Hope everyone had a great weekend. I was still dealing with a migraine, so Hunny and I stayed in all weekend and caught up on some movie watching (well he did, I was under the covers hiding from the light and trying to catch a few ZZZ's).
Anyhoo...
In my everyday life, I run across all kinds of BS from people, but some people are on some other stuff and I worry about their well being. There are some people I see on the almost everyday that don't seem to have a clue about how jacked up their lives really are and I'm really about to break out my psychiatrist couch, sit them down, and stage an intervention.
Some people might say that I worry too much about other people, but I really don't give a damn. I'm one of those people who wants to see everyone living their very best life in the best way. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not about to be knocking at your door every Saturday morning with the Bible pushers and preaching about how you need to change your ways, cuz #1-I'm still asleep at that time and #2-I know I've got some work to do on myself as well.
My childhood friend is in desperate need of some help in her life. She's a beautiful, talented young woman with a quick wit and charisma to boot. Her career is going great, is a brand new homeowner, and is not lacking for events to fill her social calendar. She's way ahead of a lot of sistas twice her age. It seems like she's got everything in the world going for her, but the puzzle pieces are just not fitting together.
"Maybe if I get a chin lift and butt implants I'll look better and someone will want me. Then I'll be able to get married"
I've heard this refrain more times than I can count, and each time it sounds more and more desperate. This poor girl has seen more knives than Ginsu--a tummy tuck, two rounds of liposuction, lip implants, breast augmentation, and now she's preparing for a chin lift to get rid of the non-existent double chin that she has.
I understand perfectionism can go to far, and I also understand body dysmorphic disorder. This girl is also aware of these things, and from what I can tell she's not suffering from either issue. Part of me is disgusted with her because she's already got the looks and body that many women would sell their soul to have.
Her parents have put a lot of pressure on her to be married and have at least one baby by the time she's 30, and she doesn't know how to handle it. I'm dumbfounded that they aren't more proud of the fact that she's done so much by her mid-twenties. She feels the need to compete with all the girls out there, and she takes attention from wherever she can get it. She will date just about anything that gives her the time of day because she knows her parents will basically disown her if she doesn't live up to their expectations. She wants a good man, but feels that the only way to get him is to alter her exterior to match what the other women in the game are doing.
Every time I hear her mention plastic surgery, I just want to scoop her up, hug her, and tell her how naturally beautiful she is. My brothers tried to tell her that all the surgery is scaring people, and she's scaring good men away when she mentions that she has to be married by 30 during the first date. She's gotten pregnant by two different guys (no she doesn't have kids, assume what you want) to try and keep them around, all in an effort to get that ever-elusive ring. She's let herself be essentially gang-raped, had trains run on her...because "they like me, they just show it in a different way than most". I know she's not ignorant, and I know she hates what she's doing to herself.
I so badly want to pull her aside and tell her that her worth doesn't lie in being married by 30, nor does she have anything to prove to anyone and she most certainly doesnt have to adhere to her parents wishes for her love life. I need her to know just how special she is to me, the rest of our friends, her family, and everyone in between. I want to intervene in her life before she ends up in a situation she can't get out of, but I just don't know how.
Get at me in the comments.
Anyhoo...
In my everyday life, I run across all kinds of BS from people, but some people are on some other stuff and I worry about their well being. There are some people I see on the almost everyday that don't seem to have a clue about how jacked up their lives really are and I'm really about to break out my psychiatrist couch, sit them down, and stage an intervention.
Some people might say that I worry too much about other people, but I really don't give a damn. I'm one of those people who wants to see everyone living their very best life in the best way. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not about to be knocking at your door every Saturday morning with the Bible pushers and preaching about how you need to change your ways, cuz #1-I'm still asleep at that time and #2-I know I've got some work to do on myself as well.
My childhood friend is in desperate need of some help in her life. She's a beautiful, talented young woman with a quick wit and charisma to boot. Her career is going great, is a brand new homeowner, and is not lacking for events to fill her social calendar. She's way ahead of a lot of sistas twice her age. It seems like she's got everything in the world going for her, but the puzzle pieces are just not fitting together.
"Maybe if I get a chin lift and butt implants I'll look better and someone will want me. Then I'll be able to get married"
I've heard this refrain more times than I can count, and each time it sounds more and more desperate. This poor girl has seen more knives than Ginsu--a tummy tuck, two rounds of liposuction, lip implants, breast augmentation, and now she's preparing for a chin lift to get rid of the non-existent double chin that she has.
I understand perfectionism can go to far, and I also understand body dysmorphic disorder. This girl is also aware of these things, and from what I can tell she's not suffering from either issue. Part of me is disgusted with her because she's already got the looks and body that many women would sell their soul to have.
Her parents have put a lot of pressure on her to be married and have at least one baby by the time she's 30, and she doesn't know how to handle it. I'm dumbfounded that they aren't more proud of the fact that she's done so much by her mid-twenties. She feels the need to compete with all the girls out there, and she takes attention from wherever she can get it. She will date just about anything that gives her the time of day because she knows her parents will basically disown her if she doesn't live up to their expectations. She wants a good man, but feels that the only way to get him is to alter her exterior to match what the other women in the game are doing.
Every time I hear her mention plastic surgery, I just want to scoop her up, hug her, and tell her how naturally beautiful she is. My brothers tried to tell her that all the surgery is scaring people, and she's scaring good men away when she mentions that she has to be married by 30 during the first date. She's gotten pregnant by two different guys (no she doesn't have kids, assume what you want) to try and keep them around, all in an effort to get that ever-elusive ring. She's let herself be essentially gang-raped, had trains run on her...because "they like me, they just show it in a different way than most". I know she's not ignorant, and I know she hates what she's doing to herself.
I so badly want to pull her aside and tell her that her worth doesn't lie in being married by 30, nor does she have anything to prove to anyone and she most certainly doesnt have to adhere to her parents wishes for her love life. I need her to know just how special she is to me, the rest of our friends, her family, and everyone in between. I want to intervene in her life before she ends up in a situation she can't get out of, but I just don't know how.
Get at me in the comments.
12 Comments:
Wow. This is really sad. I don't think there is anything you can tell her that is gonna fix this. What you may be able to do is reach out to her parents and help them to see that their constant pressure for her to find a man is having a very negative effect on her. And you also need to try to convence her to getting some therapy. She really needs professional help. Trains? My God! SMH.
I think you're doing the right thing by being supportive of her.
Doesn't Police Boy have a brother he can hook her up with?
I also am speechless. I wish I knew what to say to a sister in such a situation. All I know is you being right there for her SHOWING her love is doing something. She just needs more of that.
Girl, don't touch that "reaching out to her family thing". If there's one thing you need to always remember, it's that no matter how close you guys get, you will never have her blood running through your veins. They do, and that could backfire something horrible on you.
We've all had at least one friend who is the "troubled" one in the bunch. If you can't think of one, you are that person (lol). The only thing you can truly do, if you've already expressed your concerns to her in a sisterly manner, is be there for her through the storms, because you can't make a grown person do a damn thing, and if her family doesn't know any better........there isn't much of a difference you are going to be able to make as her really good friend.
ok I'm really disturbed and I will pray ya friend finds PEACE within herself.. sounds like she needs to stand up to her parents and let them know that this is HER LIFE not theirs and what was so great about being married with a child by 30 is no longer the NORM..
but her destructive behavior to her body, trains, gang raped, etc.. will be more harm to her body than anything else and I see you said she was pg by 2 dudes but doesn't have any children so who knows what happened, whether miscarriage or abortion.. HER BODY IS HER TEMPLE AND NOT TAKING CARE OF IT SHE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BEAR THOSE CHILDREN HER PARENTS WANTS SO BADLY...
*problem there.. her PARENTS not her want the children*.. she needs a soul searching self check.. but you can only help those that want help..
Now the whole plastic surgery thing.. no comment!
This is extremely deep and serious...yes she needs some help, and most importantly she needs counseling...serious, professional, conseling, because guess what when she gets married and has a baby by 30, there will be something ELSE that her parents will WANT her to do...or another expectation that they want her to fulfill...the issue here is her self-worth, she has none...and something happened to her to make her look for others to validate her...it maybe something extremely deep such as mental or physical abuse that's why I truly and seriously want you to encourage her to speak to a professional, because she can cut and tuck all day long and guess what...if she doesn't fill that void, if she can't get HER mind right about HER...there won't be anything that can fix that...but HER...man this is deep...but its the reality for many a sistah...its a blessing that she has someone like you in her life...so just really encourage to get help...
She hates herself. Don't we know that? Sounds like her self-hating parents are keeping the faith alive in her.
Is it just you who knows she has a problem? First, she has to know. Second, cognitive therapy.
Yeah, she needs professional counseling. TC pointed out her self-worth issues and I am complete agreement. It's such a shame cuz she's accomplished all these other things but doesn't recognize her own achievements. I don't know about anybody else but goin under the knife would only be done under life saving circumstances. I just don't understand the people that have multiple operations only to continue to have more.
I co-sign with t.c. All the things she is doing are really destructive. She really does not love herself. It is sad that she can not see how good she is on her own.
blunt truth! yes it's harsh. yes there will be tears. but when you have someone in deep trouble such as this sistah is - YOU HAVE GOT TO PULL OUT THE HEAVY HITTING!! say a prayer and go with the straight talk.
Show her love and encourage professional therapy...
I agree with everyone else...being that she's your best friend and she knows how you feel what more can you do but just be there for her when it all "falls down". Cause it will. She's gonna hit bottom and it might be too hard for her to deal with alone..
I'll keep her in my prayers
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