More Conversations With La Bella Mama

Now that I live with D, my mother felt the need to pass on some nuggets of wisdom to me last night. Apparently these are secrets known by all wives and live in girlfriends the world over, and she felt that I'm now in a place to know this information. My mother is an absolute nut, she really needs her own reality show or something.

Me: "Mom, I love him dearly, but he has some habits I just can't stand. Uggggg! The shirts!"

Mom: "Just leaves 'em on the floor, right? And has a few that he wears ALL the time, but you hate and think the rest of the world hates just as much?"

Me: "Ohmygod. Yup. You have the same problem?"

Mom: "Every married woman or live in girlfriend has or has had this issue. Hmmm, you know what you do right? Damn, I shouldn't be telling you this. I really shouldn't."

Me: "You can't not tell me now!"

Mom: "Okay...well....alright. Now don't get too happy with this but, every once in a blue moon, take one of the shirts you HATE and just hide it. Does he go in your car trunk?"

Me: "No. Not unless we're grocery shopping or something"

Mom: "Okay good. When he starts looking for it, you look for it just as hard as he does. Just make sure you don't laugh or get that crooked face you get when you're trying to hide something. Jesus, I know I shouldn't have told you this."

Me: **dying laughing**

Mom: "About 3 or 4 months later, get another one of his shirts that you hate and rip a big azz hole in the armpit. Then throw it in the wash and when you take it out tell him 'Awwww baby, your shirt got messed up in the wash'. And try not to laugh. If you think he might try to fix the hole, throw some bleach on it and wash it then tell him it got caught up in the white clothes when you were doing laundry"

Me: **still laughing @ the idea of my mama telling me this mess**

Mom: "Then you say, well let's go shopping and replace that shirt that got messed up. You pick one out that you like and say 'you'd look sexy in this. Go try it on'. He'll wear that shirt proudly cuz he knows you think it looks sexy."

Me: "So you do this to daddy?"

Mom: "What do you think? You saw those crazy looking shirts he had when we got married? They got *ahem* upgraded. You must not know bout me, child!"

Me: "Damn. So did gramma teach you this?"

Mom: "Of course, and I saw my aunts and her friends do it, and all my married friends do it too. It makes for a happy household. Or at least one that doesn't involve your man going out looking a mess."

Me: "Gramma? Really!?"

Mom: "You may have been too young to remember, but she was just obvious with hers. She would see a shirt she hate and rip it to shreds, then tell grampa, 'Well Henry, your shirt got effed up in the washer machine. It's in the garbage now. You're gonna have to wear that new one the kids bought you.'"

Me: "He must have gotten hip to the game"

Mom: "I'm sure he did, but they were married so long he just went along with it. That's why you gotta be sneaky. Yall ain't been married no 50 years, and me either, so we gotta be sneaky. Can't have them catch up to us. If you're good though, all those shirts you just hate will be gone in 2 years, maybe less."


I couldn't take anymore after that. I had to hang up with her. And of course, when I got off the phone, I saw D wearing one of the shirts I hate to see him in. That shirt is my target. Lemme go see how our supply of Clorox is looking...