lot easier said than done but its ok to cry.. it helps

remember
you are not going to be at this job forever

be polite, professional and smart at work and with the popular kids
while revamping your resume and keeping your eyes open to the next opportunity.

it's okay to not be liked by everyone but you do need to like yourself.

and if you need a good cry, take it.
but remember to get up from that cry.

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