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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question
I'm all about helping a sista out when she's down. I don't mind giving advice when I'm asked for it. What I don't like, however, when a person voluntarily puts themselves in a hurtful situation then asks for advice but won't take it, yet wants to pity party. Lemme explain...

A co-worker of mine, who I've taken on as a "sista-sociate" has frustrated me to no end and at the same time has me feeling sorry for her and other women and girls who have this type of mindset. Backstory: she's older than me by about 5-6 years, and has this unending man problem. She has a problem with being alone, so she accepts whatever a man gives to her for the sake of having "someone". This man is significantly older than her with no kids. He lost his job as a corrections officer, which means he couldn't pay his rent, so this girl let him move in to her one bedroom apartment--mind you, they are not together. He got a piece of job working 3 days a week at night as a security guard--he rarely shows up to that job, but manages to still get paid because he lies to his bosses that he was there. So he comes in, eats up her food, uses her utilities, plays videogames ALL day, and pays NOTHING to her. She cooks for him, etc. But he continues to say he's not ready for a relationship. He maintains close close close contact with his ex girlfriend (like he still visits her in NYC and still has sex with her although she supposedly has a man), he meets women off the internet and has his way with them then lets them go (he brings them in sista-girl's apartment during the day while we're at work I believe). Just a mess, but she keeps him around because of the dick. He treats her like shit but gets mad when she mentions going out with another dude. She wants to get married or something, but she's so caught up in this dude and not wanting to be alone that she subjects herself to this. His half hearted efforts to get a job are ridiculous, he didn't take a full time job because the pay was a few dollars lower than what he wanted. So he continues to be a lump at her expense, living in her place. He wants to control her, yet do his own thing, and refuses to claim her as his girlfriend.

There's more, but I'm tired of the story, since I hear it every day. EVERY day, she gives me the song and dance about how she's tired of how he treats her, and that he can't make up his mind, blah blah blah. She's asked me and a few other girls at work about how to make him want her. We all told her that if you have to beg a man to be with you, he doesn't want you and he's not worth her time. And if he does agree to be your man, he's not just your man. He's got side pieces. But according to her, we're hating on her and not wanting her to be happy because we're all either married or attached. But she asked the unattached ladies and got the same answer. Go friggin figure. Anyway, she'll tell us that he said "I love you" and that he calls her all the time and that he gets jealous that she might be f**king someone else in an attempt to justify her relationship. Puke. Vomit. All that.

Myself and my other co-workers who are close to this girl see how beat up her self-esteem is. We recognize that, so we try to handle her with kid gloves, but we also want her to see how she's putting herself in the situation. We tell her that she's essentially telling him that it's okay for him to use her for easy puzzi and free living space because she won't put any demands on him. She doesn't demand respect, so she gets fucked around on. She doesn't demand that he stop f**king ex-girl as a stipulation of him sharing her aparment, so he keeps on doing his thang. She doesn't demand a relationship, so he keeps floundering on the topic and avoids it like the plague. But because she's so addicted to having someone, anyone, she doesn't see what we see. She just wants a warm body whether its a relationship or not, but hates the fact that it hurts her so much when men see her as a dick receptacle and not as a girlfriend or potential wife. She doesn't realize how she's cheapened herself--every man she meets is a potential husband, but more than likely a source of dikk for when the man she lives with isn't home. She HATES spending a night alone, so when ol' dude is off with his ex-girlfriend, she'll shack up with someone--friend, frociate, dick supplier, really whoever for the night. Getting that dick so she doesn't feel alone.

I've done what I can with her, and now her voice sounds like the "Peanuts" parents, "waaaah waaaah waaaaaaaaaah", so I basically ignore her and I've stopped giving the real strong advice. I've spent a lot of my time trying to help her--I guess I have a soft spot in my heart for people that are down. Big heart I guess, lol. She already knows the answers to her questions and the advice we'll give, but she doesn't want that and isn't strong enough to face what she needs to do to make herself look respectable for lack of a better word.

I know I'm probably rambling, so sorry if this sounds like an attack on this poor chick or if it makes no sense at all. But I'm rambling because I'm not just frustrated for this girl, I'm frustrated for all the women I see doing the same things to themselves, and destroying their self-esteem and self-worth in the process. I'm not sure why some women would rather be in a shit-tastic, drama filled situation rather than be single and dating having fun. When you deal with some bullshit just to say you have someone, what do you get out of that? Ok, so you say you have someone, but does that same someone claim you as theirs also? If not, why are you bothering. No man (or woman), I don't give a damn who they are is worth compromising yourself, your self-love, your self-esteem, or your self-worth for. If you're being degraded or being treated like a disposable accessory, that's not a relationship. That's an invitation for him (or her) to leave. A relationship should make you cry because you're happy, not because you're waiting for him to come home from fucking the jump off.

Ok, I'm done rambling, I could go on and make a nice conclusion, but you know what I'm getting at. Hit me up in the comment box.


Blogger dc_speaks said...


i guess people all over this world want us to say what they want to hear. all we can do is try to be as honest as possible, perhaps as gently as we can and keep it moving.

people move in their own time.

to be a co worker, you surely took alot of time and energy to help a sistah out.

kudos to you!!

Blogger Minerva Exertion said...

Check out my last Middle Finger to You post (24 August). I dealt with the same topic. The only exception is that my friend stopped talking to me altogether over this sorry ass dude. I haven't talked to her since the end of July ( fuggin 25 year friendship down the drain). I've tried the nice approach. I've tried the straight in-your-face approach. It was like beating a dead horse.

I commend you for trying to help a sista out. That's too much energy being wasted on some one who chooses to be a FOOL. Even with low self-esteem, she should be exhausted and broke by now and tired of foolishness.

I agree with DC. People move on their own time, but do other people have time to continually listen to that bullshuckey.

Blogger Opinionated Diva said...

OMG that was just excruciating...and I'm sure there's more that you probably left out.

Your co-workers is really sad. I think we all know what she should do (give dude the boot and work on HERSELF), but until she comes to the realization that she deserves better, there is NOTHING anyone can tell her. NOTHING!

Women like her enable men like him to continue being dee oh gees!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm in a relationship now but when I was single I was happy. I hear women all the time now talking about how the hate the single life. Society has made it seem it's an illness being single.

Your coworker sounds like a lost case. Her self-esteem is so low. Sounds like she needs to see a counselor because something more is going on. She jumps from one man's bed to the next b/c she doesn't want to be alone.

As for the sorry azz mofo, he's a punk. Men like him cling on to women like her that have low self-esteem. He's going to continue treating her like that until she gets enough courage to kick him out.

Blogger magnoliapeach said...

I had a "friend" just like this. She always used to cry over this dude b/c he wasn't treating her right, while getting her freak on with almost any man that said hello. Anyway dude wouldn't show up when he was supposed to, so we tried to counsel her, but I knew it wasn't working when she started diagnosing him.
Example: Valentines day, he is a no-show, turns out he is in Biloxi gambling. Her excuse for him: He now has a gambling problem.
No, he just doesn't want to be with you!!!
But, I guess they are tied together forever, b/c she had his baby last year, I bet that's not keeping him at home either.

Blogger Ms. Behaving said...

I could go ON AND ON about what I think she should do BUT...like you already said, you and other co-workers have already been there...done that so there's really no use.

Truth is she made that bed and now, it's up to her to lie in it!! The least her silly @ss could do is change the damn sheets...

Blogger Miz JJ said...

You can lead a horse to water.... I can imagine how frustrating it is to hear her woe is me tales, but just listen. Then walk away and be thankful you are not as stupid as her.

Blogger AR Gal said...

I so want to be sympathetic for your co-worker but damn he's bring other chicks in her crib while she's out trying to make a living. If nothing else pissed me off, that surely would. It's time for her to stop whining and get crunk on that ass and throw him the hell out already. Low self-esteem or not, some ish just shouldn't be tolerated.

Anonymous Erica C. said...

You can only do so much! You've given advice and was there when she needed someone to talk to. You have to step back and let her do what she has to do.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

You're a good person!

Blogger Sha Boogie said...

And I thought my life was a fairytale *sigh*..lol That is a hot dog mess! I mean, I can't say much because I dont love them hoes, but still! haha..

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