Beltway Buggin'

Everyday I'm on that asphalt go-kart track also known as I-495, The Capital Beltway, The Capital Parking Lot, Hell, or whatever you want to call it. Without fail, I see some crap-tastic demonstrations of driving skills and other mess that sends me into unflattering bouts of road rage. This morning, I think I forgot my calmness at home, because it was all cussin, fussin, and middle fanger flailin from Laurel to Vienna. So even though the people I'm talking about will probably never read this, I'm gonna put them out there anyway.


Silver Benz Truck w/Delaware Tags- Get your gotdamned finger out your nose. You are a grown ass man, if you're going to "pick and roll" like that in your car, at least do it in the dark

Black Yukon w/the basketball clingy stickers on the back- Two words bytch: turn signal. Those are the little arrows pointing to the right and left on your dasboard near the speedometer. When you want to change lanes, use those so you can tell the people behind you that you're gonna be making a move.

Red Honda CR-V w/unreadable MD Tags- Blind Spot. Check it before you change lanes. And don't get indignant when I honk at you when you almost knock me into oblivion while you try to change lanes. Yeah, I was in your bind spot, not purposefully though. This is why you HAVE to check this.

Black BMW 325i- Bruh, this is NOT the time to pull out your fuggin Norelco and shave your beard. Get up 20 minutes earlier so you can do that shat. We can see you!

Green Minivan- Hit the MFin gas! You need to keep up with the flow of traffic. If you want to drive slower, go to the right! The Beltway is slow enough as it is, don't contribute to this problem

White Honda Civic- Have you never seen someone get a ticket before? It's usually the same thing each time: cops flash lights, cops pull person over, cop stands at person's window and writes ticket, both parties leave. It happens every day, so there's no need to sit and stare at it, slowing down traffic.

Green Jeep- Don't look over at me then make googly eyes. It's too early to flirt. Go take a cold shower

Yellow Ford Escape- Put your novel down, NOW. You do NOT read while operating a vehicle, EVER. I don't care if traffic is moving slowly.

White Mazda Protege- Take the Krispy Kremes out of your mouth. You're driving fine, but you can barely fit in your car, so you shouldn't be eating donuts.

Silver Car, Couldn't tell the model- You don't need to have your cat in your car walking around the back windshield. That's what cat carriers are made for. If you don't have one, you can borrow mine if you need--cuz that mess scared me. I didn't know if the cat was alive or stuffed until it got up and stretched.

Yeah, we need to look at other commuting options. I take Metro to work sometimes, but it's just as bad. I think it's about time I find a new job not so daggone far away, preferrably in the city and not a damn suburb.