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Monday, April 02, 2007
Monday Mash Up
Today was the first work day that I spent as a "lady of leisure" as Bella Mama calls it. I'm taking a week off before I start the new job, and I really can't be happier about it. Hunny and I spent basically the whole weekend bunned up, and it was nice of course, but I saw some of his crazy arse man-habits, and I had to pull a Beyonce and Upgrade his ass.

He's got three sisters and no brothers, so you'd think that he would have paid attention to at least some of their upkeep habits. I mean, he was no stranger to the nail shop when I brought him there when I got my eyebrows waxed, and he's a good shopping partner--he can tell me what looks good on me, and he actually has great judgement. So imagine my utter shock and dismay when he took off his socks today and all I see were alligators arguing over a bag of flour. Dammit boo, how you gon' be so damn sessy and your feet look like what the hell? This required an immediate emergency trip to the nail place for pedicures. I really didn't need one, but I got one anyway so he wouldn't get all suspect and think I was trying to tell him his feet looked like he left them in Afghanistan after his tour.

Lemme tell you, Mai Ling and Kim Sue were looking at me like "Damn girl, how did you not get sliced the hell up by his toenails in bed" and looking at his feet and speaking whatever language they do and half laughing half sighing in pity. It took a good 45 minutes for them to return his feet to human status after letting them soak for a good hot minute. Poor Hunny fell asleep in the chair, and I'm happy cuz if he'd seen the looks they were giving his feet he would have tried to pull out his gun and arrest them for public diplays of confusion. But he got a man-manicure after that and he said he hasn't felt that kind of good in forever, so I think we might just make this a monthly thing. I don't know how I overlooked his feet after all this time. Just a damn shame.

Baby, why are you loading the dishwasher like that? Let me help you and show you the way to salvation. Sweetie pie, ummm...your socks, well umm...lets take a trip to Targ├ęt and get you some new ones cuz yeah, socks come in grey, but they shouldn't fade from white to that color. I love you, but that G-Unit shirt has got to go. I know it's comfy, but no 50 cent-wear is allowed in our domicile (yeah, we share a home now...not officially, but you get the idea). Off to Macy's for some new shirts. That watch? About that...Sunshine, I know you got it when you graduated from the police academy, but it's time to give it a proper burial. You like that watch in the case? Please, by all means get it, after all, it is your money. Aww, thanks for letting me lose my mind in Victoria's Secret on your dime, but you could use some new draws too. Oh, now you think you're a damn Calvin Klein underwear model? Get out of my face and just buy the damn boxers ok?

After all of that, upgrade complete. Ahh, now doesn't that feel better? I thought so.

I'm glad to finally be free from the old plantation. Massa tried to lose his mind and give me a mountain of work before I left. "Uhh, you want ME to do all this right 'chea? Naw sir, I ain't no fool. You betta pass that on to someone else". The politics and bad business apparently is too much for the field slaves that remain there, cuz I got a call from 3 former co-workers asking if I could give them the hook up at the new place. Can I start first? Can I please get through orientation??

What is up with the fattitude in the Urrea?? Now, I'm a thick broad and I haven't seen a zero since I was a fetus, but what in the name of Purple Rain!? Why were we in the Silver Diner getting our breakfast on and I thought a solar eclipse was occurring when this HUGE chick walked by? And why was she wearing Pepto Bismol pink? I saw her and looked at Hunny and whispered "Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea". Someone reserve a spot in hell for me, cuz I know I'm going after making that statement. But seriously, crunchy black and two tons of big shouldn't be wearing skin-tight bismuth pink. And when she didn't think I was looking, she licked her lips at Hunny like a rabid animal. He instantaneously lost his appetite and pushed his plate away, ran to the bathroom, and didn't come back for like 10 minutes. Poor baby! While we were on the Metro to the Cherry Blossom Festival, there was this crowd of ginormous heffas standing in the middle of the train talkin about, "Girl, I coulda got this 2 sizes smaller" and "Don't hate me gurrrrl, congratulate me cuz this skirt looks TOO GOOD". Lady, if you got that shirt any smaller, the Pillsbury Doughboy would appear and cuss you out for smashing his rolls all up. And other lady, about that skirt...I didnt know cottage cheese came in chocolate. Don't get me wrong, big girls are beautiful too and deserve to be self-confident, but we look better when our clothes fit properly. Otherwise, you look like a two bit whore who sells her soul for the almighty Twinkie.

I went to the gym this morning, and I wanted to throw a dumbell at this chick. You are a size negative three, you are NOT fat. For the love of Pete, do me a favor and eat a plate of chili cheese fries when you leave here. Your man is complaining about you being too skinny cuz you are. He doesn't like fucking a shadow. (Sorry for that crude comment, but I had to say it)

This dude needs to back up off me. Bruh, I didn't want you then and I sho nuff don't want you now. I'm not impressed by your half million dollar house or your car or your high paying gov't IT job. I don't care that you're a music producer and have a studio in your house. Yeah, you're cute in the face. Yeah you're nice, but you have strange ways. Why did you pay your direct TV bill on three way with me? Why did you show me your passport and birth certificate? You're a nucking fut. Ain't no confused feelings on my part. Go somewhere and look pretty for me, mmmk?

I really enjoy Spanish telenovellas. I understand most of what's going on, but they mesmorize me. It's almost like getting sucked into a bad Lifetime Movie. And the gameshows on Telemundo and Univision make me happy just because they can be so craptastic. Not all of them, mind you, but the cheese factor on a lot of them just add sunshine to my life.

Ok, so I watched the "I Love New York" season finale. Why is this broad still on TV and why does anyone care? I just love how she says she moved these dudes into her house, when really she probably lives in the projects and she claims the roaches as her dependents to get the tax credit. You know V.H1 provided her with that house and those fake eyelashes. That chick really does look like Janice from the Muppet Show. BOOOOOOOOOOO. Thumbs and big toes down!

My upstairs neigbors need some home training badly. They are up there salsa dancing or something, all I hear is these rapid heavy footsteps in some kind of beat. They're up all damn night long and they decided to vacuum at 3AM this morning. I went up there, knocked on the door looking my hood rat best, and the chick had the nerve to catch an attitude tombout, "Ohnoyoudidnt tell me I'm too loud. But I'll try to quiet down". Don't mess with me and my ZZZ's witch, I will turn into something you never want to encounter again.

Speaking of ZZZ's, lemme go find some. Have a good night yall


8 Comments:

Blogger Sister Toldja said...

LMAO@ "Heartburn"!!!! You better than me, I woulda said something smart when she winked at my man!!!!

So who won Miss New York's heart?!?!

Blogger Tenacious said...

"alligators arguing over a bag of flour"

"socks come in grey, but they shouldn't fade from white to that color."

"Sunshine, I know you got it when you graduated from the police academy, but it's time to give it a proper burial"

"haven't seen a zero since I was a fetus"

"Lady, if you got that shirt any smaller, the Pillsbury Doughboy would appear and cuss you out for smashing his rolls all up. And other lady, about that skirt...I didnt know cottage cheese came in chocolate"

....are just a FEW comments that have contributed to my early death from laughing too hard. Tasha please send flowers and a donation to my mother please.

Blogger Tenacious said...

"alligators arguing over a bag of flour"

"socks come in grey, but they shouldn't fade from white to that color."

"Sunshine, I know you got it when you graduated from the police academy, but it's time to give it a proper burial"

"haven't seen a zero since I was a fetus"

"Lady, if you got that shirt any smaller, the Pillsbury Doughboy would appear and cuss you out for smashing his rolls all up. And other lady, about that skirt...I didnt know cottage cheese came in chocolate"

....are just a FEW comments that have contributed to my early death from laughing too hard. Tasha please send flowers and a donation to my mother please.

Anonymous Sugar said...

Girl, you need to get you some rest at night, because you are all over the map with this post!! (lololol) I feel you on the rough feet thing! Lord, I hates a man with big old dusty Fred Flintstone feet. Look like he's been stopping his car with those dogs!! Or at least like he COULD!

Blogger Golden Silence said...

I didnt know cottage cheese came in chocolate.

Lord, I hates a man with big old dusty Fred Flintstone feet.

Oh, barf! Hysterical...but nasty as hell at the same time!

Blogger Ladynay said...

I don't even have the words for this post! Too too funny!

Blogger Honey-Libra said...

I busted out laughing at your I haven't worn a size 0 since I was a fetus LOL..cause I usually say I havent' worn a size 4 since I was four LOL...

AWW you and the HUN are cute :) gotta love bunned up weekends..I know I do..

Umm dead at the woman dressed like she was advertising for pepto LOL

Blogger jerzeygyrl said...

"she probably lives in the projects and she claims the roaches as her dependents to get the tax credit."

LMAO! Right! Her and her ragedy mamma!

My brothers pigmentally challenged beige girlfriend is always saying she's fat. I finally had to tell her to shut the hell up this weekend... she's a size 2! She's always tommbout how her ass is big! WHERE?!?! That looks like an anthill!

*smh*

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