Over the last few weeks, I've been getting a lot of emails from people asking me for advice and/or my opinion on a subject. Great. I'm not 'Dear Abby', so I'm sure my advice is kinda crazy at times, but I do my best to answer unbiased and honestly. I got permission from a few people to post their questions and my answers, so here goes...
"Dear Tasha,
Maybe you can help me here. I'm inspired by the love you and D have for each other, and I'm trying to find a good guy to settle down and build a life with as well, but am not having much luck. I'm a 26 year old African-American female with no children. I work out regularly, dress nicely, wear nice makeup and perfumes, keep my hair up, and just always look put together. I also am VERY independent, educated, and have a good job that pays well. Why do you think I'm batting zero? -K.R."
Hi K.R., thanks for the kind words about D and myself. I'm glad you're inspired by us, but please don't try to be us--what works for us might not work for everyone. Anyway, you say you always look put together but I have to ask...are you really put together or do you just look like you are? If you're not really put together, then you're just putting on a front for the world. Real, good men like a real, good woman. So that doesn't mean you need to air your issues out for all to see, but understand that a REAL man is more interested in what's going on in her heart and her mind than he is in how put together she looks. Trust me, the man that's worth keeping won't mind if your hair is out of place every now and again. Also, you wrote nothing about your character traits, but you have a laundry list of your appearance "greats". If you focus on your looks and your "have it together" act to the exclusion of other traits, then you come off as pretensious, stuck up, shallow, and unapproachable. What's good is it if you look good but no one wants to be near you because you have a jacked-up attitude (or look like you have one)?
Yes it is true that most men respect and adore women who are confident in themselves and are assertive and don't mind working hard to get what they want, but they don't like a woman who is so independent that she seems to have no use for him. A man likes to feel wanted and needed sometimes. Yes, be strong and handle yours, but don't play that "independent woman" card so hard that it backfires on you and leaves you all alone.
I also want you to ask yourself what you would bring to a relationship. What besides your independence, education, and good looks? Are you loyal? Are you honest? Are you able to leave your emotional baggage at the door? If you're unable to answer those essential types of questions, then you will continually attract men who don't have answers to those questions (in regards to themselves) either.
Be aware of what vibes you're putting out in the world and don't limit yourself. Be the very best YOU that you can be and continue to work on and love yourself, and the right man will come to you.
-Tasha
"Dear Tasha,
I'm all caught up with these three men. Girl I'm trying to get my life figured out cos I want to get married and have some babies. But I'm in a bad triangle. I met this dude at the club and we get along good but I'm not feelin him like that. we have raw sex often and i don't want to stop that because it's good. but I don't want tos string him along either cos I'm not feeling him like i said. And there's another guy who I like alot but he's emotionally unavailable and he doesn't know i like him. Im' afraid to tell him so. We've had raw sex a few times and I'm scakred he thinks I'm a hoe. And this other guy is just sexual. He makes me feel so free in bed. I like the second guy a lot but I think I messed up my chance. What do I do? Help me. -T.N."
Ummm. Wow. This is going to sound harsh, but let me start with saying CLOSE YOUR LEGS so you can clear your mind. Why are you having sex with all these men? I'm all for having your fun, but sleeping around the way you are will get you sick or worse. If you're going to continue to behave like that I beg you to use protection!! Condoms are cheeeeap and if you go to certain places, they're free. USE THEM. Demand that much respect, because you're not doing a good job demanding it otherwise.
Also, instead of opening your legs, try opening your mouth. If you don't like the first guy from the club in a romantic way, then tell him that. The sex will probably dry up, but that's what you need right now anyway. Ok, so you lose good dick...so what. I'd rather have my self-respect than good dick anyday. You can get some AA batteries and some astroglide to replace that. With the second dude, how do you know he's emotionally unavailable? Seems like you're just going on fear. If you have a grown up conversation with him, you might find out that he likes you but was feeling awkward about your sexual encounters. Just be a woman and let him know how you feel.
The third guy...I can't tell you what to do with that. But if you're looking for marriage, he's going to have to go at some point. If you're woman enough to have your fun while you're dating, then do that and just make sure you do it safely. I will club that BE SAFE message over your head with a baseball bat if I have to. I don't want to see another unwanted baby or HIV victim.
The best thing I can tell you to do in the meantime is to sort out what you really are looking for in a relationship. If it's the second guy, go for it, but keep your legs closed so sex doesn't cloud your judgement. Remember, a woman will only get as much respect from a man as she demands from him. If you act like a hoe, he will treat you in kind. If you act like a classy lady and explain your needs like a real woman, he will treat you as such.
I'll be praying for you.
-Tasha
OK...if yall have anything to add or if you completely disagree with what I said, get at me in the comments!
"Dear Tasha,
Maybe you can help me here. I'm inspired by the love you and D have for each other, and I'm trying to find a good guy to settle down and build a life with as well, but am not having much luck. I'm a 26 year old African-American female with no children. I work out regularly, dress nicely, wear nice makeup and perfumes, keep my hair up, and just always look put together. I also am VERY independent, educated, and have a good job that pays well. Why do you think I'm batting zero? -K.R."
Hi K.R., thanks for the kind words about D and myself. I'm glad you're inspired by us, but please don't try to be us--what works for us might not work for everyone. Anyway, you say you always look put together but I have to ask...are you really put together or do you just look like you are? If you're not really put together, then you're just putting on a front for the world. Real, good men like a real, good woman. So that doesn't mean you need to air your issues out for all to see, but understand that a REAL man is more interested in what's going on in her heart and her mind than he is in how put together she looks. Trust me, the man that's worth keeping won't mind if your hair is out of place every now and again. Also, you wrote nothing about your character traits, but you have a laundry list of your appearance "greats". If you focus on your looks and your "have it together" act to the exclusion of other traits, then you come off as pretensious, stuck up, shallow, and unapproachable. What's good is it if you look good but no one wants to be near you because you have a jacked-up attitude (or look like you have one)?
Yes it is true that most men respect and adore women who are confident in themselves and are assertive and don't mind working hard to get what they want, but they don't like a woman who is so independent that she seems to have no use for him. A man likes to feel wanted and needed sometimes. Yes, be strong and handle yours, but don't play that "independent woman" card so hard that it backfires on you and leaves you all alone.
I also want you to ask yourself what you would bring to a relationship. What besides your independence, education, and good looks? Are you loyal? Are you honest? Are you able to leave your emotional baggage at the door? If you're unable to answer those essential types of questions, then you will continually attract men who don't have answers to those questions (in regards to themselves) either.
Be aware of what vibes you're putting out in the world and don't limit yourself. Be the very best YOU that you can be and continue to work on and love yourself, and the right man will come to you.
-Tasha
"Dear Tasha,
I'm all caught up with these three men. Girl I'm trying to get my life figured out cos I want to get married and have some babies. But I'm in a bad triangle. I met this dude at the club and we get along good but I'm not feelin him like that. we have raw sex often and i don't want to stop that because it's good. but I don't want tos string him along either cos I'm not feeling him like i said. And there's another guy who I like alot but he's emotionally unavailable and he doesn't know i like him. Im' afraid to tell him so. We've had raw sex a few times and I'm scakred he thinks I'm a hoe. And this other guy is just sexual. He makes me feel so free in bed. I like the second guy a lot but I think I messed up my chance. What do I do? Help me. -T.N."
Ummm. Wow. This is going to sound harsh, but let me start with saying CLOSE YOUR LEGS so you can clear your mind. Why are you having sex with all these men? I'm all for having your fun, but sleeping around the way you are will get you sick or worse. If you're going to continue to behave like that I beg you to use protection!! Condoms are cheeeeap and if you go to certain places, they're free. USE THEM. Demand that much respect, because you're not doing a good job demanding it otherwise.
Also, instead of opening your legs, try opening your mouth. If you don't like the first guy from the club in a romantic way, then tell him that. The sex will probably dry up, but that's what you need right now anyway. Ok, so you lose good dick...so what. I'd rather have my self-respect than good dick anyday. You can get some AA batteries and some astroglide to replace that. With the second dude, how do you know he's emotionally unavailable? Seems like you're just going on fear. If you have a grown up conversation with him, you might find out that he likes you but was feeling awkward about your sexual encounters. Just be a woman and let him know how you feel.
The third guy...I can't tell you what to do with that. But if you're looking for marriage, he's going to have to go at some point. If you're woman enough to have your fun while you're dating, then do that and just make sure you do it safely. I will club that BE SAFE message over your head with a baseball bat if I have to. I don't want to see another unwanted baby or HIV victim.
The best thing I can tell you to do in the meantime is to sort out what you really are looking for in a relationship. If it's the second guy, go for it, but keep your legs closed so sex doesn't cloud your judgement. Remember, a woman will only get as much respect from a man as she demands from him. If you act like a hoe, he will treat you in kind. If you act like a classy lady and explain your needs like a real woman, he will treat you as such.
I'll be praying for you.
-Tasha
OK...if yall have anything to add or if you completely disagree with what I said, get at me in the comments!
8 Comments:
Great post and great advice!! You hit the nail on the head with both ladies.
I just have to re-iterate with the 2nd letter, please if you don't want to stop knockin the boots at least protect yourself in the process. Girl, you could be doing more damage to yourself than you can imagine.
I agree with the advice too.
And I wonder why so many 20-something women are headstrong about settling down and getting married! All I'd like is a simple relationship right now, period...not interested in the ring, marriage or kids at the moment!
These women just need to work on finding themselves first. Everything else will come.
Great advice.
I'm with golden silence about young women being determine to getting married. Slow down! Live your life first. I never went out looking for a man or sat around worrying about why I don't got a man. I knew I was/am a good catch. Stop worrying. It will happen when it happen. It happened to me now I've been in a loving relationship for 4 yrs.
Your advice on both counts is on the money, honey.
The chick who wrote the second letter should get herself into counseling - as soon as possible.
I have to agree with my baby on these two advices she gave. Remember that alot of times we complain about situations that we are in, but our decisions is what effects us. You can make a decision years earlier that affects you now and you would never know why you are going through what you are going through.
So just keep in mind that you have a choice in how you feel and what you do. Sometimes its your own doing. Stay safe and be blessed everyone!
excellent advice.
you did great.
Peace
Great post as usual. 2nd letter got me though....emotionally unavailable probably means she's sleeping with a married man. If that's the case, she will NEVER be anything more than what she is now....just another "thing" to occupy his time. I hope the young sista finds peace within herself first and then focus on finding a real loving relationship.
You go girl!!! That was some great advice. :-)
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