.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
Monday, July 30, 2007
Victimize Me
This weekend, D and I went out with a few of our friends and ended up having an interesting conversation. One of the couples we were out with were talking about a lady they know who is a single mother raising 5 kids on her own, none of whom have the same father mind you, and she is struggling, so they feel sorry for her and want to help her by buying the kids' school supplies. We definitely know their hearts were in the right place, because lawd knows it's hard out there for a single mama--I was raised by one, so I do know first hand.

But D and one of the other girls (who is a 4th grade teacher) both brought up the same valid point. They wondered why when a woman sleeps around without children, she's a ho' but then if she does the same and has kids by a bunch of men, she's a victim because she's a single mom. In all honesty, I have to wonder the same thing.

I've seen it happen more often than I'm really comfortable with. I'm using one woman in particular to illustrate my point. This girl, who's about 3 years younger than me, started out in the youth choir at church, etc etc but as she grew into a young woman she fell hard from grace. She started sleeping around with people in the church, slept with a few married men, and was seen at the "clinic" being treated for 'that stuff'; basically acting like much less than a lady. The church women had LOTS to say about her--"that child ain't nothing but a hoochie now", "can't nothin' but prayer save her behind now", "both her and her mama should be shamed, with her actin like a slut!", and so on and so on.

She came back to church a few months later with a pregnant belly. The church women were still wary of her, but softened a bit in their words to her. She gave birth and had a hard time financially like most any single parent would. But five months later, she showed up pregnant again. When asked if the babies had the same father, she put her head down in shame. The church women of course stood by her side, allowing her to take comfort in them. Six months after that baby was born, she had an abortion (my mom was her nurse at the office where the procedure was done)--different dude this time. Three and a half months later, back at the same office looking in my mom's face again to have another abortion--different dude. Five months later, back in the SAME office in my mom's face yet again, but this time with a miscarriage--different dude. Seven months later, at the ripe old age of 22, she walks back in church belly pregnant AGAIN. Different Dude. This time a collection was taken up in church to help her buy baby stuff, complete with the woe is me sob story. My mother was speaking to the church women who were sticking up for the girl and explained to them how she came into her office more than twice, and all the women could say was, "She's just a victim of her environment. She doesn't know better."

How is it that she has three babies, and is suddenly a victim of her environment? She was participating in the same behavior as before she became a mother. But she was a ho' then, and is a victim now. The only victims in that situation are her children.

Now don't get me wrong, single parents do have it rough. It's difficult to raise a child with help from no one but yourself. But my sympathy wanes when a woman is voluntarily repeatedly putting herself in that situation. Opinions aside though, the question raised was valid. Why does having a child make a (former?) hoe a victim even when she continues the same behavior patterns?

I wish I had an answer for that. What's your take on it? Get at me in the comments.


13 Comments:

Blogger Honey-Libra said...

The only victim in these situations is the child..cause their momma dont know how to keep their legs closed. I tell my sis all the time you got two kids..no one should feel sorry for you..you were the one that created the situation so you need to take care of it..I'll help my nephews but not you..great.

Blogger Miz JJ said...

The children should not suffer because the mama can't keep her legs closed. I think the sympathy extended to innocent children is placed on the mother when really someone needed to put her ass on the pill, or the depo shot. That is some seriously irresponsible behavior.

Also if single motherhood is normalized then being a dead beat father is completely overlooked. Why should she bear all the stigma? There are 5 men out there who are not minding their children. It is ridiculous. Those men have families who probably say nothing about the fact that those men are losers. Yes, I think a man who does take care of his child is a loser.

Anonymous Greg said...

"The heart has it's reasons that the reason does not know." You can feel bad for someone, even though you can see that she brought it on herself.
The church ladies know this girl is doing wrong, but it still hurts them to see her situation. So, they try to ease the pain a little. Referring to her as a "victim" is just their way of explaining it to themselves, and possibly expressing their own anger at the guys abandoning the girl and child.
You can argue forever about who's to blame. I think it's fair to say that all parties involved acted irresponsibly.

Blogger dc_speaks said...

i have no comment. I just hope, pray and wish that everything comes together for the young lady and the next bad choice doesn't become the one and only fatal choice for having so much unprotected sex.

Blogger BeautyinBaltimore said...

I'm not one to call a woman a ho with ease but I will call another woman a bird brain with no problem at all. I don't for the life of me understand how some women find themselves pregnat with baby after baby. Whats wrong with condoms and birthcontrol. If you are going to sleep around you should at least be responsible.

The men who sleep with her without a condom are tramps,disease carrers and peanut brains. If a woman is givning it out like goverment chesse why would you want to sleep with her raw(or at all).

I am very prochoice but abortion is birthcontrol.

Blogger Amy said...

New to your blog and I really enjoy it!

In regarss to this post, I think one thing that's always important to remember is that any young woman in this situation didn't just arrive at it from a lack of self control or will power or use of birth control or so many other "black/white" options. We have to think about what has been modelled for her, how much education has she had - and what wass the quality of that education, what kind of access does she have to medical services (and this includes $, location, paperwork...how people at the clinic treat her) and so many other things. I'm not trying to say there's no decision or choice aspect to the behaviour that leads to someone being in that situation...but so many things bleed into each other affecting the choices being made.

Now as for then being regarded as a "victim" - I think that only happens amongst the kinder (and not so much wanting to deal with reality) peoples. The maintream establishement (code: "white and priviledged") is not looking at any young woman, especially a black one, and thinking she's a victim...believe that!

okay, I'm starting to ramble so I'll stop.

Anonymous maya said...

Look at all the shit we have available. How people still going "OOPS" after the 2nd 3rd 4th pregnancy.

I don't pity the women doing it, I don't feel disgust, or anger or whatnot. Just in awe.
hell I'm always broke and I only got one kid. how they do they do this...

Anonymous Erica C. said...

Being a caseworker, I see this all the time. These girls know exactly what their doing. They know the system more than you think they do. I've tried to help girls like this by helping them find work after their children are born, offered to help them go back to school, they tell me they don't want to do that because that would affect their monthly benefits.(WTF)!!!

I just have to let them go. You can't save people who keep making the same mistakes over and over, and you surely can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Good post!!!!

Blogger Ladynay said...

I think people feel more for the kids than the mom in those types of cases. She is still "easy" and has no business allowing all those men up in her knowing full well how furtile she is, but those kids didn't have any part of what their momma does.

It's a shame. The mother is NOT a victim, the kids are.

Anonymous MsRebecca said...

Well there's obviously something going on in her head, that maybe no one, not even her can understand, is she looking for someone to love her or something? who knows.. but instead of continuing to bring babies into this world when she knows she can't care for them, she should get her tubes tied or..better yet not have sex at all instead of using abortion as her form of birth control..

Blogger Bklyn Diva said...

the only victim is the kids.. born or unborn..

a former hoe is not a victim just because she chose to have kids and is now raising them on her own..

as a single mother, yeah times get hard BUT you make a way for your family WITHOUT a sob story.. the same damn sob story she came with she coulda used and gained a skill other than laying on her back, knees or what have you.

unfortunately, chicks like that go looking for love in the biggest size dyck rather than with their minds.. having a bunch of babies by a bunch of different men dont make you no victim much less a momma if you can't take care of your family without a sob story..

*spit*

Blogger Tenacious said...

excellent post T

I co sign with BK Diva

Blogger Sheletha said...

I counted 7...born and unborn...


I also blame BET

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

footer