The Name Game gone BAD

I work in an industry that forces me to look at the profiles and demographic information of people across the country day in and day out. So of course, I run across all kinds of names. Normally, I'm not really bothered by the more creative sounding names or the so-called ghetto black names. To each their own. But today, I'm in shock and horror over the names I'm seeing. Parents, I beg you, pleeeeeeease at the very least check a dictionary before bestowing a name upon your child. Your darling offspring will have to live with that name for the rest of his or ner natural life or at least until the legal age to change a given name.

I know most of us have heard the jokes. But this is seriously turning into an epidemic.

"Gonorrhea" "Syphillis" "Oncology" "Chlamydia" "Amoeba" "Dysentary" "Escherichia" "Clostridium" "Angina" "Carotid" "Parotid"

Yes, those are all names of medical terms and diseases, and they're also the names of real children. I've spoken to each of their parents. Carotid and Parotid are twins, and when I asked the mother where she got the name from, she told me that she'd heard the doctor say those names and she thought they were cute. She really had no idea that carotid and parotid are actualy arteries in the body, and when I mentioned it, she was like "Ohmygoodness, I'm kind of embarassed now". I didn't mean to embarass her, really I didn't, I promise. When I call the parents of children with odd names such as those above, I usually end up getting schooled on how to pronounce the name properly. Like when I called little Angina's mom, I was quickly informed that her name is pronounced "Ehn-Gee-nya" like it's supposed to be French or something.

I'm all for being creative, even with pronunciations, but people need to understand that when the spelling doesn't remotely match the sound of the name or when the spelling of the name equals something that's best left in an anatomy book or a grocery store shelf, their kids may suffer for it. I could write a book about all of the Alize's, Sha'Quinessence's, Boone Farm's (YES!! It's a real person, DO NOT ASK!!), Pretzel's, Chrysler's, Bentley's, etc. that I've had to deal with, but that might just encourage people to give their children horrendous names.

My plea to parents-to-be:

I'm excited about your impending parenthood. I think. Well anyway, please make sure you take the task of naming your baby seriously. I know we have lots of ideas for cute names that will serve the babies well into their toddler years. But your children will grow up. Trust me when I say this. It's hard for people to take a 48-year old named Precious Cuddles Monée Johnson seriously. Also, I want to save your child the embarassment of finding out that they were named after an alcoholic drink or a medical anomaly. I'd hate to see your daughter in Microbiology class studying bacteria, and she discovers that "Eukaryote Escherichia Coli" is not African or French, but rather something that grows in a petrie dish, studied under a microscope, and can kill people (E. Coli). Or I'd really hate to see your son in the doctor's office when they tell him he's tested positive for Staphylococcus and he finally figures out where you got his name from.

And parents, please for the love, don't name your new child after the vehicle he or she was conceived in. Something's just really fishy about a daughter named Chrysler or RangéRover (pronounced Rahn-jay Roh-veir ---I kid you not!). I'm not sure if you realize how difficult it is for people like me that have to work with your children's files to make sense of what we look at. I'm in no way saying that you should name your child something bland for the sake of making his/her life easier or to avoid undue embarassment. However, by naming your child something truly beautiful and unique, or even simple and sensible, you are showing us that you have faith in your child that s/he doesn't require a NAME to make a good impression on the world and you are showing us just how creative you really are.

I ask this humbly, as I don't have any children of my own. However, if I see another Mononuclei--age 4, I may just be ready to pull my hair out. Please, it's a simple guideline to follow: If you don't know what it means, DO NOT use it as your child's name. If you heard it in a medical office, chances are you don't want to be naming your baby that. If you saw it in your little brother's Biology textbook--just say NO! If you can drink it, drive it, eat it, or wear it--please stop and think before you put it on your baby's birth certificate.

*Sigh* The defense rests.