My mom has got to be the coolest, craziest, most direct person I know. Of course I mean that in a good way, though (well most of the time). I talk to her at least once a day, and she never fails to cheer me up when I'm having the shittiest of days, not so much because she's my mama, but more because she's like the *female* version of madea (but a lot better looking and more stylish).
Anyhoo, I got off the phone with my mom not all that long ago, and she had me almost in tears laughing at the advice she was dispensing.
Me: "Mom, I don't know if it's a smart thing to do me talking to him. You know, the daughter thing and all..."
Mom: "Ok, and how many good, decent, non-crazy men have you met in the last year?"
Me: "..."
Mom: "Alright then, soooo what's the problem? He fits the bill and has no drama with his daughter's mother. Why are you trying to act like you don't wanna make that move with him? You've been looking forever for someone who has all his qualifications"
Me: "I dunno"
Mom: "Child. Take a chance"
Me: "Hmmm. But what about *Linebacker*? He's pretty cool."
Mom: "Is *Linebacker's* dick made of platinum and encrusted with diamonds?"
Me: "What the?? Mom!!"
Mom: "You heard me!"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Alright then, unless *Linebacker*'s dick is made of something you can pawn for money or he shits $100 bills, you need to leave his ass alone. And his friend that you told me was trying to get with you sounds like he's not worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on. Give this new one a chance"
Me: "Daaamn mama, you didn't have to talk about him like that. But I get your point"
Mom: "And you need to tell that window licker boy who tried to steal your eggs that the only eggs he needs to be concerned with are the ones on his plate. Matter of fact, he shouldn't be allowed within 100 feet of a hen-house because he might try and rob them blind and sell the eggs on the restaurant black market. If he acts a fool, then you have my permission to whoop his ass with your egg-colored baseball bat. I'll bail you out if you get arrested for that baby. I'm done. I'm about to go smoke a cigarette"
Me: "Wow. Ok, talk to you later"
My mom is the type of lady you can talk to about anything and everything. Damn near anything might come out of her mouth when she's joking around, but don't get it twisted, she's a class act and is the definition of real woman.
Anyhoo, I got off the phone with my mom not all that long ago, and she had me almost in tears laughing at the advice she was dispensing.
Me: "Mom, I don't know if it's a smart thing to do me talking to him. You know, the daughter thing and all..."
Mom: "Ok, and how many good, decent, non-crazy men have you met in the last year?"
Me: "..."
Mom: "Alright then, soooo what's the problem? He fits the bill and has no drama with his daughter's mother. Why are you trying to act like you don't wanna make that move with him? You've been looking forever for someone who has all his qualifications"
Me: "I dunno"
Mom: "Child. Take a chance"
Me: "Hmmm. But what about *Linebacker*? He's pretty cool."
Mom: "Is *Linebacker's* dick made of platinum and encrusted with diamonds?"
Me: "What the?? Mom!!"
Mom: "You heard me!"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Alright then, unless *Linebacker*'s dick is made of something you can pawn for money or he shits $100 bills, you need to leave his ass alone. And his friend that you told me was trying to get with you sounds like he's not worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on. Give this new one a chance"
Me: "Daaamn mama, you didn't have to talk about him like that. But I get your point"
Mom: "And you need to tell that window licker boy who tried to steal your eggs that the only eggs he needs to be concerned with are the ones on his plate. Matter of fact, he shouldn't be allowed within 100 feet of a hen-house because he might try and rob them blind and sell the eggs on the restaurant black market. If he acts a fool, then you have my permission to whoop his ass with your egg-colored baseball bat. I'll bail you out if you get arrested for that baby. I'm done. I'm about to go smoke a cigarette"
Me: "Wow. Ok, talk to you later"
My mom is the type of lady you can talk to about anything and everything. Damn near anything might come out of her mouth when she's joking around, but don't get it twisted, she's a class act and is the definition of real woman.
9 Comments:
Lol. First time coming through, but that was hilarious. Oh and I agree with your mom.
My mom is somethin else, I swear. Welcome! *hands you a "welcome" cupcake and a copy of the first two seasons of "Soul Train"*
That is funny...glad you have that relationship.
Mom: "Is *Linebacker's* dick made of platinum and encrusted with diamonds?"
LOL! Mom killed me!!!
I wish my mom was chill like that. She acts like she can't even talk about sex AROUND me and I'm almost 30 years old?? WTF is that?
You are lucky to have that relationship with her.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!1
: )
I see your mother and my mother are kindred spirit...where do you think I get most of MY quotes from?
Is the platinum dick an "old school" term or something because my mother keeps saying it!!
My moms is my best friend. if you cant get down and dirty with ya moms who else can you turn to?
@golden silence: It's been a rough road to get to where we are, but I really am thankful
@Tittay: My mom is so open about sex it's ridiculous. She taught most of my friends how to use condoms cuz their parents couldn't be bothered.
@Tenacious: I was wondering if that was an old school term, cuz I've heard another woman her age say it too. My moms is my best friend too, girl. I don't know what I'd do without that lady sometimes.
Hey T. Your mother is a real
character. I guess you and I
have that in common.
(I had my blog on private by
accident)
your mother sounds like she is great fun to be around. from the conversation you guys had, honesty and closeness is refreshing. that is cool!
Your mother seems so cool. I can't belive what she said about the linebacker's dick thought. As some people age they just say whatever comes to mind.
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