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Thursday, November 09, 2006
Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting
I made a new year's resolution to diversify my workouts, and while I know it's late, I wanted to make good on the promise I'd made to myself. So this morning, I decided to go to a kickboxing class at my gym. Now, I've done Tae-Bo many many times, so I was expecting to do some fake roundhouse kicks and a few cheesy dance steps to techno music and be out.

The instructor was NOT having any of that. She insisted that we remove our shoes and put on protective sparring gear. I was still thinking to myself that all of this had to be for effect, after all, who would I be beating up besides my reflection in the mirror? And if my reflection comes out of the mirror and bitch-slaps me, then I will promptly exit stage left because there is some type of poltergeist in the room. (I saw that movie yall, and I can't be messing around with that kind of stuff)

Our warm up consisted of stretching and learning how to uppercut, roundhouse, jab, hook, cross, shuffle, Kao noi, and push kick. We in the class didn't really pay too much attention to it, but I did have one older woman look at me and say, "this is some bull...". Then we hear, "SPLIT UP AND MOVE TO OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM. NOW!!!!" So while we're getting to either side of the room, I let the ghetto girl out of me and my neck started going and I mumbled some type of "no she didn't just speak to us like that" under my breath. Oh no, why do I have to have such a loud 'under my breath' voice?

"You. Center ring, GO." I pointed to myself and she nodded. So I go to the middle of the room (or ring, whatever you want to call it at this point) and she followed me. I gave a worried look of "if this mannish beast jacks me up too badly, someone please be nice and call 911 for me" to the other class participants and got understanding nods from them in return.

Instructor: "We're going to be sparring this morning, practicing what we've learned, so let me demonstrate with Mizz whatsurname?"
Me: "Tasha. But wait, the class description mentioned nothing about physical contact. Cardio Kickbox is what this is supposed to be"
Instructor: "I changed it. I run the class so I have liberty to change it. I've got the proper safety equipment, and we're only sparring so the chance of getting hurt is the same as if you'd be doing dance-Kickbox" *BOOM, this hulking mass of not-so-feminine looking muscle kicked me dead in my stomach* "See how I caught her off guard? In kickboxing, that's the key to winning a match"
Me: "That was uncalled for, I don't care if that is how you win a match. I didn't know I was in a match. I thought I was sparring--you know light taps?" *BOOM, she punched me in the side of my ribcage this time* "Don't do that again"
Instructor: "I'm just showing what sparring looks like, you can handle it" *SWEEP, kick to the back of the knees that sent me to the ground*
Me: *I got back up* "That's not sparring, you're trying to find a way to make this personal. I don't know what you have against me, but drop it so we can get on with this class. It's early and I have things to do" *here come her foul feet again. SMACK, kick to the stomach*

At this point I'd had enough. I've watched Jean Claude VanDamme mess enough people up to know that kickboxing doesn't look like that. So, taking the little real knowledge I have of the sport, I roundhouse kicked and my foot hit the side of her head (protected by a sparring helmet). She fell to the ground and started crying. Boo hoo biotch, Boo friggin hoo.

I took off my sparring gear, put my sneakers back on and went back out to the main gym. Treadmills never looked so friendly. After that experience, who really needs to diversify their workouts anyway? All that's over rated. I guess I'll just stick to tap dancing and Tae-Bo. Hmm, but Afro-Cuban funk pilates sounds like fun. That class starts next Monday and it's early enough so I can get to work on time. Count me in...


1 Comments:

Blogger Golden Silence said...

That's ridiculous. I thought cardio kickboxing was simply an exercise workout...not full-on sparring. And people who have little martial arts experience (and who are there for exercise more than anything) are far from prepared to spar. That instructor sounds like she was on a power trip.

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