Friday Flashback

Happy Friday (and payday for some people)! This week the flashback is En Vogue "Free Your Mind".



This weekend I'll be wedding dress shopping yet again and we'll be going to visit a few places to check out their reception facilities. We also have a meeting with the new home builder to see about their townhouse plans. If we like what we see and if the model looks good, we might consider building with them since they're offering a discount for police, veterans, and healthcare employees--that means triple discount for us! I'll also be meeting with a teacher sista-sociate of mine to discuss the possibility of us joining forces to start a tutoring/mentoring operation for middle and highschool students with a financial education component for students and their parents. Then hopefully D and I will get to catch a movie. Busy weekend, but I'm glad to not be going to work, lol. Anyway, what are you all getting into this weekend? Whatever you do, be safe and have fun.

I Miss You...

Today would be my grandmother's 86th birthday. Nearly four years after her death I still miss her as much as I did the day I had to say goodbye for the last time. She passed away 3 years and 11 months to the day after my grandfather passed on; she just couldn't face another day without him. 53 years of marriage will make you like that.

My mother's mom, she's responsible in large part for shaping me into the person that I am. She never held her tongue, she always let you know how she felt about you and you couldn't fault her for that. Her humor could make you laugh till you cry, but she knew when and how to switch it up and carry herself flawlessly. She wasn't rich, but had more class than most millionaires. The grace of a ballerina, the tough hide of an elephant. She lived in the hood, but could make the country club home just as easily.

When my innocent little girl world got raped by the malfeasance and malintent of some grown people and became too much for me to handle, she let me take refuge in her home. Surrounded by grandma smells and sights, grandma cooking and hugs I was always okay. She held it down when my mom thought her world was going to blow up. Through divorce court, family court, everything in between she was there with a smile and some tough love if you needed it.

Alzheimer's got the best of her, and I was lucky to see her a week before she died. She recognized no one around her except for my mother and I. I thought she'd make it, even though she looked like a shell of herself I figured she was invincible because she was my grandma. Yeah, at 20 years old, I still thought she was invincible. A week later it was over, and we buried her at Calverton National Cemetery right next to grandpa and it was all okay. Our hearts hurt but it was okay.

At her interment, there was a huge caterpillar near her casket. She had a love/hate relationship with them. We took it as her way of telling us that she was at peace and that she was ok.

Many days have gone by where I just wanted to talk to her and hear her voice again. I've actually picked up the phone and dialed the number only to hear that the number has been disconnected. As much as I want to say that it isn't fair that I can't talk to her anymore, I know that it really is fair. I get to talk to her with my heart and my prayers rather than with my mouth. And I know that she's taught me over the years to find the same kind of refuge that I found with her within myself. She's only gone in body.

*sigh* I didn't think that I'd still be feeling like this so many years later. But damn I miss her...

Can I take your order?

Quick Rant:

I need to take a minute and check my passport just to make sure that I'm an American in America. The United States of America that is. I just came back from McDonald's up the street from work to get a fruit/yogurt parfait and and orange juice, and I'm really kind of salty that I had to place my entire order in spanish. I knew things weren't going to be right when I pulled up to the drive-thru speakerbox to order and I heard, "Bienvenido a McDonald's". When I asked if she spoke english, she said, "No señora". Great. I didn't feel like going inside to order, and I didn't want to ask for a manager to ream them out for not having an english speaking person at the drive-thru. Not today, no time for that. So I ordered in spanish, with my Spanish III skills, and drove up. I got my food and managed to find out that the girl who took my order was just filling in for another girl while she was in the restroom, so it wasn't an issue.

I'm not even about to go on the tirade about immigration, partially because I'm the daughter of an immigrant and partially because I'm not about to touch that arguement with a ten-foot pole. I'll leave that to the political talking heads or for a day that's not today. I just want to know when it became okay for me to have to order my food in a language that's not english when I'm in the USA. It could have been french, russian, or whatever and I'd still be having the same concerns. Seriously. I don't mind going in certain neighborhoods and seeing billboards in 2 languages (where I'm from, you'll see billboards in French since we're pretty close to the border with Quebec--so it's not just a spanish/english thing). I don't give a damn if people speak whatever language with their friends and family. But I do have a problem going into a business like McD's and having to scrounge up my language skills to get some breakfast. If it were a small, perhaps family-owned establishment, I probably wouldn't care so much. But McD's in the DC Metro? Yeah I care. And I'm salty cuz it's not the first time. I've had it happen at Subway, the Car Wash, a taxicab, and now here.

Sigh, I think I'm just grouchy this morning.

Ok, rant done. Have a good day yall. Hit me up in the comment box. Have yall had the same types of experiences?

If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question

I'm all about helping a sista out when she's down. I don't mind giving advice when I'm asked for it. What I don't like, however, when a person voluntarily puts themselves in a hurtful situation then asks for advice but won't take it, yet wants to pity party. Lemme explain...

A co-worker of mine, who I've taken on as a "sista-sociate" has frustrated me to no end and at the same time has me feeling sorry for her and other women and girls who have this type of mindset. Backstory: she's older than me by about 5-6 years, and has this unending man problem. She has a problem with being alone, so she accepts whatever a man gives to her for the sake of having "someone". This man is significantly older than her with no kids. He lost his job as a corrections officer, which means he couldn't pay his rent, so this girl let him move in to her one bedroom apartment--mind you, they are not together. He got a piece of job working 3 days a week at night as a security guard--he rarely shows up to that job, but manages to still get paid because he lies to his bosses that he was there. So he comes in, eats up her food, uses her utilities, plays videogames ALL day, and pays NOTHING to her. She cooks for him, etc. But he continues to say he's not ready for a relationship. He maintains close close close contact with his ex girlfriend (like he still visits her in NYC and still has sex with her although she supposedly has a man), he meets women off the internet and has his way with them then lets them go (he brings them in sista-girl's apartment during the day while we're at work I believe). Just a mess, but she keeps him around because of the dick. He treats her like shit but gets mad when she mentions going out with another dude. She wants to get married or something, but she's so caught up in this dude and not wanting to be alone that she subjects herself to this. His half hearted efforts to get a job are ridiculous, he didn't take a full time job because the pay was a few dollars lower than what he wanted. So he continues to be a lump at her expense, living in her place. He wants to control her, yet do his own thing, and refuses to claim her as his girlfriend.

There's more, but I'm tired of the story, since I hear it every day. EVERY day, she gives me the song and dance about how she's tired of how he treats her, and that he can't make up his mind, blah blah blah. She's asked me and a few other girls at work about how to make him want her. We all told her that if you have to beg a man to be with you, he doesn't want you and he's not worth her time. And if he does agree to be your man, he's not just your man. He's got side pieces. But according to her, we're hating on her and not wanting her to be happy because we're all either married or attached. But she asked the unattached ladies and got the same answer. Go friggin figure. Anyway, she'll tell us that he said "I love you" and that he calls her all the time and that he gets jealous that she might be f**king someone else in an attempt to justify her relationship. Puke. Vomit. All that.

Myself and my other co-workers who are close to this girl see how beat up her self-esteem is. We recognize that, so we try to handle her with kid gloves, but we also want her to see how she's putting herself in the situation. We tell her that she's essentially telling him that it's okay for him to use her for easy puzzi and free living space because she won't put any demands on him. She doesn't demand respect, so she gets fucked around on. She doesn't demand that he stop f**king ex-girl as a stipulation of him sharing her aparment, so he keeps on doing his thang. She doesn't demand a relationship, so he keeps floundering on the topic and avoids it like the plague. But because she's so addicted to having someone, anyone, she doesn't see what we see. She just wants a warm body whether its a relationship or not, but hates the fact that it hurts her so much when men see her as a dick receptacle and not as a girlfriend or potential wife. She doesn't realize how she's cheapened herself--every man she meets is a potential husband, but more than likely a source of dikk for when the man she lives with isn't home. She HATES spending a night alone, so when ol' dude is off with his ex-girlfriend, she'll shack up with someone--friend, frociate, dick supplier, really whoever for the night. Getting that dick so she doesn't feel alone.

I've done what I can with her, and now her voice sounds like the "Peanuts" parents, "waaaah waaaah waaaaaaaaaah", so I basically ignore her and I've stopped giving the real strong advice. I've spent a lot of my time trying to help her--I guess I have a soft spot in my heart for people that are down. Big heart I guess, lol. She already knows the answers to her questions and the advice we'll give, but she doesn't want that and isn't strong enough to face what she needs to do to make herself look respectable for lack of a better word.

I know I'm probably rambling, so sorry if this sounds like an attack on this poor chick or if it makes no sense at all. But I'm rambling because I'm not just frustrated for this girl, I'm frustrated for all the women I see doing the same things to themselves, and destroying their self-esteem and self-worth in the process. I'm not sure why some women would rather be in a shit-tastic, drama filled situation rather than be single and dating having fun. When you deal with some bullshit just to say you have someone, what do you get out of that? Ok, so you say you have someone, but does that same someone claim you as theirs also? If not, why are you bothering. No man (or woman), I don't give a damn who they are is worth compromising yourself, your self-love, your self-esteem, or your self-worth for. If you're being degraded or being treated like a disposable accessory, that's not a relationship. That's an invitation for him (or her) to leave. A relationship should make you cry because you're happy, not because you're waiting for him to come home from fucking the jump off.

Ok, I'm done rambling, I could go on and make a nice conclusion, but you know what I'm getting at. Hit me up in the comment box.

Back in business

*waving* Hey yall!! Long time no write, but I figured I'd bring my rusty azz back to blogger cuz frankly, I missed it more than I thought.

Anyway, sentiment aside, I've been going through some stuff these last few weeks. I stepped away from the blogging after some comments and emails that I got that basically amounted to little more than hatin', but frustrated me nonehtheless. I enjoy writing about my life, but it's amazing how concerned and involved people will try to make themselves even when they don't have any invitation to do so. Asking when my wedding is--fine. Asking how big my dude's dick is--not fine. Telling me that you want to make sure that I'm being treated well before making such a huge decision to be married--fine. Telling me that I'm going to hell because I'm sexually active *monogamously*--not fine. See what I'm getting at?

And then outside of the stupid comments, because stuff like that won't keep me from writing, I'm going through it it other ways also. I had an abnormal pap smear a few weeks ago, and found out that I have some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Been through the first biopsy, and it looks like HSIL (high-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion) which isn't a good thing. So I'll be having another colposcopy and a more in-depth cone biopsy in two weeks. I've been going back and forth between completely freaked out and abormally calm. D has been super supportive, coming with me to every appointment and he said he'll be there for all the rest no matter what. He's maintained a sense of humor about it all, and said that if it is cancer and I end up losing my hair during chemo, he'll rub my bald head every day for good luck before he goes to work and before he goes bowling. Both of our families have been extra supportive also. It feels good to know that I have that kind of safety net so to speak.

Anyway, this weekend was fun...BBQ with D's work squad--police people are crazy lemmetellya. Fun times. And last night was football all night. His Redsk.ins against my Gia.nts meant there was a lot of "booo, your team sucks" from opposite sides of the living room. But my team won, so I got dinner made and brought to me. Yeah, that's how it should be anyway, LOL.

Hope yall had a great weekend, and it's nice to be back :-)

Blah Blah Blogger

I just don't have it in me to blog right now.I don't know if it's permanent or just a few days. But I'm on hiatus for the moment. More than likely it's a temporary thing...just a few days, but we'll see. I'll be around reading your stuff...keep me entertained :-)

Stay blessed!

Tuesday's Monday

Hope everyone had a good Labor Day off. I didn't do much over the weekend, just chilled in, hung out with the girls on Sunday evening. On Sunday night, I rode along with D during his overnight shift, so I got to be an honorary officer for the night, lol. It was a pretty slow night, but he did have to respond to a sexual assault case which was soooo sad. I won't get into it just out of respect for the girl's privacy, but it was heart wrenching. It was fun to see police work up close and personal so to speak. It did remind me of how much I wanted to be a paramedic growing up, so today I'll be filling out the paper work to finish my EMT certification (started but never finished back in NY) and hopefully apply for a position with the county fire and rescue. That's one of those life dreams from so long ago that I was too scared to attempt. My mom always encouraged me, but I found so many excuses--all because I was scared that I may actually succeed and be good at it. Now's my chance to prove myself right.

Anyway, I'm back to work today in some kind of mood. Not bad, not good. Just reflective I suppose. I know this isn't for me. This place. But I'm making the best of it, and counting my blessings that I have the skills to be able to go in whatever direction I choose. And hopefully, I'll be in the back of an ambulance soon. From the first time D heard about my paramedic dreams he thought I was crazy for not going for it...and he's right. The longer I sit behind a desk, the more I realize that I hate it and everything it represents to me. I don't want to go through my life knowing that I could have done what I wanted to do, but didn't because I was scared of my own damn self. I can't bear the thought of having kids and explaining to them why mommy hates her job. So we'll see what happens. If I don't make it, at least I can say I did my best to make it happen.

But anyway, I'm just rambling. We didn't do anything yesterday except enjoy each other's company and chill outside with some grub. Just us, and I couldn't have asked for better. What did you all get into this holiday weekend? Any BBQ's, movies??