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Thursday, December 21, 2006
The Gift That Won't Stop Giving
On my way out of the door this morning, I almost tripped over this thing that was sitting in the doorway:

Actually I kicked it first then I saw it. I thought it was a brick because it was so hard--I think I jacked up my toe on that thing. I looked down and saw all the gummi colors and the red cellophane wrap and simply said to myself, "Fruitcake. No. I. Can't." I picked it up, looked at the tag and saw 'To: Tasha From: Mrs. Upstairs Neighbor' There was a similar looking brick o' fruitcakey goodness in front of everyone's door. I don't know if she baked all of them, or if she got them from the Christmas clearance sale at the food pawn shop. Either way, it's a nice gesture, but I don't know how to return the favor nor do I know how to get rid of this thing.

I hate fruitcake. No ifs ands or buts about it. My grandmother, God rest her soul, used to force me to eat two pieces every Christmas morning, so my hatred is real. Some people say they hate the stuff, yet have never tasted it...but me, nah son. That stuff is just not right.

I know I can't regift this brick. I can't throw it away because it's so heavy that it will tip the dumpster over, and I'm sure my neighbor would feel bad if everyone just tossed their fruitcakes in the trash and she caught one of us. I wouldn't dare give this thing to a food pantry, since I don't consider it to be food. I'm thinking I may hold on to it and in the off chance that someone tries to attack me in my home, I'll have a weapon. Or if I catch my non-existant boyfriend (oh, the story! I'll have to share one day) cheating on me with some ghetto trash, I'll have something handy to throw though his car window.

And what am I supposed to get her in return? She gifted fruitcake en masse, so should I get something equally as wrong, like The Clapper or a Chia Pet, or worse yet a humongous tin of carmel, butter, and kettle corn? The kind with the scene of the horse in snow on the side? Or should I go to Hickory Farms and get the cheese and meat log set with the inedible brown snausage that stays in the wrapper forever? Maybe I'll be classy and get her a cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory or a small Bath and Body Works basket.

Dammit Fruitcake, why must you muck things up?! I had no intention of buying her a gift, but now because of you I have to go and brave the malls again.


Blogger Gunfighter said...

"...I'll have something handy to throw though his car window."

No you didn't!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody that buys me a gift card gets a default Christmas Card and a $5 (or $10 if they are cool) gift card to somewhere. I don't like that fruitcake shit. It's the worst gift eva! Fruitcake is the DEBIL!

Blogger Golden Silence said...

Yuck. Never had it before, but I'm not a fan of dried raisin-like fruit in anything.

Blogger field negro said...

Scary as it sounds, I actully love fruit cake. It must have something to do with all that bun and cheese I ate while growing up on the rock.

Have a Happy Holiday!

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