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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Ghetto Fabulous for $200 Alex
**Warning: There is some cooning going on in this post**

My melanin-deficient friends and sheltered black fam, I’m really going to need you to stop the use of the word “ghetto” as a backhanded insult immediately. See, the problem with you using the word so freely is that you don’t really know the first thing about real ghetto. You wouldn’t know the projects if you were magically dropped there. I can hear it now, “Hmm, this is an interesting looking skyscraper condo complex…The residents must be into that shabby chic look.” That statement alone disqualifies you from using this word. I know you’re probably looking at me funny asking why I’m allowed to use the word, so allow me to explain. I’m an alumnae of The Illustrious School of Ghetto Hoods and Crackhead Survival. I earned my stripes, along with most of my people who grew up knowing at least one person named June Bug or Pookie.

Let’s get some things straight about what ghetto is and isn’t, and here to help me out is the Peanut Gallery, also known as Lauren, Will, and Malik—the undercover hoodrat patrol. Welcome to our game! Unghetto girl, you make one statement of what you think is ghetto and the peanut gallery will decide if the statement is true, then I will do the same thing. (ok yall, a real live whitechick, lol —the coolest one we know—stepped in and played the unghetto girl and we actually played this “game” in my living room. We were bored and inebriated ok, so cut us some slack)

Unghetto Girl: “Ugggh, shopping at Abercrombie instead of Hollister is sooo ghetto…”

Peanut Gallery: “Not so much”

Me: “Shopping at K-Mart and putting erythang on layaway. That’s ghetto”

Peanut Gallery: *All nod head in agreement* “Damn Tash, that’s deep. That's how our parents bought the Roots Miniseries on tape”

Unghetto Girl: “Taking gymnastics, not ballet. Now that’s ghetto”

Peanut Gallery: *All just look confused and shake heads ‘no’*

Me: “Finding a dirty old mattress outside, then pulling it over to the playground. And then you and your crew use it as a cushion when practicing your flips and ninja kicks. Ghetto to the core”

Peanut Gallery: *Put up black power fists in agreement*

Unghetto Girl: “Drinking chardonnay out of a martini glass”

Peanut Gallery: *Look up chardonnay on Wikipedia* “Boooooo”

Me: “Drinking RED Kool-Aid out of an old yogurt cup”

Peanut Gallery: *Hold a toast with their yogurt cups and mason jars*

Unghetto Girl: “Making French crèpes with Bisquick mix. That’s gotta be ghetto”

Peanut Gallery: *After much debate, agree* “Yeah, that’s ghetto français-style”

Me: “Making grilled gubment cheese sammiches using an iron and a paper bag”

Peanut Gallery: *All shed a tear*

You get the idea. The game went on until we were practically ready for an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. But either way, very few so-called “ghetto” things make it through the gates of WhiteBread Estates, Vermont. Please leave the ghetto nomenclature to the professionals.

Game Over, now back to our regularly scheduled non-coon, non-buffonery, doesn’t-set-us-back-50-years business.


Blogger Honey-Libra said...

AHHHH AHAHAHA..I'm surprised someone didn't say cooking some fish then putting the grease in a mayonnaise jar and using it to cook some greens later on LOL

Blogger Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Actually, I'm allowed to say ghetto. A ghetto was originally an island where Jews were forced to live.

Blogger Tasha said...

@Ar-jew-tino: Very true, you absolutely get to say ghetto, moreso than I.

Blogger Golden Silence said...

Or like Brooke on this current season of "Real World" who freaked out when trying to find a nail salon and called the area she was in "ghetto." Trust me, that area with tall buildings, open space and one or two guys loitering about was not the "ghetto."

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trust me, that area with tall buildings, open space and one or two guys loitering about was not the "ghetto."

OK! That dumb sheltered broad needs to take her ass to the real hood. She would probably shit her pants.

Anonymous DJ Black Adam said...

Bwahhhhahahahahah! So true. You have to add washing cloths in the bath tubb using Ivory Liquid or Dawn (that's why I keep a working washer and dryer till this day!!)

Blogger NegroPino™ said...

noW THATS gETTO...MAKING spAM SANDWICHES is GEtto!!!!!! ANd ppl think u had to live in the projects to be GETTO..Getto is like a culture. It reminds me of that episode of the Real WOrld Devnver when old girl had an anxiety attack and said she was in the GETTO but couldnt' really explain what the GETTO was...

Blogger emptyHEART said...

Ahh shit, 'mattress in the park practicing your flips and ninja kicks'. You just brought back the glory days of my youth. I'm talkin bout the mattress had questionable stains and springs poppin out and shit but it was the livest thing in the playground (cuz the basketball hoops had no rims). Kids will make anything fun.

Memories like this make me say to myself that when I am established I will definitely be giving back to my hood.

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