Requiem of a Cellphone

My baby is gone. GOOOOONE! Not even quite a year old, my favorite Christmas present from last year has died. I may as well call the funeral home to arrange a proper homegoing ceremony.

Digression—You ever notice how we black folk tend to act a gotdamned fool at funerals? Always talking about some, “Pookie, take me with you!!” type of mess. I mean, I’ve seen some odd crap go down at funerals that had me crying laughing and at the same time fearing for my life. At my uncle’s funeral, I saw my aunt actually try to climb in the effin casket with the man and when the pall bearers pulled her away she started ripping up the flowers and screaming “Negro, you ain’t dead, stop playing with me!!!”. I was about ready to start running for Jesus and out of the funeral home.

Anyway, she died such a tragic death, ohmygoodness I could cry. I went out bowling with a few friends on Saturday, and left the phone in my bag. Somehow the bag fell on the floor and no one noticed. My friend was coming from selecting a bowling ball and managed to drop the phone squarely on my purse. Just as gravity was having its time with the ball, I noticed the bag on the ground and tried to move it in time. I literally had a Matrix moment, leaning to either catch the ball or move the bag. Neither happened.

CRASH, THUD, roll. The damn ball landed and I heard something smash and crack and I just knew it was over for my poor phone, then the friggin ball had the nerve to roll all innocently to the side like a guilty kid who knew he’d done something wrong. I picked my bag up and tried to fish out my phone, but I pulled out four separate pieces. I sat staring at the pieces in my hand for a good five minutes before I snapped out of it and went back to enjoying my night. Apologies flowed, but I was still hurt. He gave me the money then and there to purchase a new phone, so I didn’t feel quite as bad. I managed to salvage the SIM card, so I didn’t lose all of the numbers and email addresses thank goodness.

I got a new phone yesterday, and it’s all well and good in my world again. Allow me to bow my head a moment and say Rest In Electronic Peace old phone, you went out a soldier.