Quiet Monday

Ladybugs are still red. All weekend, I've been hearing my little cousin's wise words; and truly they've never been more appropriate I guess.

I found out Friday that I do have the early stages of cervical cancer. It's very early and very treatable. So no chemo and no radiation right now, thank God. I have to have a procedure done that will basically burn the top layers of my cervix off, and therefore burn off all of the "damaged" (cancerous) cells (we hope). I hear it's an easy procedure, but we'll see. There will be lots of follow up before and after, to make sure the damaged cells don't spread. I also have a ginormous cyst on my left ovary. Like peanut sized, damn. It'll come off the same day that I have the other procedure done. So yay, I get to keep both of my ovaries! I really never thought I'd see the day that I make a statement like that.

It's still hard for me to put it in my mind that I have cancer. Tears come in spells, even today. I know I'm lucky that we caught it early, so my life doesn't have to change much, but I know that for everyone like me who gets a good prognosis, there's somone who gets it much much worse. So I don't know how to feel. Why was I lucky, and not my mom's best friend? Why was I lucky, and not my cousin? I feel almost paralyzed by my own diagnosis and prognosis. I want to crawl in a hole. That's what I did all weekend. Just bury myself in myself, if that makes sense to you. Going through the motions of being happy, but all the while trying to make sense of all of this. My world, spinning in the wrong direction.

I'm back to work today, and no one here knows except my boss. The world keeps moving. In the right direction. Just like my little cousin said, the grass is still green, the sky is still blue, and ladybugs are still red. D, our families, and our friends are helping me to get through this and keep going. We're still getting married, we're still gonna have kids, I'm still going to teach dance, and I'm still going to be a great best friend. This is just a blip on the radar, one of those mountains I have to climb to see the goodness on the other side. Yep. The world, and my life will go on. I'm lucky. I don't know what else to say. I don't know what else to do but cry sometimes. I'm happy, sad, everywhere in between.

Forgive me if this post is disconnected; I'm still trying to get right. Have a good day, happy Monday yall.