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Thursday, July 26, 2007
Adjectives do not make the man
Thanks everyone for all the kind words over the last few days. I'm thankful for each and every one of you and your comments. They've really meant so much. I'm feeling better now, and am getting out of my funk one day at a time, stronger every day.

I have to say though, a lot of you mention that D is a good dude, and I couldn't agree more. But that got me thinking about this whole good dude concept. There's been a lot of "talk" around the blogosphere lately about good dudes and the lack thereof and it's really got me irritated.

I'll probably get blasted for my opinions, but whatever. It is my damn blog after all. Anyway. More often than not, when I ask women what constitutes a "good man", they launch into a litany of adjectives something akin to this:

"He's got to be:
  • tall

  • dark-skinned

  • light-skinned

  • handsome

  • college-educated

  • muscular

  • well-hung

  • financially well-off

  • well-dressed

  • and so on and so on, etc

  • That's great, but where are the personality traits? What about how he treats you and how he makes you feel? What is he about? What causes does he really support? What are his views about God and spirituality? It's not enough to just ask does he go to church. How was he raised? Who raised him? Last time I checked, those things were more important than how muscular he is.

    Too many times I've seen women who basically walk around with a list of adjectives that a man must resemble in order for her to date him. Enter a real good dude who treats her like a queen and does nothing but enhance her life mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But his adjectives don't match the ones on her list. He's automatically crossed off the list and tossed to the curb. He's put into the category of a "he ain't shit" man, and she continues going around bitching about how there's no good men out there. The good ones that might fit 90% of her adjective list pick up on her shallow, negative, judgemental attitude and dismiss her. So those men become "he ain't shit" men as well--because they don't want her. God forbid someone not find her to be the best woman going, right. God forbid someone think she have an unattractive attitude.

    So finally someone convinces her to go on a date with someone that doesn't quite match her list of required adjectives. Let's say he doesn't have a white-collar job, but is instead a Metro train driver. She likes him okay, but she writes him off as well because he doesn't manage expense accounts at work. "He can't do nothin' for me", she says, trying to take comfort in her list of must-haves.

    But let me tell you, a list of adjectives does not make a man. Rarely will the "one" fit that list perfectly. Yes, please have standards, but be open to the possibiilty. How do I know? Because I was the one with that list. Before I opened myself up to the idea that my good dude may not be a mirror-image of me in terms of career or anything else, I swore that most men "weren't shit" and that very few "could do anything for me". But then I changed my thinking because I realized that trying to find a man that matched my adjective list was preventing me from being a good me so I didn't attract many good dudes to begin with.

    My good dude, D, doesn't really match the list I had in mind. He's not college-educated; he instead went to the Army after high-school and then off to Afghanistan to fight for my freedom. He doesn't wear a suit and tie to work; instead he wears a gun, nightstick, handcuffs, and does his job from a police cruiser. He doesn't have a gold AmEx card; instead he has 2 regular Visa cards and he's the most financially responsible man I know and manages his well. He doesn't have a huge house; instead we have a comfy apartment and is preparing to buy a townhouse. He's nothing that I thought I wanted, but everything that I need and has turned out to be everything that I really want.

    My whole point is, before you start writing men off as no good because they don't fit your perfect little list, take a closer look. The good dude might just be the one you let slip away or the one you're trying to distance yourself from now. Keep your standards, not a list of adjectives. I promise, good will come.


    Blogger Honey-Libra said...

    I LOVED this post. So many times when i was younger and dating I had a list...HUN fits maybe one thing on that list...and he's the best thing that's happened to me in a while...I can only imagine what I might have run into if I had stuck with that list

    Blogger Ms. Behaving said...

    I'm happy to hear you're in better spirits :-) and of course, I'm really diggin' this post.

    Makes a whole lot of sense...a whole lot of sense indeed.

    We women have got to take heed to this one.

    Blogger jameil1922 said...


    Blogger Bklyn Diva said...

    AMEN GIRL!!!


    I was about 26 when I realized all of this.. *damn that was almost 10 yrs ago* and my life DEFINITELY changed for the better...

    excellent post!

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    This is a GREAT post. I just recently told a friend of mine that if a definition of a Good guy are his position, pay, looks etc., then I am upgrading to a GREAT guy. Great guys are considerate, kind, God centered, have morals and take care of financial business and home, honors family etc. YOU have a Great guy.


    Blogger Minerva Exertion said...

    Great Post!!!

    Many years ago I had a list that had all the stated shallow adjectives. The one good dude I did date didn't fit the list and he ended up being the good dude that got away. Damn!

    Anyway, I scrapped that list six years ago after going through enough bullshuckey to last a lifetime. I made a new list that was more about a man's character more so than his physical attributes or what he has obtained. Besides, writing about dudes that I have dated or have dated recently in the shallow sense is better than talking about some of the f*cked up shyt they have done. Makes a funny story.

    Now I need to work on me more so another good dude can come in my life.

    Sorry for the long (somewhat desultory) post. Glad you are feeling better.

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    **Standing ovation**

    Blogger dc_speaks said...

    ok now...you go girl

    a marvelous post indeed!

    men need to have a similar post. if you don't mind, i'd like to tackle that task.


    Blogger CortneyGee said...

    Like the post ... love the hope and knowledge you left the ladies with ...

    Blogger thee modern isis said...

    I wish I would have came by sooner but I actually love this post.

    You absolutely hit the nail on the head. I think alot of women actually rule out alot of men just because they don't fit their long list of "Got to have and Got to look like"

    Again.. excellent post!

    Blogger Miz JJ said...

    When I list what I want in a man character stuff is always up front. Great post. My mom always told me that I better have something to back up my cute face because looks fade. That applies to men as well.

    Blogger DJ Black Adam said...

    I wish more sisters would understand that while of course one's preferences are important, you have to look below the surface. You need to pay attention to WHO the person is beyond what the do, what they own or how they look.

    Anonymous MsRebecca said...

    This was so good! I really enjoyed reading it.. This is soooooo true, even in my current situation, my guy.. he's not what I ever thought I would end up with but his patience with me and all of my faults make it blindingly aware that he must LOVE me.. 'Cuz I'll tell you what.. I can be a handful and then some.. but he just sits there.. patiently..

    Anonymous Black Mamba said...

    I hear that! I changed my "thinking" and met my honey. Great post! :-)

    Blogger AR Gal said...

    Say that!!

    Great post!

    Blogger Ladynay said...

    On the money girl on the money!

    Blogger Golden Silence said...

    Besides, a lot of the "good-looking" guys can be extremely shallow because they haven't had to depend on anything else to get by in life but their looks. I don't care if he doesn't look like an athlete or a male model, just as long as he treats me well that's all that matters.

    Great post, Tasha.

    Anonymous K. said...

    Very wise and thoughtful post. It's definitely important to be open-minded, and be secure enough in self that you won't be thinking in the back of your mind "what will people think if I date a guy who lacks all the adjectives?" Truthfully, I think that's what it boils down to a lot of times.

    I'm gonna be honest and say that my first choice would be the educated dude. But education and all that stuff doesn't trump treating me well and having character so my dating pool is pretty diverse.

    Blogger BeautyinBaltimore said...

    I have a list, I think I made it into a post but I'm flexible with it. The most important thing any husband or boyfriend can do is give me piece of mind.

    I'm glad that you mentioned he is responsible with money because if he was not it would not matter if he was making 6 or 7 figures. The two of you would have fiancial problems.

    Blogger Always.Funky.Fresh said...

    Great post Tasha. You hit the nail right on the head. I have a friend with a list like a damn scroll and is never happy and never satisfied and although I think everyone needs standards, sometimes you gotta look in the mirror and understand what you really need.

    Blogger Shai said...

    Good post. I had a list and gave guys leeway. I settled my standards in the process. I like how you used the word adjectives. Different way to look at things. So I realized I can be flexible on some things like looks etc but not on standards like is he good with finances.

    Blogger Gunfighter said...

    Well, I was the brother who was never on the sister's list.

    Wrong education (I went into the MArines at age 17).

    Wrong speech.

    Wrong Car.

    Wrong job (I was a security supervisor).

    When I got married, most of the women in my quasi social circle went f***in' crazy.

    Blogger malieta said...

    Amen to that!!!!!!!

    Blogger Mademoiselle M said...

    This is the truth. I am so feelin you, especially on: "What about how he treats you and how he makes you feel? What is he about? What causes does he really support? What are his views about God and spirituality?"

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