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Monday, October 30, 2006
Easy Like Sunday Morning
When I get in my feelings I listen to music more than usual, which is hard to believe since I rarely am without music of some sort. I listen to any genre that sounds good to me, I'm not prejudiced to any particular style. It's funny how song lyrics can express your emotions better than your own words. I was listening to "Easy" by Lionel Richie/Commodores earlier and some of the lyrics say exactly how I've been feeling:

...You know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed....
Why in the world
Would anybody put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it
Everbody wants me to be
What they want me to be
I'm not happy when I try to fake it!....
I wanna be free to know
The things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me, babe!
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning....

I suppose I could give minute detail as to why I've been all emotional lately, but that would kind of take away from the sanctity of it. I'll go so far as to say my heart's been opened up in potentially the cruelest way possible and I'm searching for that proverbial band-aid.

Also, I'm feeling kind of weary. I find myself more often I'd like to be, the only black (woman) in social and professional settings. People look to me for the so-called black perspective or for the female perspective on things. I get tired of feeling like I have to be a representative for an entire race of people. I've had to explain too many times that my opinions are my own, and while some black people and some females may share my opinions, they should not be taken as the gospel.

I'm tired of having to always watch what I say, what I write, and how I feel for fear of misrepresenting my people. I have to systematically dilute the harshness of my words for fear of being seen as the "crazy black woman" at work and in school, and I can only do that so much before my soul begins to crack.

I've blogged intermittently on one website or another for the last few years to an audience that I may never see in person, and even though I don't mince words in my forum, still in the back of my mind I wonder if someone will see my words and wonder if all black people or all black women or all females think this way. Is my criticism of myself and the world too much for some people to handle? Is my prose not "black" enough? Not "feminist" enough? Not eloquent enough? Does the fact that I'm proud of being a college educated black woman come off as elitist?

At some point, I stop this mental interrogation to remind myself and the world at large that just because I'm black and female I'm not your representative. Do not ask me what it's like to be a black woman, because I have nothing to compare my experiences to. I've been this way since God created me. I continue writing, speaking, and acting however my spirit tells me to, and for that, I make no apologies.

I wanna be free
Just me, babe!
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning....


2 Comments:

Blogger honeykbee said...

Not sure if you'll believe me entirely, but I can really relate to this entry. I am often saddled with being not only "the woman" in professional situations but also "the Jew". As if I want to discuss or defend either category. Can get to be a pretty heavy load to bear.

Blogger Tasha said...

I definitely believe that you can relate. A lot of my Jewish friends go through the same thing. It's hard to pretend to be Atlas and bear that kind of load

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