It's been a pretty busy weekend, but I've still managed to notice people practicing life faux pas all over the place and I've decided to call them out. If one of these people is you, I'm so sorry--well actually I'm not because you should know better. If you're not one of these people, take note, because I don't want you to make the same mistakes.
1)The misplaced jogging shorts- I was driving up a busy street and saw some greasy looking man jogging--nothing abnormal about that. But I noticed he was wearing a lime green t-shirt and that's ALL! Well, that's all it looked like he had on. I stopped at the red light and he slowed down to cross the street, when the wind blew and uncovered some lime green jogging shorts that looked more like his 12-year old son's Speedos. I'm not mad at the all lime green (but please note--if you are darker than a locomotive like this man was, you have NO business wearing neon colors), I'm mad at the fact that this man had the gall to step outside of his house with a T-shirt that's longer than his shorts. And the shirt wasn't all that long, not even mid thigh. Please excuse me while I vomit. Uggg, NOT A GOOD LOOK!
2)Mammy bonnets- I was at the shoe store, and there was a woman in there wearing a head full of rollers covered up by a black satin mammy bonnet. You know, the ones with the little lacy ruffled edge around the elastic. I know a sista needs to preserve her hairstyle, but if you go out in public at least take the rollers out. I mean, for the love of Purple Rain, just wrap your hair and put a scarf on if you must. I could give a pass if this was 7-11 or something, but we were at the mall. In the Christmas crowds. I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if she'd been wearing fuzzy pink house slippers and a to' up 1988 Fresh Prince & Jazzy Jeff concert T-shirt with no bra. NOT A GOOD LOOK!
3)Pregancy pondering- At a christmas party this weekend, there were several big-bondededed girls like me and a few jumbo jet heffas (Lawd forgive me for saying that!) there. Well one of the partygoers actually had the nerve to ask one of the big girls when the baby is due and rub all on her stomach. Ok, so the girl needs to do a few crunches, but come on now! Just because someone has an obvious need for a girdle, there is no need to take it there. By the way, the girl is sooo not pregnant and the offending woman knew this, she just wanted to *ahem* gently tell the girl she needed to get on her Billy Blanks Tae-Bo grind. You just don't do that. Embarrassment is not motivation. NOT A GOOD LOOK!
4)Public pissy- At the same Christmas party, this one chick decided she was going to get loose. When I say loose, I mean LOOOOOOSE! She was tossing back Bacardi like that shit was Kool-Aid. In the span of an hour she had at least five and a shot or two. Needless to say, it caught up with her with a vengeance. She was stumbling worse than a toddler taking her first steps, all unsteady and hanging on people like a coat. I can understand wanting to let your hair down, but to let your piss down is so ungood! This broad actually pissed herself and stood there while she did it. She just stood there with her legs wide open, hiked up her skirt, and let it all out. The party host was beyond heated, and ol' girl was none the wiser. Definitely NOT A GOOD LOOK!
5)Kiddie carnival- I went to that damned Ikea matrix on Saturday to pick up a few Christmas gifts and some cute Swedish décor items for my livingroom, and I saw a woman commit the deadliest of the single black mama sins. She let her kids break shit in the showroom area and didn't do a damn thing. Sure, Ikea isn't the holy grail of sturdy furniture, but it is the mecca of do-it-yourself living spaces and some of that stuff is expensive, contrary to popular belief. These bad asses slammed and broke the glass doors to one of the Haagen-Flaagermaarten entertainment shelves and tried to steal one of the flat screen computer monitor props. All the mother kept saying was "Don't do that" and "Stop it boys". Please, if that was me and my mama, she would have taken off her boot and laid the smack down right there and Christmas would have been cancelled indefinitely. I was ready to put a serious hurtin on her kids on her behalf, but I don't need to be in prison. Orange jumpsuits and handcuffs don't go well with my complexion. Lady, get your kids together! NOT A GOOD LOOK!
Be on the lookout for volume 2 at some point in the near future. I've got my eye on you and don't mind embarassing you in cyberspace!
1)The misplaced jogging shorts- I was driving up a busy street and saw some greasy looking man jogging--nothing abnormal about that. But I noticed he was wearing a lime green t-shirt and that's ALL! Well, that's all it looked like he had on. I stopped at the red light and he slowed down to cross the street, when the wind blew and uncovered some lime green jogging shorts that looked more like his 12-year old son's Speedos. I'm not mad at the all lime green (but please note--if you are darker than a locomotive like this man was, you have NO business wearing neon colors), I'm mad at the fact that this man had the gall to step outside of his house with a T-shirt that's longer than his shorts. And the shirt wasn't all that long, not even mid thigh. Please excuse me while I vomit. Uggg, NOT A GOOD LOOK!
2)Mammy bonnets- I was at the shoe store, and there was a woman in there wearing a head full of rollers covered up by a black satin mammy bonnet. You know, the ones with the little lacy ruffled edge around the elastic. I know a sista needs to preserve her hairstyle, but if you go out in public at least take the rollers out. I mean, for the love of Purple Rain, just wrap your hair and put a scarf on if you must. I could give a pass if this was 7-11 or something, but we were at the mall. In the Christmas crowds. I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if she'd been wearing fuzzy pink house slippers and a to' up 1988 Fresh Prince & Jazzy Jeff concert T-shirt with no bra. NOT A GOOD LOOK!
3)Pregancy pondering- At a christmas party this weekend, there were several big-bondededed girls like me and a few jumbo jet heffas (Lawd forgive me for saying that!) there. Well one of the partygoers actually had the nerve to ask one of the big girls when the baby is due and rub all on her stomach. Ok, so the girl needs to do a few crunches, but come on now! Just because someone has an obvious need for a girdle, there is no need to take it there. By the way, the girl is sooo not pregnant and the offending woman knew this, she just wanted to *ahem* gently tell the girl she needed to get on her Billy Blanks Tae-Bo grind. You just don't do that. Embarrassment is not motivation. NOT A GOOD LOOK!
4)Public pissy- At the same Christmas party, this one chick decided she was going to get loose. When I say loose, I mean LOOOOOOSE! She was tossing back Bacardi like that shit was Kool-Aid. In the span of an hour she had at least five and a shot or two. Needless to say, it caught up with her with a vengeance. She was stumbling worse than a toddler taking her first steps, all unsteady and hanging on people like a coat. I can understand wanting to let your hair down, but to let your piss down is so ungood! This broad actually pissed herself and stood there while she did it. She just stood there with her legs wide open, hiked up her skirt, and let it all out. The party host was beyond heated, and ol' girl was none the wiser. Definitely NOT A GOOD LOOK!
5)Kiddie carnival- I went to that damned Ikea matrix on Saturday to pick up a few Christmas gifts and some cute Swedish décor items for my livingroom, and I saw a woman commit the deadliest of the single black mama sins. She let her kids break shit in the showroom area and didn't do a damn thing. Sure, Ikea isn't the holy grail of sturdy furniture, but it is the mecca of do-it-yourself living spaces and some of that stuff is expensive, contrary to popular belief. These bad asses slammed and broke the glass doors to one of the Haagen-Flaagermaarten entertainment shelves and tried to steal one of the flat screen computer monitor props. All the mother kept saying was "Don't do that" and "Stop it boys". Please, if that was me and my mama, she would have taken off her boot and laid the smack down right there and Christmas would have been cancelled indefinitely. I was ready to put a serious hurtin on her kids on her behalf, but I don't need to be in prison. Orange jumpsuits and handcuffs don't go well with my complexion. Lady, get your kids together! NOT A GOOD LOOK!
Be on the lookout for volume 2 at some point in the near future. I've got my eye on you and don't mind embarassing you in cyberspace!
4 Comments:
Hey, oldmanneil put me on to your blog awhile ago. Sorry it took me a while to comment, but my friend and I were reading one of your stories and cracking up the other night. Thanks for the link, by the way. I've never seen someone literally get pissy drunk. You shoulda took pictures so she could see them when she sobered up!.
Ikea is the devil.
She pissed on herself, right there in the middle of the party?
Goog God... what happened next?
Oh, which IKEA did you go to?
Man, some people have no shame. Leaving the house in rollers?! Tacky!
Oh my lawd! Homegyrl need to put in her two weeks notice ASAP!
We are having our office party this Wednesday and I know somebody is gonna get to bent. All my co-workers have been talking about it like it's the damn Carribbean Fest, or some shit.
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