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Thursday, November 09, 2006
You Need Myspace Rehab

Look, I know it seems like 99% of the Generation-X and younger crowd has a Myspace/Facebook/whatever profile. That's all well and good. I have one too, and I'm not ashamed. However, some of the stuff I'm seeing on there has got to stop. I'm staging an intervention for all of you "Myspace Sketchies", since some of you really need rehab. I'm going to need you to try to live by the following rules:

1) If you know you look like a hybrid between an ogre and a troll, please do NOT include Diva, Foxxy, Sexxxy, or Hotttt in your profile name. It's fine to have a good dose of self-esteem, but self-esteem requires you to be honest with yourself. And honestly, you look like Shrek. You are not foxxy, nor are you sexxxy.

2) If you have never, never, never a day in your life been to the hood or the ghetto, do NOT include Gangsta, Thug, or Hardcore in your profile name. We can see that your hometown is WhiteBread Estates, Vermont. You're not fooling anyone. And please, get rid of the ghetto bird shout outs on your page, I know you don't know who TyKreesha is.

3) If you have an ongoing beef with someone, please deal with that beef directly with said individual. If you don't feel comfortable dealing with that person, then blog about your feelings or something. Go play Madden, go to the club, do something to get your mind off of it. But please do NOT change your profile name to something like "I hate Punk Azz WannaBe's. You Can't Handle Me", and have your friends wondering why you're hurling unintelligible insults to people. Pulling a move like that shows us that you're the punk ass who's too scared to threaten people in person. Threats were made for the streets.

4) If you're going to send me a message or a comment, please pay attention to your grammar. I know that it's the 'Space, so grammar isn't all that important. But please STOP typing like you're texting me. It takes just as much time to type 'was' as it does 'wuz'. It also takes the same amount of time to type 'what' as it does 'whut'. Some slang doesn't translate well to Myspace either, like "check this" "peep this". I can't see you, so I can't peep a damn thing but what's on my screen. When you type like that, the words are supposed to be abbreviations of what you'd originally be typing. Maybe I'm getting old, but that crap is really hard to read unless it's on my cellphone where space really is an issue. It's kewl u can type lyk ur txtng me. Gr8! But I h8 reading lyk this.

5) I know you really like posting "survey" bulletins and reading the responses, but PLEASE STOP. I'm very sorry that I haven't responded, but they take too long, and also my job doesn't allow me to access Myspace from my office computer. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is fill out 5 different 40-question long surveys and find clever, witty answers for all of them. I'd rather read my messages, send comments to a few friends, and log off. You already know the answers to most of these questions anyway (i.e.: have you ever been in love?, do you shower everyday?, can you sing?) , so why wait for some hilarious new sarcastic or clever answer?

6) If you are under 14, step quickly and quietly away from Myspace. You're setting yourself up to be on the next "Dateline: To Catch a (Sexual) Predator" episode. He's 40, you're 14...things aren't going to be good for you in that situation. I'm worried about your well being. Also, when you are that age, you say and do some of the dumbest stuff you will ever do. Trust me, I'm not all that far removed from my teenage years and I realize that I did some stuff that makes me question if I was clinically insane. All of my friends feel the same way. You'll develop the same feeling in about 3-5 years. And you really don't want an electronic record of the debauchery that you will participate in during these years of your life. Even if you delete your Myspace, there will be record of it somewhere on this cyber-earth, and it will come.back.to.haunt.you.

7) Men, please STOP with the sketchy playa tactics. The same rules apply for attempting to holla at a female online as they do in person. Sending me a message that says "hey baby you lookin fine, when am I gonna be able to get dat? I hope you look just as fine in person" equates to instant game over for you. Just because I can't actually see your face to cuss you out doesn't mean that you can suddenly get bold and start coming out of pocket with some freak-nasty flirting. And I don't know if that's really you in your profile picture, so don't expect a female to be automatically swooning over whatever flirt message you send.

8) Ladies, if you are over the age of 22, do NOT use that picture of you at the club with your daisy dukes and gladiator sandals on as your profile picture. You know better than this. You're old enough to know that having a picture like that invites the sketchy comments and messges mentioned above. So if you have a picture like that up, and you don't like the caliber of messages you've been getting, it may be time for a change. Also, there is no need for you to be that old wearing gladiator sandals to the club. A face pic or a nice candid shot of you and your friends does the trick. Please, we want to see grown and sophisticated, not ashy and trashy.

9) Look, just because you're not in my Top 8, Top 12, Top 17--however many top friends you're allowed to have doesn't mean that I'm mad at you or that I don't like you. See, the people in the top list are my best friends (like we've been cool since we were in utero) and the friends I'm closest to and get to see most often. It is not a slight against you at all. We're still cool, really. Get over yourself. I really don't think about it that hard, and neither should you. If you get all in your feelings because you got shifted down or off of the top 8, then you might want to consider therapy. (caveat, if you're dating someone exclusively, and they kick you off their top list, you might want to get on them about that--just a piece of advice)

10) If you're grown and are going to send a comment or message, take a look at the glittery, drippy "sending luv" picture that you're about to send. There is nothing glittery about you. Glitter is best saved for your children's summer camp or the people that make disco balls for nightclubs. The glittery Tweety Bird telling me to have a Happy Thursday just doesn't have the same effect coming from a 44-year old as it may coming from a 16-year old. Some things you're just too grown to do.

The first person to show me that they can follow all these rules gets to be on my Top 99. *Pinky Swear*



Blogger Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Great post! I was in Arizona on Tuesday covering the election and stopped in to a couple of libaries to use their computers to send my reports and noticed EVERY SINGLE TEENAGER there was on the 'Space (totally stealing that, btw). It was comical, if not scary.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read an article that the gen myspace users of post adult (21+) has now exceeded the demographics of 'kids.' Consider it 'not cool' to be on there now if you happen to be a pre teen, ADD infused kiddo. Ah well. So much for corporate ads eh?

Blogger Tasha said...

I saw that about us old people taking over the 'Space. I hope the kids don't start finding more "grown up" ways to express themselves.

Blogger Tasha said...

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