La Bella Noire's Ramblings

I moved!!

2008-01-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

I got fed up with all the problems that Blo.gg.er has been giving me, so I've decided to finally get it together and move to another program.

You can find me now at:
http://labellanoire.wordpress.com

Update your blogrolls, mmk. See you over there!

I Can Feel it In the Air

2008-01-02T11:35:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year Yall. Just clearing some mental space...

I'm not usually a big fan of New Year's. All this 'New Year New You' stuff all over the place, making resolutions you know you won't keep. I've always been of the mind that there's no better time than the present to do better and be better. I can see how some people want to wait for the new year to transition away from old things...more of a mental motivation. I get it, just not for me.

But this year, something is different for me. I can feel change coming in the air. Something is brewing in my world, and I know somethings, some relationships, some of everything in my life will be coming to a crossroads soon. And for that reason, I'm putting in the extra work to make me a better me. There was a lot of old baggage that I've carried around for most of my life (a lot of it I didn't even recognize as baggage anymore, I just counted it as part of me) that I let go of in the last 12-18 months, and that's made some people uncomfortable. They knew me as the one to grouse with; the company that misery loves so much; the one who has such a fucked up life story that they listen to my story when they want to feel better about their own sorrows. They knew me as the one who they've hurt, the one who they've made feel lower than dirt. But I've forgiven and let it go. I've risen up, shaken it off, and seen myself without emotional baggage for the first time since March 1983. That makes them uncomfortable.

They're uncomfortable because they know that forgiveness means that they're the ones with the problem now. They have to live every day with the memory of what they put me through. Remorse turns into resentment, which will in turn become anger. I've seen it happen that way many times, so I know with me it will be no different. That's why I know it's time to make some changes for this new year. Be better, do better, know better. This way, my old baggage won't become the molehill that would become the mountain.

This year I'm working on me, not just for me but for the people who've helped me to find the strength to drop the emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage and just live. I owe it to them to be the best daughter, sister, friend, and wife I can be.

Did any of you make resolutions or vows to make yourself better this year? Get at me in the comment box.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T10:41:00.000-05:00

Happy 2008!! It's a brand new year and I've got a whole lot of stuff to talk about. Last night was too much fun, and it was spent with the people I love (and I'm paying for it today, lol). Hope you all brought in the year happily. I'll be up and posting tomorrow. Enjoy the holiday yall!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T09:26:00.000-05:00

Christmas is a special time of year to remember those who are close to
our hearts!
May your days be bright, and your heart be light!
May this glorious day of our Savior's birth
resound with hope and peace on earth!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Lots of Love,
Tasha and D

**Back to regular posting after New Year's**

What in all the hell...

2007-12-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

is wrong with the Spears family? I just read that Bri.tney's 16-year old sister Jam.ie Ly.n.n who stars in her own show on Nicke.lode.on is pregnant by her 19-year old long-term and live-in boyfriend (read here).

Ok, now I got into some shit when I was that age, but at least I had a mother who cared enough to make sure that the shit I got into wasn't completely life-changing to that degree. What kind of parent allows their minor child to have a live-in boyfriend?? And the boyfriend is of majority age (over 18)?! What in the name of everything good?

And they met in church they say; I guess they don't believe in birth control for religious reasons. But this is where my confusion about this subject sets in. It's not okay to use birth control, but it's okay for a man of majority age to impregnate a young woman out of wedlock? There's no fire and brimstone 'you're going to hell in a handbasket' sermon for that? I need help understanding.

Stuff like this is exactly why I'm not surprised that I have a girlfriend who is a 29-year old grandmother of a 2-year old and a 6-month old. Trust, I'm not the morality police (Y'all know I've been through some shit in my life), but at some point you really have to ask what's happening in our society where this is alright, accepted, and seen as no big deal.

*sigh*This is why birth control is A-ok in my book. People need to stop hiding the truth from their kids. You have to be prepared to talk about sex and arm them for life in the real world. All actions have consequences, and kids need to learn that. Thanks mom for having that talk with me at a fairly young age and being real with me and not sugar coating anything. Thanks even more for brining me to work and allowing me to watch a live birth at age 10. You got your point across.

Friday Flashback

2007-12-14T07:41:00.000-05:00

This week it's Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" cuz you know we can all use it sometimes, lol.

Happy Friday!

TV Talk Thursday

2007-12-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

So I watched that mess of a show "Crowned" that came on after the finale of Top Model last night (yay Saleisha, btw) and tragically I liked it. I guess watching mothers and daughters make fools out of themselves for the sake of being on TV makes me thank the heavens that there's some pride left in my family. Almost trailer trashy good. It will do as a replacement for ANTM I guess.

And then I almost burned my retinas out watching Snoop Dogg's Father Hood show. I don't know if this is supposed to be a bootleg Run's House, but it was a funky fried hot mess. First of all, I thought Snoop had a bigger house than that, but seeing him and his wife interact was painful. The show seemed to be scripted, and they weren't doing a good job at keeping up with the script. Boring, big yawn. The funniest part of the show was Snoop running out of the blind accupuncturist's office screaming, "Chuuch on the Move". Might catch the marathon when it comes on, but I can't make that a part of my regular TV watching.

I'm looking forward to watching "The Choir" that starts on the 17th. I guess Patti LaBelle and some other singers put togehter choirs that are going to compete against each other. Should make for good TV, if not good singing--I hope.

What have yall been watching? I'm looking for some good shows that maybe I haven't had the chance to watch yet.

Come get yo' kids

2007-12-11T00:15:00.000-05:00

It's Christmastime. I'm well aware of it, but all the kids in our families won't let me forget. With me having 70+ nieces and nephews--I stopped counting at 72 (that does include the step fam) and with D having 7 of his own, we have frequent reminders that it's time to buy gifts. About 25 of them are under the age of 18, so we get emails and phonecalls all the time that go something like this:

"Uncle D! Aunt Tasha! I've been good all year. You know it's Christmas riiiiight? I'm really good at playing the bowling game on my friend's Wii. It would be nice to not have to play the game at their house. I could share it with my sisters/brothers/parents"

I don't know when it became okay to solicit gifts like that, and I've attempted to put the kids (AND their parents) in check, but since we're family we get it the worst.

But outside the family, ~~kids~~ everyone is getting bold. Maybe it's that time of year or maybe people just need more home training. Here are some conversations I've had lately:

Conversation with my Jewish friend's 11 year old daughter while at their house for dinner
Her: So what are you going to get me for Christmas?
Me: Don't you celebrate Hanukkah?
Her: I'm an equal opportunity gift receiver. My mom taught me that.
Me: Do your mom and dad celebrate Christmas?
Her: Sure do. We're Jewish, but we have a Christmas tree. We don't do that birth of Jesus stuff. We just give gifts
Her mom: *looking horrified* TV. The kids see the stuff on TV so we don't want them to feel left out *chuckles*

Conversation with my 7 year old niece and her friend when they came to visit
Me: Are you ready for Santa
Niece's Friend: Ms. Tasha, you are not keeping it real. There is no Santa.
Me: Oh really. What do you know about keeping things real
Niece: Yeah, I know it's fake. I watch the news.
Me: I still believe in Santa, because he lives in everyone
Niece: So we're Santa's representatives?
Me: Something like that.
Niece's Friend: You're really smart Ms. Tasha. Wow. She's Santa's rep-uh-sentive. You know what I'm gettin' this year?

Conversation with a grown ass man (one of my uncle's friends) just before Thanksgiving
Man: *with that 'game' look in his eyes* What do you want for Christmas?
Me: A can of mace
Man: Damn it's like that huh?

Like my mother would say: "Come get yo' chirrens!"

Monday Mashup

2007-12-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

This weekend was one of the more uneventful weekends of my life. Due to my tooth situation (which has been taken care of) I was laid out. A new filling and some "good" painkillers made my day. Thanks Gunfighter!! I owe you big time! I left the house twice this weekend--to run to the store and to run to Su.bwa.y. It was rainy and cold, and none of the girls wanted to go out, and D had to work. So I spent time with the couch, with my blankies, and with my eyes closed catching some zzz's. Loves it.

Today I have a phone interview at 10:30AM. Hey, I may as well make use of this time off and find a new job. Really hoping this comes through so I don't have to go back, lol. But I'm kinda mad that the lady doing the interview said that they'd call me at 10:30 but I need to be available for an hour after that time in case they call me late. Wow. Isn't it rude to be late for a meeting that you scheduled? But that's a state gov't employer for you. This is a position I've been eyeing for about a year, so hopefully it will come through. Throw some prayers up for me!

How was your weekend? Get at me in the comment box

Help a sista out

2007-12-07T01:38:00.000-05:00

It's 1:40AM and I'm looking for either a dentist or a pair of pliers. Right now, I'd kinda prefer the pliers. Just take matters into my own hands and get things done quick fast and in a hurry. My neighbor made us some peanut butter and toffee cookies and brought them over last night. Wonderful! Ahh yes, we love our neighbors.

But apparently my teeth don't like my neighbors. I think Mrs. Neighbor put a little too much toffee or molasses or whatever sticky stuff goes in those things cuz a filling in my back tooth got caught up in the cookie and came.completely.out. I spat out an entire filling. Granted it's like 5 years old, but I thought fillings are supposed to last a lifetime.

Now I'm in pain. I can't describe it but to say I feel like my molars got hit by a train. I only had three fillings in my mouth, but I guess I can now bring that number to 2. Except for me being in pain at such a stupid hour of the morning, it normally wouldn't be a big deal--just go to the dentist ASAP and get it taken care of right? Well, MY DENTIST'S OFFICE IS CLOSED FOR VACATION AND WON'T BE BACK FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

This is where I need the help of my DC or Bmore people. I'm so desperate I'd drive to Philly to get this mess taken care of. I hurt so bad there are no tears. Can any of you recommend an emergency dentist? I called one, but they're on call so I'm waiting for a call back. I can't go a whole weekend like this.

Email me or leave your suggestion in the comment box. Thanks in advance.

I Know What You Did

2007-12-05T02:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Waiting Room Lady,

Going to the doctor can be stressful I know. Really, I understand. I've seen more labcoats and stethescopes in the last three months than I have since birth. And I understand everybody reacts to stress in different ways, but I'm at a loss when it comes to your situation.

The small talk was fine. Yeah, I know snow is in the forecast and we have differing opinions on the white flaky stuff. I love it, you hate it. I can drive in it, you can't. It's alright though, cuz we share a common ground in our appreciation for the Jackson 5 Christmas music that was playing in the office. Jokes about what Mike's done to himself. Cute.

But then you started up, and things got awkward. You untied your shoes and proceeded to remove your red socks, which just happened to be full of lint pillballs. Yeah, you were that close to me. I could see that ish. Then you took a tissue out of your little kitty cat kleenex holder and wiped the sweat off of your feet. I threw up in my mouth just a little, and you looked at the receptionist (who was looking at you like you stole something) and looked back at me then whimpered and said, "My feet get so sweaty when I'm stressing and nervous. Important doctor visit you know". You then pulled a Mr. Rogers move and calmly put your sweat-laced socks back on and tied your shoes back up. Jesus, take the wheel.

From one woman to another, and because I know the receptionist wanted to say something to you but didn't have the heart, let me advise you that this is not normal waiting room protocol. I can understand fidgeting because you're nervous, or maybe even passing gas because your stomach is unsettled from the nerves. But full out shoe removal is wrong. If you're going to do something like that, at least change your socks or put some powder in your shoes, woman. I'd understand if it was summertime and you were wearing flip flops and just took your foot out of the shoe. Hell, I do it all the time. But no. It's cold, it's December, it was 8AM, and you were wearing hiking SHOES (wtf, I've never seen hiking shoes before, but this isn't about me). That's not acceptable. You are a nasty ass. Oh, and your feet smell like goat cheese. You need to work on that.

Thanks for ruining my morning!
Love,
Tasha

Three Hunned

2007-12-04T07:51:00.000-05:00

Wow, this is my 300th post! I can't believe that milestone came so quick. *wipes tear* And I'd like to thank the Academy...

Moving on, this leave of absence has given me the chance to do stuff and go places during the weekday that I usually wouldn't get to otherwise and I keep running into situations where I'm asking "where is your mother?".

Like one day last week, I went to Dun.k.in Don.uts at like 11:30 in the morning to get some yummy high-calorie coffee goodness and there was a kid probably about 8 years old standing at the counter in front of me.

Employee: "How can I help you young man?"
Kid: "I want coffee. With creams and sugars and equals and milk"
Employee: "All of that in one coffee? What size"
Kid: "Coffee is liquid. It doesn't come in a special size"
Employee: "Well what size cup do you want me to put the coffee in?"
Kid: "Well it's for my mom and my mom's pretty fat so I'd say the biggest Extra Large you have"
Me: "Where's your mom?"
Kid: "In the car"
Employee: "You might want to go get her so we can make sure we get her order right"
Kid: "FINE!! But I'm gonna tell her that you're mean"

Umm, really now. Parental guidance is mandatory, not suggested. I know you want Timmy to learn how to function in a grown up world and learn how to order for himself, but you need to be there to help him along the way. Watching from the soccermom van is not the same.

And last Friday I was on my way to get an oil change and had pulled up to the stoplight leading out of my complex. I saw three boys and two girls who couldn't have been older than 7th or 8th grade walking on the sidewalk next to me. Mind you it was 1:30 PM, not a book or bookbag in sight. One of the little dudes pulled a black n' mild from behind his ear, lit it up and took a puff, then passed it to one of the girls. My light turned green, but I was ready to scream out of the window, "Shouldn't you be in school? Where is your mama?!"

People, why are your kids running amok? I guess I shouldn't be surprised at seeing stuff like this cuz we all know 8 year olds and 7th graders act more grown than real grown people, but damn is it so hard to get them to stay in the classroom for a little while?

Have any of you had to ask "where is yo' mama?!"?? Get at me in the comments

Yeah yeah

2007-12-03T00:06:00.000-05:00

I figured it was about time I got back to blogger, I kinda missed yall maybe just a little.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Turkey Day. I know I'm all late since it's December now and all. Speaking of it being December, where the hell did the year go? I'm mad that I've been seeing commercials for "Best of 2007" specials and what not.

My Thanksgiving was good I guess. I had a sinus infection paired with an ear infection and a touch of bronchitis, so I was all stuffy and couldn't taste a damn thing. I didn't really have an appetite either cuz I was sneezing and huffin and puffin everydamnwhere. I hear the food was bangin though. Me and D spent the day with his family, and while I was sad that I couldn't go home to see my parents, it was still cool. His family just accepts me like one of their own, and I never feel like an outsider so it was actually really nice. My only problem with the day was all the old people giving me their remedies for getting over the flu (they swore up and down that I had the flu even though I'd gone to the dr. the day before and was armed with 900 prescriptions). Those remedies were some real random ish too:

-Soak a brown paper bag in white vinegar, then put the bag on your forehead to draw out the fever. Ummm...the fugg is that really gonna do but make my head smell like a pot of old chittlins?

-Drink a mix of shaved ginger and lemon rind steeped in hot water with honey (not sugar). Ummm....why not just drink some lemon-herb tea?

-Put V.ick's on the bottom of my feet, then put a pair of wool socks on and go to bed and wrap up tight. Ummm...the directions say to put the stuff on your chest. Feet don't get congested.

-Drink a "white lightning" toddy. Ummmm....white lightning is moonshine. I don't have a distillery in my backyard. I'll add a lil blackberry brandy to my tea if I'm gonna be all alcoholic about this thankyouverymuch.

So I stuck with what the doctor gave me, and I'm feeling fine now except for a few sniffles. Great. The weekend before Thanksgiving, I took D up to NYC to see some fam and we played tourist and trolled around Times Square and Rockefeller Center. I thought D had been to Manhattan before, but he hadn't...only to the Bronx. So he had a good time, and I think I was a pretty damn good tour guide. He loves the city just as much as I do, and we tossed around the idea of taking up my great aunt's offer of taking over her brownstone and continuing to rent out a portion of the house and using the other portion as a weekend/getaway spot. She's getting older, and wants to move upstate closer to my mom in about 5 years, so we might be able to do that but we'll see. It's nice to dream though, right?

The day after Thanksgiving, I made the decision to take a leave of absence from work. I get the latest pathology report tomorrow and I'm not really concerned because I know the result can't be too far off from the first reports. I know my prognosis is still great. But I wanted to take some time to get me together physically, mentally, spiritually and all that, and also to get things situated with the wedding planning and house buying. D's been encouraging me to take about a month or so off, but I wasn't listening until my body basically shut down from being sick and stressed out. I'm glad I finally listened, and I must say it's been a welcome change. I'll be going back to work mid-January. I'm so surprised that I was able to get such an immediate approval, but I'm not complaining.

So that's the short version of what's been going on in my world. I've got so much blog reading to catch up on to see what everyone else has been getting into, so don't be surprised if you get some random-azz late comments on some of your posts.

Life Caught Up

2007-11-20T07:38:00.000-05:00

I'm stepping away from blogging until Monday cuz life finally caught up with me. I'm sick as a dog...home for the second day in a row (even though I have like zero sick time). Thanksgiving is this week, and because of my job not giving us Friday off (and not letting anyone have it off, period) I can't go home. I'll be spending the holiday with D's family, which is great, but I've never not been home for this holiday. Same will happen for Christmas. Oh, and I have to go talk to another pathologist about this cancer mess cuz something apparently doesn't look right.

I'm going through some thangs yall, pray for me. I'll be back on Monday.

Have a blessed and happy Turkey Day!

Wednesday Randoms

2007-11-14T06:24:00.000-05:00

-It's 6:26 AM right now, and I don't have to be up for another 30 minutes but I'm up, so I figured I'd blog now cuz the plantation's been monitoring everyone's web activity.

-I'm happy to be going to see the fam in BK this weekend. Me and D will finally get to see my new niece!

-I'm mad that some lil kid overheard my conversation and that I have cancer and asked all loud why I still have hair. His mother didn't see anything wrong with the line of questioning and actually wanted the answer. I didn't have it in me to argue right then so I just walked away. Have some decorum people.

-It's eating me up inside that it's getting harder to talk to my mother about anything. Last night I told her that I got a call from my father and she just changed the subject. Me: "Pop called me last night" Her: "I went to yoga today." Me: "Pop called me last night" Her: "I said went to yoga today". Me: "I have to go"

-It's that time of year when old friends find each other. In the last week, I've gotten 4 or 5 emails/calls/facebook requests from people I haven't seen in years and I've been looking for.

-Sometimes even when I have a lot of people around me, I still feel alone. Like no one really wants to hear what I have to say, or no one is patient enough to listen. So I say nothing, and sometimes being made to say nothing hurts worse than any verbal insult.

-Is it bad that because of work I can't go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving and I'm not particularly sad? See above about not talking to my mom. It's not home when I can't talk to my best friend.

-I have recruiters chasing me right now for some important positions. I haven't been at the new place quite a year yet, but this is probably going to be the best career move for me. I'mma schedule some meetings to see what we can make of this.

-Why is it that my car becomes due for an oil change a week and a half after the coupon for a free oil change from the dealership expires? I guess I could have jumped on it sooner though, lol.

-I need it to stay consistently chilly in the urrea, cuz I have some fabulous new fall outfits to wear, and I don't feel right wearing them when it's 60 degrees during the day.

That's all I got right now

Monday Monday

2007-11-12T09:34:00.000-05:00

Back on the plantation again. Hope yall had a good weekend. Friday was D's birthday, and we had a great time. Let me sum up my night for you:

Instead of "Duck, Duck, Goose" it was more like "Drink, Drink, Drunk". Yeah. That's all I can say about that. And I'm mad at D for being in my face taking pictures when I was umm...not at my best, lol.

The rest of the weekend was all about the couch. I went out with L on Saturday night, but we were cold and didn't feel like standing outside trying to get in someone's club, so we went to Maggie Moo's and got some ice cream then went home. I know that sounds backwards getting ice cream when you're cold, but it really hit the spot. Sunday = football. Watched my Giants turn in a less than stellar performance and then I fell asleep on the couch. Me and the couch have been getting in some quality time as of late cuz when the weather gets cold, I turn in to a serious homebody.

Anyway, I hope yall had a good weekend. What'd you get into? Get at me in the comments. Happy Monday.

Happy Birthday to Ya!!

2007-11-09T09:13:00.000-05:00

Today is D's birthday, so it's a party all day. I can hear Eddie Murphy singing now, "My girl wants to party alll the tiiiiiiimmmee...." (If you don't know that song, be thankful)*shaking head*. Anyway, we're going out with a bunch of our friends for dinner and drinks later on. He's usually pretty mellow--even about birthdays, but he's all hyped about going out tonight. A few of the people we're going out with are all hyped and acting funny about tonight too...so I know something is up. We'll see though. I got my digital camera back, so I'll have photographic evidence to use in case I need to blackmail someone later, lol.

The rest of the weekend I'll be out and about with my girl L, and then doing more wedding stuff. Sunday though, will be a study in bumology--me, the couch, football, and a beer or two. Just the way it's supposed to be, lol. Just for the weekend, I hope to forget about cancer and ovaries and pain.

Anyway, it's Friday. It's Payday. It's a great day. Hope yall have a good weekend. Stay blessed and fab.

Only Me

2007-11-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

I swear some things can only happen to me. That's why I love my life so much. Just about everywhere I go is guaranteed embarassment, comedy, or an unfortunate mix of both.

Yesterday, I went to get my spa on to get my mind off of my health debacle. Had a big steamy mug of green tea at home, then off I went. It was my kind of beautiful day--chilly with the sun shining, everything and everyone looking happy. Just lovely. Got to the dayspa just fine, got my robe and got ready for another cup of tea. Umm, forgot the flippy flops that I usually take with me, so I was wearing their "disposables". Apparently me and thin footie fabric don't mix. I walked out of the dressing room toward the little tea table and slid into the damn thing. I didn't knock it down, but I have a big azz bruise on my right hip now to remind me to take small steps when I wear those things. Note to self: bring flippy flops or slippers next time. Do NOT wear the disposables. NO.

All was well, had my tea then settled in for a massage. You know massages are relaxing, right? Like you kind of forget where you are sometimes. I probably shouldn't even be telling yall this, but we're all family so it's okay. Umm, my masseuse lady was workin it out on my lower back. She could tell that I hold all of my tension there, cuz my muscles were basically in knots. Just a damn mess. I was all off in my la la land, listening to the Najee CD she had playing. It was all great. But I got too comfortable, and as she was working back up my spine it just happened. Yall, the gas. It came out. *rumble rumble* and it was loud. Like that record scratch sound you hear on TV when someone does some off the wall shit.
I was 'bout ready to crawl in a hole under the table and die a slow death. I mean a few tears came out and my face turned all kinds of red. I dont blush easily, but my face was on fire!!

I rolled over and tried to explain myself, even though my azz had done enough explaining already. "Umm, the tea. I drank green tea and didn't eat anything. I'm so sorry. Really. Ohmygod." The lady just looked at me and laughed. "Sweetie, it happens all the time, lay on your stomach. People get relaxed and all kinds of sounds and smells come out. It's okay. Relax"

I was still ready to sneak into a cave and hide for a while, but she just went back to doing what she does. The rest of the massage was great. I got a parrafin hand treatment and a facial, then went and did some browsing at the mall. I went and signed up for a pilates class and an advanced adult tap class at a place in Bethesda. I'm not teaching dance this season, and I can't function without having my tap shoes on for at least a few hours a week, so the tap class will be just the thing I need to help me get through everything :-)

All in all, it was a great day, but I swear...some stuff really only happens to me. And I'll never drink green tea before a massage ever again.

Spa Day!

2007-11-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

It's been pretty rough going as of late, so I'm playing hooky and taking a spa day--just me and zero distractions with a good massage and facial. It's going to be a good day. I'll catch up with yall tomorrow!

Quiet Monday

2007-11-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

Ladybugs are still red. All weekend, I've been hearing my little cousin's wise words; and truly they've never been more appropriate I guess.

I found out Friday that I do have the early stages of cervical cancer. It's very early and very treatable. So no chemo and no radiation right now, thank God. I have to have a procedure done that will basically burn the top layers of my cervix off, and therefore burn off all of the "damaged" (cancerous) cells (we hope). I hear it's an easy procedure, but we'll see. There will be lots of follow up before and after, to make sure the damaged cells don't spread. I also have a ginormous cyst on my left ovary. Like peanut sized, damn. It'll come off the same day that I have the other procedure done. So yay, I get to keep both of my ovaries! I really never thought I'd see the day that I make a statement like that.

It's still hard for me to put it in my mind that I have cancer. Tears come in spells, even today. I know I'm lucky that we caught it early, so my life doesn't have to change much, but I know that for everyone like me who gets a good prognosis, there's somone who gets it much much worse. So I don't know how to feel. Why was I lucky, and not my mom's best friend? Why was I lucky, and not my cousin? I feel almost paralyzed by my own diagnosis and prognosis. I want to crawl in a hole. That's what I did all weekend. Just bury myself in myself, if that makes sense to you. Going through the motions of being happy, but all the while trying to make sense of all of this. My world, spinning in the wrong direction.

I'm back to work today, and no one here knows except my boss. The world keeps moving. In the right direction. Just like my little cousin said, the grass is still green, the sky is still blue, and ladybugs are still red. D, our families, and our friends are helping me to get through this and keep going. We're still getting married, we're still gonna have kids, I'm still going to teach dance, and I'm still going to be a great best friend. This is just a blip on the radar, one of those mountains I have to climb to see the goodness on the other side. Yep. The world, and my life will go on. I'm lucky. I don't know what else to say. I don't know what else to do but cry sometimes. I'm happy, sad, everywhere in between.

Forgive me if this post is disconnected; I'm still trying to get right. Have a good day, happy Monday yall.

Friday Flashback

2007-11-02T08:22:00.000-04:00

I'm a nervous mess cuz I get the pathology reports from the biopsy this afternoon. I can barely string a thought together after being told that it's urgen that I don't miss this appointment, so I'll leave you with this. It's Faith Evans, "Aint Nobody".

I'll be doing the usual this weekend...lunch or dinner with the girls, wedding stuff, house hunting stuff, date night with D, and catching a few zzzz's. Hope you all have a good weekend, stay blessed and fab.

Tagged!

2007-11-01T09:30:00.000-04:00

DurtyMo tagged me...

The rules of the game are:

A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I don't know how much more random stuff I can share about myself, but here we go...

1. If I wear a pair of socks bowling, I won't wear them again. I know they "sanitize" the rented shoes, but I can't get myself to wear the socks again, no matter how much bleach and boiling water I use to wash them. Something about knowing that my socks have touched other people's foot germs...bleh.

2. I don't know how to play checkers. I can play chess with the best of them, but checkers is beyond my comprehension for some reason.

3. I broke my nose when I was 7 jumping double dutch. My shoelace got caught up in the rope and then my ankles got caught up and I hit the ground face first.

4. I've never eaten a corndog, and I don't plan on it. How in the name of Pete do you expect me to eat a hotdog surrounded by cornbread? I like cornbread, I like hotdogs, but the two together just doesn't compute for me.

5. I was a ski instructor during winter break one season. I only saw 3 other black folk the entire time, but it was probably the most fun I've had in cold weather.

6. I'm a makeup junkie. I probably have about $2000 worth of products in my vanity, but I hardly ever wear it. I'm just too lazy in the morning to bother, but drop me in Sephora and I'm happy.

7. I made a quilt from pieces of fabric that once belonged to the people I miss and love the most. I'll keep adding to it as long as I can, and I hope to pass it to my kids. It has a piece of my grandpa's old coveralls, my grandma's flannel nightie, my great aunt's driving glove, my other grandmother's apron, my other grandpa's workshirt, the shirt my dad was wearing when he became an American citizen, my mom's prom gown, my baby blanket, all of my siblings' baby blankets, and now a piece of D's army fatigues that I just added. It may not look like much, but I'm so proud of that quilt. I keep it tucked in our linen closet in archival paper cuz some of the fabric is so old.

I'm not going to tag anyone specific. If you want to play along, consider yourself tagged!

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T09:43:00.001-04:00

It's Halloween, so that means we'll be hearing "Thriller", "Freaks Come Out At Night", and "Somebody's Watching Me" at least once today. But because I love (black) Michael Jackson, here's "Thriller" to get you in the Halloween spirit:

Have a great day yall!

Weekend Recap

2007-10-29T09:30:00.001-04:00

I'm so glad to be back home. I flew home this weekend (I don't know why I didn't do that before, cuz all that driving is really over-rated). Had a great flight in, even though the weather was atrocious (LOL, I love hearing that word with a British accent). It was the first time I've gone home without D, so we were a mess at the airport as I was getting ready to go through security. Hugs that lasted 2 minutes too long and all that. But when I got to mom's it was ON.

I got off the plane at about 7:30AM. Mom and Daddy took me out to breakfast and we did some family stuff for a lil while. Great. I was kinda out of it cuz you know I'd been up since 4AM, but nice anyway. We dropped Daddy off at home, and then me and my mom went to the bridal store. Big.azz.mistake.

D is really involved with all of this wedding planning, even down to my dress. I've wanted his input on the dress I'm going to wear because it's his wedding too. The wedding, at least in our eyes, is NOT all about the bride. Bridezillas be damned. I don't want him seeing me walking down the aisle rolling his eyes and thinking, "...the fukk does she have on?". So he's helped me pick the dresses--bridesmaids and mine. Well the one I picked out before is no longer available, so my mom decided that she was going to intervene and take me to the bride store at home--it's the same place where I got prom dresses, etc. She's a great great wedding dress person. So I see a dress that's nice, and they tell me to put the deposit on it right then because it's crossover season in bridal wear, so they don't know if the same dress will be avaialable come January, so they need to get the confirmation from the designer right now.

I refused. I told them I won't put a deposit on anything until D has seen it. Or at least a picture of it. Especially since he's paying for my dress. They were telling me that I'm wrong and will basically rot in a moldy corner in Satan's tinderbox because I want him to see the dress. I got my way, but it was catty. And then after all that, my mom stayed mad at me till I left yesterday morning. But this right here was the worst:

Some lady at the store: "You're gonna fuck up your wedding. You probably will jinx your marriage like that. You better not let him see that dress. He'll be mad at you"

Me: "Where is your engagement ring? Are you engaged? Are you married? Nope. Bare fucking ring finger. Oh, I see you're getting fitted for a bridesmaid dress. Not a wedding gown. Your opinion is null and void. You come talk to me when you're the one shelling out beaucoup dollars for a dress. You have a good day"

Mom, Dress Lady, and Some people in the store (M,D,S): "That's blasphemy. He needs to not know about the dress. It's the last decision you'll make as a single women"

Me: "We made that decision together."

M,D,S: "Nooooo. You don't know what you're doing. You will ruin your marriage like that. It's tradition, he should be surprised"

Me: "Fuck a tradition. We're a non traditional couple. See my engagement ring? Not like your average ring, right? We do shit our own way"

M,D,S: "You can't do that though. It's not right"

Me: "Look, we'll be just as married whether he sees the dress or not. That's OUR decision. WE're paying for it. When yall start paying for my wedding, your opinions will matter. Let me take a copy of what the dress looks like, and I'll send him a picture message on the phone"

Dress Lady: "I don't know if I can let you do that. I'll give you a copy of the page it's on, then you take it home and cool down. Call me Tuesday with your credit card number for the deposit. Lemme take your measurements. See, we have to do it this way so the bridesmaid dresses match the red sash on your dress"

Me: "ok." *fuming*

So I left with my copies. Mom was on my ass for the rest of the day and night. Showing me the wedding shows on the Style Network and Oxygen and what not. "See see see, her husband didn't know what the dress looks like". I thought it was about to come to blows.

Mom: "You just don't understand. You're not married"

Me: "Rethink that last statement, mom."

Mom: "What kind of good wife doesn't follow tradition? I mean, it's tradition for him to know nothing about a dress until you see him on your wedding day"

Me: "Well, I guess I'll be a bad wife. A happy one though."

Mom: "You just don't understand!!!"

All this about a gotdamned dress. I wanted to cry and leave. But I was stuck at mama's house with no car, and I didn't want to borrow hers. I could have called one of my girls who still lives there, I didn't really feel like going out anyway since monsoon season decided to hit the state with random torrential rain. So I went to bed early.

Sunday morining, I was back on a plane at 7AM. My mom decided to call truce, and tell me that she was just happy that I'm happy. Isn't this how it's supposed to be anyway? I'm glad I didn't leave angry. I just wish we could have spent more time doing what moms and grown daughters do--like tea and crumpets or whatever the hell you see on Lifetime movies, lol. But I see now how this is going to go. She'll have to be a "from afar" helper.

Once I got back home, D picked me up and we enjoyed the rest of the day. We went and had pedicures and I got my nails done. Yup, he got a pedicure cuz those man-feet get all horrible in his line of work, and I'm not about to be cuttin' toenails and what not. He left for work and I did a late dinner with 3 of my girlfriends and then I hit the bed like a sack of bricks. I'm tired!!

Anyhoo, I'm done ramblin now. How was your weekend?

Friday Flashback

2007-10-26T08:04:00.000-04:00

It's raining in the "urrea", so I guess this one fits. It's Oran "Juice" Jones, "The Rain":

I'm going to see my mama for a lil bit this weekend, you know...get some good home cooked food and all that. Hope you all have a good weekend. Stay blessed, stay fabulous.

D says...

2007-10-25T09:08:00.000-04:00

Finally he got around to responding to your questions. A lot of them were the same question, just asked different ways, so here goes...

What is your definition of love?
Well love is hard to describe but I'll try. For me, love is you being able to care for someone no matter what they do or say, and being able to accept and appreciate the other person's faults. I wish I could answer this better for you. It is hard to describe and even harder to find. I will say that people use the word too easily. Love is everlasting, even when things go bad. Love is the evolution of like.

What quirky habits do you have?
I guess the most quirky habit I have is when the Redskins play I wear my Redskins jersey. Boring.

What's the best thing you've ever done in the army?
I did alot of good things in the Army, but my best thing was coming home alive from the war in Afghanistan.

What do you hate most about your job?
I suppose taking police reports for petty things is probably one of my most serious dislikes of the job. Alot of issues can be resolved without police presence.

What do you love most about Bella Noire?
I love everything about her. I would have to dig deep to find what I love most about her. She is great! I promise I didn't make him write that!

When you first met Bella Noire, what was the first thing about her
that stood out to you?
The first thing that stood out to me was her outfit and that she didn't have on anything crazy or sleazy looking when we first met. She gave the impression that she respects herself alot and wants to be respected. I liked that.

Which holiday do you look forward to most and why?
I look forward to Christmas the most because of all the family gatherings. I missed Christmas while I was in Afghanistan, and that was the most difficult thing about the tour. So now Christmas is even more important to me.

Whats the funniest memory you remember from childhood?
I was about five and I went into the potato chip bag and sucked the salt from every chip I could. When my sister and mother went into the bag they picked up nothing but wet chips!

How did you know Tasha was the one?
I can't answer that in a few lines; it was something that I just knew deep within myself.

What you pray your children learn from here that they might not learn from you?
I don't know exactly what I want my children to learn from her, but I'm pretty sure they will have her most valubale traits.

Who do you think your children will most look like?
I can only say that I hope if we have a girl, she looks like just like her mom.

What is something that you dislike about lovely Tasha :)?
When she cries she has an UGLY face, lol.

When (and how) did you know that you were in love with Tasha?
At 11:44 PM on March 12, 2007. Just kidding. It's really hard to put a time on it. I just knew. I tried to picture myself as an old man, and I saw her right along with me.

What is it about Ms. Tasha that makes your toes curl?
Am I allowed to answer that here? This is a family blog, right?

How long did you and Tasha date before you realized she was the woman you wanted to spend your life with??
I don't know the exact answer to that. It was fairly quickly though.

What was your last unit in the Army? And what was your MOS?
290th Military Police Company. My MOS was 95B (The numbers have been reassigned since then).

Varsity Blues

2007-10-24T10:20:00.000-04:00

Varsity means nothing. I repeat, Varsity means NOTHING when you are over the age of 21. Undergrad is gone, highschool is a vague memory.

See, I played varsity volleyball all through high school and for a while in college. I even played in one of those "I'm not a kid anymore" corporate leagues for a minute after I graduated. So you'd think that I have some skills, right? Riiight??

Well, I do. Umm, I did anyway. The only skills I've got right now are in IcyHot application and Advil poppin. Me and my "I played varsity" self decided that it would be fun to help my cousin for the evening coaching her daughter's team. After the news I got, I needed a distraction. (I'll get to explaining what happened when I manage to find the words) Not an overall bad decision, execpt for the fact that I wanted to participate with the players. *Ahem* Did I mention that I am NOT 16 anymore? To my own damn dismay, I pulled the serious 'I'm getting old' move and said, "lemme show yall what we did when I played on my HS team". I really thought I was doing something until I felt some muscle I didn't know existed in my leg stretch wrong. Immediate handicappage, proceed to fall to the ground. But *beats chest with fist* I played varsity, son. The kid can't go out like that, so I jumped right back up and let the girls practice the move I'd just showed them on me. Just me on one side of the net. Six of them on the other side. Something we used to do in HS all the time. That's how we got to be regional champs. I really knew this wasn't smart, but *cough* I played varsity. I got skills.

They whooped.my.azz. Whomp Whoooooooomp. Those girls had me looking like Sambo doing all this jumping and diving to get the ball over the net. I was so hurt, literally, that I decided to leave before practice was over. Nevermind that I just had a biopsy and was ORDERED to stay AWAY from intense physical activity. Bad decision making on my part, yeah yeah. But I think I was more hurt by the fact that I was sounding just like my older brother's old HS football friends. I never understood why they just can't let the dream die. Sure they got their varisy letter and the jacket, but professional football players they are not.

I hope this incident is not the beginning of the "you youngins don't know about this here" or "whatchu know 'bout this dance". Uggh. Jesus take the wheel and please don't let me end up like that uncle who is always at someone's wedding trying to outdance the kids.

Let Me Count the Ways

2007-10-23T11:25:00.001-04:00

Sorry in advance for the sappiness of this post.

I got some news today, and it wasn't good. *sigh* and *sigh* again, I'll explain soon. I want to cry. I'll make it through, but alone it would be even harder. All my trials, and the one I'm staring in the face, have been made easier cuz of him.

D, I stand by you, with you, and next to you because...

1)You love me better than anyone ever has
2)You make me want to be a better woman
3)You protect my body, soul, and spirit
4)You put GOD first in your world
5)You respect my womanhood
6)You support me during my struggles
7)You wipe my tears and cry with me
8)You know how I feel about something before I do
9)You make my morning right
10)When the world is harsh, you hold me gently

Thanks for holding me up over the last few weeks, when the stuff has been rough. Thanks for letting me know that I won't have to do this alone.

Monday Mashup

2007-10-22T09:39:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Monday, I wish I could rewind to Saturday and keep enjoying the weekend. Friday's biopsy went well I guess. 4 lesions on my cervix were biopsied and they don't look right, but we'll see when I get the pathology report on November 2. And she did an endometrial biopsy also, which means she got some cultures from my uterus too. No, no anesthesia involved. They said it would *pinch*. Pinch my azz, that mess is sooo painful. I'm still sore and can't do any lifting or go to the gym until the end of the week. I'll spare the nastier details of what's going on, but it's not cute lemmetellya. But thanks for all the prayers and well wishes you all have given, it truly means a lot. Love ya blog peoples!

But Saturday, I got my ish together for the most part and went shopping with the girls all day. I paid for it--my wallet was lighter, and I felt the effects physically. Umm, when the doctor says relax, you're supposed to do that. Not run all over central MD shopping all day. *sigh*. But I did find some cute shoes and jeans. At least something good came of that. D had to work Saturday night, so I went home and relaxed with a heat pad and some strong ibuprofen. Good sleep. Goooood sleep. That drool inducing kind. D said he came home from work and caught me looking like a little girl wrapped up with my blankie and glow worm. (Don't say nuffin about my glow worm, lol)

Sunday me and D had the chance to relax. Skins game, then lunch out, then looking at houses again. We still haven't found the right one, but we're getting there. And we test drove a few trucks. Fun times. And now I'm back here. Boooooo.

Random Foolishness:
On Saturday, some wanna be hard rocker walked up to me and my friend as I was leaving the restroom in Arundel Mills mall and asked, "You girls are so pretty. I've always wanted to date a colored girl. How do I get a colored girl". **Stop the clock, personal foul!** He was so serious too, and when we said, "Don't call her colored. That's a good way to start", he got all red faced and walked away looking embarrassed. Umm, at least he asked nicely. *rolls eyes*.

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Happy Friday...

2007-10-19T09:31:00.000-04:00

Hey yall...I'm not going to move the blog for a little while yet because I'm having some trouble moving my archived posts. Hopefully in the next week or so. But I'll be posting here regularly in the meantime.

I have another biopsy today. I'm not looking forward to it because they hurt so much. I also have to go over the details of the oophorectomy (ovary removal) today. I haven't really posted this week because I've been trying to get myself okay with the fact that I may be thrown into pre-menopause this early in my life. I'll be on estrogen replacement therapy so hopefully that will regulate things. So I'm left knowing that my child bearing window is severely limited.

So be it though. Whatever I'm supposed to go through God already has destined for me, so I know I shouldn't worry about it. *sigh*. I wish it weren't me, but I wouldn't want anyone else to deal with this.

Anyway, this weekend is all about the shopping. Me and a bunch of girlfriends are going to the outlets on Saturday, we're dragging along the menfolk and letting them loose at one of our friends' houses (she lives in Hagerstown and has a few 4-wheelers and go-karts, so they'll be ok while we spend their money...I mean our money).

You blogfam folk have come with some really good suggestions about where to have the reception, so we'll be looking at a few of your suggestions on Sunday. We're looking at two museums and we're attempting to get a chance to check out the Navy Yard. Thanks yall!!

Hope you have a good weekend.

Moving

2007-10-16T09:27:00.000-04:00

I am in the process of moving my blog to another program. As soon as things are straight over there, I'll give you the address so you can update your blogrolls. Blogger's too much for me right now.

Everything I Needed, I Already Had

2007-10-15T08:52:00.000-04:00

D is still answering the loads of questions he got, so no answers today, LOL. Hope you all had a great weekend. Me and D spent the weekend with his (our) family, and it was just great. But getting to the point of calling his family my family hasn't been easy.

I spent a good part of my childhood resenting my family. Not being mad at WHO they were, but resenting WHAT they weren't. Everyday, I'd cross the proverbial tracks and go to the "rich white people school" and I'd see mommies AND daddies dropping their progeny off at the door. Girls running into daddy's arms at the end of the day. Family pictures hung up in people's lockers that show three generations of family lineage. When I got back to my side of town, I saw the kids who looked like me running around with their throngs of cousins, having family reunions in the park, and aunts and uncles on every block in the hood.

Me, and mine. That's all it was. My mom, my dad, my brother, me. By 1986 my father was certified fucked up and divorced. That left my mom, my brother, me. By 1992 my brother was off to college and never really returned home. Summer visits don't count. So it was my mom, me. That's all. My mom is from NYC, and my father from Jamaica (West Indies), so in our upstate NY neighborhood--family meant my mom and that's all. A stark contrast to the big family units in my hood that would rally up to whoop some ass if need be, and even more polarized from the family portraits that I saw at school everyday. Alone. Even with people around me. I felt alone.

I resented my mom vehemently. Just go back to NYC permanently so we could have a real family there. Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, and aunts, and uncles awaited me there. But for my educational sake, and more than likely to protect me from my father, we remained. We shuffled back and forth, but in the end it was just us. No family reunions, no impromptu dinners at an aunt's house. Just me and my mother, by fate knit closer than a wool sweater. It didn't have to be like that. All I wanted was a family to love, to see what Christmas would be like if all we had to do was walk around the corner to have the big family dinner, instead of sitting on I-87 south for 2 hours and going across the Tappan Zee Bridge.

My resentment followed me, and I wore it like a girl scout badge. I had a woman say to me, "No man, and no man's family will ever love you because you don't know how to interact with a family. You don't know how to belong". I was ten the first time I heard that. And it stuck like old grits to the bottom of the pot. All I wanted to do was belong. I needed that sense of family. Two hours to NYC, three and a half hours to Philly, a plane ride to Florida, a longer plane ride to Jamaica was too far to go to get that family feeling. And even then, because we weren't physically close, getting that warm fuzzy feeling that advertisers allude to in soup commercials was even more difficult. I broke down at boyfriends' family functions. Hiding deep within myself because I didn't know how a real family worked.

When I met D's family, it was like love at first site. They loved me, and I loved them. But I still resisted, because I didn't know how to give in. I didn't know family. I didn't know how to be a part of a family gathering. Something as simple as my birthday party turned into a full-out tear jerker because I had to work hard to hold it together and cracked by the end of the night.

Me: "D, your family is so great, but all I know about family is what I see on TV and from the pictures on Christmas cards. It's so hard to fit into that, cuz I always needed family structure, but never had it. I think I'm family retarded"

D: "Who was around you when you grew up?"

Me: "My mom, my brother, all of our friends, family friends, my god parents."

D: "Where did you go on birthdays and holidays? To their houses, right? You played with their friends, and their kids, right? They were at your graduations and dance competitions, right? That's your family. You know all about family, probably moreso than me. You can't fit into my family because they're already your family. There's no fitting necessary. You love them just like they love you. The first day they met you, my mom knew you were going to be my wife. Tasha, your family is your heart, no matter if they're related by blood"

I just sat in silence after hearing him say that. All the resentment wilted. All the attempts to pretend to be a family lady were in vain. I can't pretend to be something that I already am. Everything I (thought I) needed, I already had. I grew up with the best type of family. Friends and relatives all over the place. I was never alone. It's sad that it's taken a man and almost 20 years for me to realize that, but it's alright. I'm happy that I have the best family around--mine and D's. That's all I need.

Welcome to the family.

Wednesday Whatever

2007-10-10T09:48:00.000-04:00

The stuff on my mind...

-Along with the might-be cancer in my body, I found out that I have to have my left ovary taken out. It has six non-fibroid cysts on it. *sigh*. But I'll still be able to have children

-Every day at this plantation feels miserable to me. I don't want to do this anymore. I love my industry, but this is putting a dark cloud over my soul. I can't stay here knowing that I don't have the autonomy to help my patients the way they need to be helped.

-I picked out my dress, but now everyone has comments. Here it is:

-I'm not knocked up. So that's not why I'm getting married. So stop asking, anon. Go the fukk back where you came from or at least get out of my comment box.

-Bout time I commented on Mar.ion J.ones, right? Well...it's nothing I didn't expect. I knew she was lying from the jump. No one who is innocent denies accusations that hard. They just don't. Sorry to see her fall from grace, but avoid the compromising positions to begin with.

-I'm tired of reading people's blogs lamenting about how they can't get a man or how there are no good men out there, but they refuse to take stock of themselves. Admitting you're a little rough around the edges can go a long way. I'm a damn mess half the time, and I know it and embrace it. I took all that messiness and dropped it at D's feet. He could take it or leave it. He took it, and I couldn't be happier. And I know full well that our happniess depends on what the both of us do, not just how he acts toward me. I have to treat him right in order for him to treat me right. Don't expect a man to treat you like a princess when you treat him like a pauper or worse yet like a child. Even if we don't work out, I'm grateful for the experience and will NEVER ever be bitter about it. That's why I'm happy from the inside out. Shit doesn't make me bitter. Bitter is for black coffee. Bitter is for sour patch kids. Bitter is NOT for grown ass good-sense havin' people.

-The window cleaners are at my job today. Watching them wash windows while suspended mid-air is a hell of a lot more interesting that what is on my desk.

-Why are grown ass people still getting red in the face and giggly when the topic of sex comes up? Hell how do you think you got here? I walked in the break room yesterday and these women were a red faced embarrassed hot mess cuz they were joking that one of the girls had sex with her man, cuz she's pregnant now. The surprise is where?

-I've been hiding from the gym lately, and I don't even feel guilty. But someone took a pic of me a few days ago and well... I'll be at the gym tonight. Nuff said.

-My neighbor fell for one of those Nigerian/UK lotto scams. She deposited the fake check and wired the money. Now she's in trouble with her bank and out $ix figure$. Yikes.

-I'm so ready for a cup of tea, but that would mean that I have to walk past massa, and she's on the warpath. Uggh, interview not coming quick enough

-I'm looking for a plance in the DC urrea to have our reception. Suggestions? We're looking at around 100-125 people (small, yay!!) and we don't want it to be in somebody's gymnasium. LOL, gymnasium...I've always liked that word.

-I see you girl reading my blog. It's alright, hon. Hide your IP address next time, mmmk. I thought you wanted to stay out of my business. Kick rocks, beyatch.

-Is it lunch time yet?

Ask D

2007-10-09T14:02:00.001-04:00

D is feeling left out of blogland, so he wants answer questions from yall (ok, he's not really feeling left out, I just volunteered him to play along)...so either email me or drop your question in the comment box. He'll post the answers on Thursday.

Holiday!

2007-10-08T09:34:00.000-04:00

It's a holiday, woo hoo. Day off, right? Nope. I'm on the plantation, working hard because I have stuff sitting on my desk from last week that I need to get caught up on. I've got plenty to ramble about, but massa is calling me. I'll try and post later on today, if not...have a good Monday and a good day off for most of you.

Friday Flashback

2007-10-05T08:50:00.000-04:00

This week it's Bobby Brown, pre-crack, in all of his spandex biker shorts with suspenders glory: "Every Little Step"

What are you getting into this weekend? I'll be going to see Common in concert and then back on the wedding dress grind with a few girlfriends. I know I'll be catching up on some zzz's too cuz I've been cheating myself in the sleep dept. as of late. Have a good weekend; stay fabulous and blessed!

Grown Azz Boys

2007-10-03T09:25:00.000-04:00

This morning D drove me to work and we stopped for coffee. Outside of the D.unkin D.onuts were a bunch of high school aged kids, mostly boys, who were apparently waiting for the school bus. While we were walking back to the car, one of them shouted at me, "Cutie, I wanna hit that" and then another, "Bruh, ya girl got a fat ass". D was heated, but didn't even honor their shouts with a response and I just gave them the 'I'm old enough to be your mama, please act right' look.

This kind of thing happens all too often, so I wasn't surprised in any way. What I'm put off by though is the fact that they've been taught that acting that way is acceptable male behavior. Some where along the line they've been taught that being rude and extra forward to a woman is the definition of manhood. Sadly, I expect that type of behavior from somegrown men in their 20s and maybe early 30s, but I'm not sure when it became universally acceptable or sexy even. I've been approached by men of (virtually) all ages, and I've noticed that most of the older ones approach me and other women like they have some sense. They don't say things like, "I wanna hit that" or other way off the wall stuff. It's usally something more like, "Pardon me miss, you have a lovely smile. I'd love the chance to talk with you some more".

Assuming that men teach their boys or that boys follow the examples of the men around them, how did these boys get the idea that "I wanna get in your jeans mama" works better than "Excuse me miss..."? Also, you don't see too many older dudes disrespecting the man that a woman is out with, so why are the youngins doing it? You don't see Willie the Catfish Fryer talking about, "Playa, I wanna get all up in your woman's panty-drawers". Don't the kids know they could catch a few charges or fists to the face like that? You can try to blame their behavoir on hip hop videos, but the people in the videos had to get their ideas from somewhere also.

In the same breath, however you have to ask about the girls who actually respond to advances like that, they're just as bad. Where are their mamas to tell them that when a man approaches you raunchy, he'll continue to treat you that way?

Grown azz youngins, *sigh*. Look at me sounding like my mama--damn.

Pickin' Cotton

2007-10-02T09:39:00.001-04:00

I'm working like a field slave on the plantation today, so no post. I'll catch up with ya tomorrow!

I Am NOT a Cupcake

2007-10-01T09:28:00.000-04:00

D and I managed to have a really good weekend, we did date night twice and saw "The Kingdom" (If you like action, go see it. We loved it!!). We also saw the builders, and we're going over the plans for one townhouse now. I'm so excited to see us actually moving forward with this. *doing happy dance* Can't wait to flex my interior design muscles, lol.

But while he did whatever it is men do on Saturday mornings, I busied myself with wedding gown shopping. Umm. Let me just say, I.hate.this.with.a.passion. I actually enjoy trying on dresses and crinolines and stuff, but I hate the salespeople that come along with it. See, I say all the time that I'm not a small girl...I've lost 60 lbs or so over the last 15 months, but still teetering between plus size and non-plus size. Anyhoo, the salespeople at every wedding store I've been to seem to think that because I'm a woman of some size that I want some big azz poofy, tulle-d to hell nightmare of a dress. You know, looking like some abstract Picasso-ized rendition of Cinderella.

I went to four different places on Saturday, and while I was looking at the styles that I like (mostly A-line cut dresses), I was directed toward the "big poof". The tight bodice with the big azz tulle and netting mess at the bottom. Like this:

If you like that kind of thing, more power to you. But not this chick. Just for kicks and giggles, I tried the dress on at three of the places I went to, and each and every single one of the sales lady said something to the effect of "Aww you look like a little cupcake. How cute! That style looks best for your body type".

What.the.fugg?! How is saying that I look like a cupcake a good thing? Compliment? Ok, so lemme tell your little skinny knock-kneed behind that you look like a dried-up chicken wing and that you could benefit from eating a sandwich or five. That's offensive, right? But telling the big girl that she looks like a cupcake isn't?? Grrr!!! I like wedding cake, but I don't want to look like one.

I know people have my best intentions or lining their wallets in mind when they "guide" us towar certain wedding items, but I have to wonder if they listen when I tell them what we want. We don't want some behemoth of a wedding, we want it small and simple; so don't send us to the behemoth reception location. Parents, friends, and almost everyone that has a pulse who has found out about the impending nuptials say something like, "Well if it were me, I'd do it this way..." or "When me and ol' fart got married, we did it that way, and I'm sure you all would love it..." or even worse "I'll call the super expensive azz wedding coordinator that completely fugged up my wedding, and have her call you...". The best one we've heard, "Y'all should go on that 'Who's Wedding is it anyway' show so you can get a free hotel stay". Just puke. We know D is a veteran, but we don't want a military wedding, so stop suggesting it. We know we have a lot of friends yet want a very small wedding, so stop suggesting that we have 500 guests. We don't care about the gifts, we don't care about the flower arrangements, we just want to be married dammit. And I don't want to look like a cupcake in the process. *sigh* maybe we should just elope--and we're thinking about it. Maybe doing the JP, then having a bigger wedding later just so we know we can have the wedding for US, and then make THEM happy later. *sigh* Sorry for the rant yall. Hope you had a good weekend.

Friday Flashback

2007-09-28T09:17:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday (and payday for some people)! This week the flashback is En Vogue "Free Your Mind".

This weekend I'll be wedding dress shopping yet again and we'll be going to visit a few places to check out their reception facilities. We also have a meeting with the new home builder to see about their townhouse plans. If we like what we see and if the model looks good, we might consider building with them since they're offering a discount for police, veterans, and healthcare employees--that means triple discount for us! I'll also be meeting with a teacher sista-sociate of mine to discuss the possibility of us joining forces to start a tutoring/mentoring operation for middle and highschool students with a financial education component for students and their parents. Then hopefully D and I will get to catch a movie. Busy weekend, but I'm glad to not be going to work, lol. Anyway, what are you all getting into this weekend? Whatever you do, be safe and have fun.

I Miss You...

2007-09-27T09:14:00.000-04:00

Today would be my grandmother's 86th birthday. Nearly four years after her death I still miss her as much as I did the day I had to say goodbye for the last time. She passed away 3 years and 11 months to the day after my grandfather passed on; she just couldn't face another day without him. 53 years of marriage will make you like that.

My mother's mom, she's responsible in large part for shaping me into the person that I am. She never held her tongue, she always let you know how she felt about you and you couldn't fault her for that. Her humor could make you laugh till you cry, but she knew when and how to switch it up and carry herself flawlessly. She wasn't rich, but had more class than most millionaires. The grace of a ballerina, the tough hide of an elephant. She lived in the hood, but could make the country club home just as easily.

When my innocent little girl world got raped by the malfeasance and malintent of some grown people and became too much for me to handle, she let me take refuge in her home. Surrounded by grandma smells and sights, grandma cooking and hugs I was always okay. She held it down when my mom thought her world was going to blow up. Through divorce court, family court, everything in between she was there with a smile and some tough love if you needed it.

Alzheimer's got the best of her, and I was lucky to see her a week before she died. She recognized no one around her except for my mother and I. I thought she'd make it, even though she looked like a shell of herself I figured she was invincible because she was my grandma. Yeah, at 20 years old, I still thought she was invincible. A week later it was over, and we buried her at Calverton National Cemetery right next to grandpa and it was all okay. Our hearts hurt but it was okay.

At her interment, there was a huge caterpillar near her casket. She had a love/hate relationship with them. We took it as her way of telling us that she was at peace and that she was ok.

Many days have gone by where I just wanted to talk to her and hear her voice again. I've actually picked up the phone and dialed the number only to hear that the number has been disconnected. As much as I want to say that it isn't fair that I can't talk to her anymore, I know that it really is fair. I get to talk to her with my heart and my prayers rather than with my mouth. And I know that she's taught me over the years to find the same kind of refuge that I found with her within myself. She's only gone in body.

*sigh* I didn't think that I'd still be feeling like this so many years later. But damn I miss her...

Can I take your order?

2007-09-26T08:58:00.000-04:00

Quick Rant:

I need to take a minute and check my passport just to make sure that I'm an American in America. The United States of America that is. I just came back from McDonald's up the street from work to get a fruit/yogurt parfait and and orange juice, and I'm really kind of salty that I had to place my entire order in spanish. I knew things weren't going to be right when I pulled up to the drive-thru speakerbox to order and I heard, "Bienvenido a McDonald's". When I asked if she spoke english, she said, "No señora". Great. I didn't feel like going inside to order, and I didn't want to ask for a manager to ream them out for not having an english speaking person at the drive-thru. Not today, no time for that. So I ordered in spanish, with my Spanish III skills, and drove up. I got my food and managed to find out that the girl who took my order was just filling in for another girl while she was in the restroom, so it wasn't an issue.

I'm not even about to go on the tirade about immigration, partially because I'm the daughter of an immigrant and partially because I'm not about to touch that arguement with a ten-foot pole. I'll leave that to the political talking heads or for a day that's not today. I just want to know when it became okay for me to have to order my food in a language that's not english when I'm in the USA. It could have been french, russian, or whatever and I'd still be having the same concerns. Seriously. I don't mind going in certain neighborhoods and seeing billboards in 2 languages (where I'm from, you'll see billboards in French since we're pretty close to the border with Quebec--so it's not just a spanish/english thing). I don't give a damn if people speak whatever language with their friends and family. But I do have a problem going into a business like McD's and having to scrounge up my language skills to get some breakfast. If it were a small, perhaps family-owned establishment, I probably wouldn't care so much. But McD's in the DC Metro? Yeah I care. And I'm salty cuz it's not the first time. I've had it happen at Subway, the Car Wash, a taxicab, and now here.

Sigh, I think I'm just grouchy this morning.

Ok, rant done. Have a good day yall. Hit me up in the comment box. Have yall had the same types of experiences?

If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question

2007-09-25T09:23:00.000-04:00

I'm all about helping a sista out when she's down. I don't mind giving advice when I'm asked for it. What I don't like, however, when a person voluntarily puts themselves in a hurtful situation then asks for advice but won't take it, yet wants to pity party. Lemme explain...

A co-worker of mine, who I've taken on as a "sista-sociate" has frustrated me to no end and at the same time has me feeling sorry for her and other women and girls who have this type of mindset. Backstory: she's older than me by about 5-6 years, and has this unending man problem. She has a problem with being alone, so she accepts whatever a man gives to her for the sake of having "someone". This man is significantly older than her with no kids. He lost his job as a corrections officer, which means he couldn't pay his rent, so this girl let him move in to her one bedroom apartment--mind you, they are not together. He got a piece of job working 3 days a week at night as a security guard--he rarely shows up to that job, but manages to still get paid because he lies to his bosses that he was there. So he comes in, eats up her food, uses her utilities, plays videogames ALL day, and pays NOTHING to her. She cooks for him, etc. But he continues to say he's not ready for a relationship. He maintains close close close contact with his ex girlfriend (like he still visits her in NYC and still has sex with her although she supposedly has a man), he meets women off the internet and has his way with them then lets them go (he brings them in sista-girl's apartment during the day while we're at work I believe). Just a mess, but she keeps him around because of the dick. He treats her like shit but gets mad when she mentions going out with another dude. She wants to get married or something, but she's so caught up in this dude and not wanting to be alone that she subjects herself to this. His half hearted efforts to get a job are ridiculous, he didn't take a full time job because the pay was a few dollars lower than what he wanted. So he continues to be a lump at her expense, living in her place. He wants to control her, yet do his own thing, and refuses to claim her as his girlfriend.

There's more, but I'm tired of the story, since I hear it every day. EVERY day, she gives me the song and dance about how she's tired of how he treats her, and that he can't make up his mind, blah blah blah. She's asked me and a few other girls at work about how to make him want her. We all told her that if you have to beg a man to be with you, he doesn't want you and he's not worth her time. And if he does agree to be your man, he's not just your man. He's got side pieces. But according to her, we're hating on her and not wanting her to be happy because we're all either married or attached. But she asked the unattached ladies and got the same answer. Go friggin figure. Anyway, she'll tell us that he said "I love you" and that he calls her all the time and that he gets jealous that she might be f**king someone else in an attempt to justify her relationship. Puke. Vomit. All that.

Myself and my other co-workers who are close to this girl see how beat up her self-esteem is. We recognize that, so we try to handle her with kid gloves, but we also want her to see how she's putting herself in the situation. We tell her that she's essentially telling him that it's okay for him to use her for easy puzzi and free living space because she won't put any demands on him. She doesn't demand respect, so she gets fucked around on. She doesn't demand that he stop f**king ex-girl as a stipulation of him sharing her aparment, so he keeps on doing his thang. She doesn't demand a relationship, so he keeps floundering on the topic and avoids it like the plague. But because she's so addicted to having someone, anyone, she doesn't see what we see. She just wants a warm body whether its a relationship or not, but hates the fact that it hurts her so much when men see her as a dick receptacle and not as a girlfriend or potential wife. She doesn't realize how she's cheapened herself--every man she meets is a potential husband, but more than likely a source of dikk for when the man she lives with isn't home. She HATES spending a night alone, so when ol' dude is off with his ex-girlfriend, she'll shack up with someone--friend, frociate, dick supplier, really whoever for the night. Getting that dick so she doesn't feel alone.

I've done what I can with her, and now her voice sounds like the "Peanuts" parents, "waaaah waaaah waaaaaaaaaah", so I basically ignore her and I've stopped giving the real strong advice. I've spent a lot of my time trying to help her--I guess I have a soft spot in my heart for people that are down. Big heart I guess, lol. She already knows the answers to her questions and the advice we'll give, but she doesn't want that and isn't strong enough to face what she needs to do to make herself look respectable for lack of a better word.

I know I'm probably rambling, so sorry if this sounds like an attack on this poor chick or if it makes no sense at all. But I'm rambling because I'm not just frustrated for this girl, I'm frustrated for all the women I see doing the same things to themselves, and destroying their self-esteem and self-worth in the process. I'm not sure why some women would rather be in a shit-tastic, drama filled situation rather than be single and dating having fun. When you deal with some bullshit just to say you have someone, what do you get out of that? Ok, so you say you have someone, but does that same someone claim you as theirs also? If not, why are you bothering. No man (or woman), I don't give a damn who they are is worth compromising yourself, your self-love, your self-esteem, or your self-worth for. If you're being degraded or being treated like a disposable accessory, that's not a relationship. That's an invitation for him (or her) to leave. A relationship should make you cry because you're happy, not because you're waiting for him to come home from fucking the jump off.

Ok, I'm done rambling, I could go on and make a nice conclusion, but you know what I'm getting at. Hit me up in the comment box.

Back in business

2007-09-24T09:08:00.000-04:00

*waving* Hey yall!! Long time no write, but I figured I'd bring my rusty azz back to blogger cuz frankly, I missed it more than I thought.

Anyway, sentiment aside, I've been going through some stuff these last few weeks. I stepped away from the blogging after some comments and emails that I got that basically amounted to little more than hatin', but frustrated me nonehtheless. I enjoy writing about my life, but it's amazing how concerned and involved people will try to make themselves even when they don't have any invitation to do so. Asking when my wedding is--fine. Asking how big my dude's dick is--not fine. Telling me that you want to make sure that I'm being treated well before making such a huge decision to be married--fine. Telling me that I'm going to hell because I'm sexually active *monogamously*--not fine. See what I'm getting at?

And then outside of the stupid comments, because stuff like that won't keep me from writing, I'm going through it it other ways also. I had an abnormal pap smear a few weeks ago, and found out that I have some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Been through the first biopsy, and it looks like HSIL (high-grade squamous intraepithelial lesion) which isn't a good thing. So I'll be having another colposcopy and a more in-depth cone biopsy in two weeks. I've been going back and forth between completely freaked out and abormally calm. D has been super supportive, coming with me to every appointment and he said he'll be there for all the rest no matter what. He's maintained a sense of humor about it all, and said that if it is cancer and I end up losing my hair during chemo, he'll rub my bald head every day for good luck before he goes to work and before he goes bowling. Both of our families have been extra supportive also. It feels good to know that I have that kind of safety net so to speak.

Anyway, this weekend was fun...BBQ with D's work squad--police people are crazy lemmetellya. Fun times. And last night was football all night. His Redsk.ins against my Gia.nts meant there was a lot of "booo, your team sucks" from opposite sides of the living room. But my team won, so I got dinner made and brought to me. Yeah, that's how it should be anyway, LOL.

Hope yall had a great weekend, and it's nice to be back :-)

Blah Blah Blogger

2007-09-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

I just don't have it in me to blog right now.I don't know if it's permanent or just a few days. But I'm on hiatus for the moment. More than likely it's a temporary thing...just a few days, but we'll see. I'll be around reading your stuff...keep me entertained :-)

Stay blessed!

Tuesday's Monday

2007-09-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone had a good Labor Day off. I didn't do much over the weekend, just chilled in, hung out with the girls on Sunday evening. On Sunday night, I rode along with D during his overnight shift, so I got to be an honorary officer for the night, lol. It was a pretty slow night, but he did have to respond to a sexual assault case which was soooo sad. I won't get into it just out of respect for the girl's privacy, but it was heart wrenching. It was fun to see police work up close and personal so to speak. It did remind me of how much I wanted to be a paramedic growing up, so today I'll be filling out the paper work to finish my EMT certification (started but never finished back in NY) and hopefully apply for a position with the county fire and rescue. That's one of those life dreams from so long ago that I was too scared to attempt. My mom always encouraged me, but I found so many excuses--all because I was scared that I may actually succeed and be good at it. Now's my chance to prove myself right.

Anyway, I'm back to work today in some kind of mood. Not bad, not good. Just reflective I suppose. I know this isn't for me. This place. But I'm making the best of it, and counting my blessings that I have the skills to be able to go in whatever direction I choose. And hopefully, I'll be in the back of an ambulance soon. From the first time D heard about my paramedic dreams he thought I was crazy for not going for it...and he's right. The longer I sit behind a desk, the more I realize that I hate it and everything it represents to me. I don't want to go through my life knowing that I could have done what I wanted to do, but didn't because I was scared of my own damn self. I can't bear the thought of having kids and explaining to them why mommy hates her job. So we'll see what happens. If I don't make it, at least I can say I did my best to make it happen.

But anyway, I'm just rambling. We didn't do anything yesterday except enjoy each other's company and chill outside with some grub. Just us, and I couldn't have asked for better. What did you all get into this holiday weekend? Any BBQ's, movies??

Somebody's Watchin' Me

2007-08-30T09:28:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's a result of the full moon this week, or if I suddenly look completely different but over the last week or so I've been being watched/stalked/accosted/whatever you wanna call it by a bunch of foreign men. I don't normally care since I've been approached by non-American men many times in the past, and they've always been really cool. Had a few good dates and what not, so this is not a case of xenophobia. But something this week is just different and these men are breaching all kinds of American "holla at a girl" customs and I'm left scratching my head in bewilderment.

I think it's time for me to boycott the gas station that I usually go to near my home. I usually stop in there on my way to the gym to pick up a bottle of water, and I'm there twice a week to fill up my gas tank--a 60 mile round trip commute makes the twice a week fill up necessary. So since I'm in there for some reason or another at least 4 times a week, I guess I'm considered one of the regulars. I recognize the people that work there and so forth. But lately, over the last week or so, one worker seems to ALWAYS be there--Middle Eastern dude. At least when I'm there anyway. Tuesday night I went in to get a bottle of water for the gym and he said, "Ahh yessss, beautiful lady friend. When you come in here you make me happy. Soooooo happy. I mean all of me is happy. When you off work? We go out sometime, yes? I would like your phone numbers". I just wrinkled up my face and walked out. Then last night I stopped to get gas on the way home and the same dude spotted my car and ran...I mean ran to the pump to talk to me. He pushed my hands all off the pump and said, "Get back in your car, I pump the gas". I swatted at him and told him I could handle it. He looked crazy in the face for a minute then frowned and walked back. Umm, ok.

Last night at the gym, I was on the treadmill working it out when two African dudes come out of nowhere and get on the treadmills on either side of me. Mind you, there were at least 25 other free treadmills in the place. I don't take well to people getting next to me when there is free space elsewhere. Don't intrude on my workout bubble. But they started talking between themselves about me like I don't speak English or something. Talking all loud about "look at that ass" and the typical nasty man stuff. Ehh. But then one said to me, "In my country you'd be my wife and we'd have babies". I heard him, but pointed at my headphones and pretended like I didn't hear him. So he tapped me on my shoulder, I looked at him and he said, "you have the body of a good wife. Hips to have babies with". I was done. I said, "I don't know about where you're from, but in my country, saying stuff like that can get you hurt. That is not a compliment". I got off the treadmill, told the front desk person to keep an eye on them since they were harassing me. I went to the weight machines, and here they come looking at me all googly eyed and lustful. They didn't say anything else, but I made the rest of my workout quick and hauled ass home.

This morning, I was up extra early so I went to the grocery store to get some fruit to snack on at work and one of the workers...Brazilian maybe(?) said to me, "Yess, you are here early. I wait for you on the weekends because your face is so beautiful I cannot forget it". Yall, dude knows my daggone grocery shopping schedule. WTF!? That's not a sexy thing to say to someone, and I'm pretty sure some dude from around the way wouldn't say mess like that. I rolled my eyes, got my fruit, and kept it moving. Ewwwwwwww.

I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but these dudes need to learn to holla right. As much as I hate it, I'd rather deal with "ay bay bay" or "pssst...shawty" than knowing some sketchy ass men are watching me. *shudder*. Full moon be damned. But just because I can, here's the video "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell and Michael Jackson:

Whateva Wednesday

2007-08-29T09:08:00.000-04:00

It is Wednesday, right? Just checkin, cuz I woke up all screwed up this morning. Walked right into the wall after I got out the bed, got the heel of my sandal caught in the hem of my skirt which sent me flying face first onto the kitchen floor. Yeah, whateva. But anyhoo, more stuff that's been on my mind about stuff...just stuff...whateva.

~I'm mad that more people aren't talking about the Jena Six, and even more angry that people are spending more time pontificating about friggin Mike Vic.k than these six boys' legal problems.

~I listen to the St.eve Har.vey Morning Show on the way to work, and they read letters from listeners and give advice. I'm so disappointed that women still write in asking if they should give their "man" another chance after he's dogged them out. Of course it's because she stilll looooovvvees him. Since when does love equal being dogged out and giving infinite chances? That makes me ill every time I hear stuff like that. Oh he cheated and had a child outside of your relationship while yall were together and you still love him?? Are you that damn desperate? Love yourselves ladies, no man is worth that much trouble. I promise.

~I'm really getting tired of people saying things to the effect of, "Your fiance is white, right?" when they hear about how D treats me. Is it really that tragic for black men to the point where no one thinks they can treat a woman with respect and loyalty?

~Black folks, we gotta take better care of ourselves. I know especially for women, being a lil thick is sexy but there's a way to be thick and healthy. Too many of us are walking around morbidly obese saying, "I'm thick" or some other BS. That's why sooo many of us have diabetes and high blood pressure, etc. Go outside, take a walk, play with your babies, put down that last piece of fried hamhock. Just do something other than lament about how it's getting harder to find clothes in your size. It's not just for vanity yall. No one said you need to look like the European standard of thinness, just be healthy. I've gone to a few too many funerals for our people that have died from preventable illnesses. Having "sugar" = having diabetes = you need to take care of yourself even better than before.

~What is the point of going into all kinds of crazy ass debt to buy a car you can't afford just to impress your co-workers? When your co-workers mostly drive Accords and Camrys, you look silly buying a brand new Benz and then bragging about how you live rent free now cuz you moved back in with your mama to afford your lifestyle. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you. That's not pimpin. That's triflin...although the terms can sometimes be interchangable.

~I'm finding out a lot about myself lately. I've come to realize that I have no patience for people who complain about their situation, but do nothing to change it. "Ugggh, I hate my job but I can't get nothing better." Well damn, have you been looking? Have you been taking the professional development classes that are offered at your job so you can go into the next interview with some extra knowledge and therefore an edge? Have you even updated your resume? Are you up on your interviewing skills? No, you just sit at your cubicle and complain loudly. I have zero patience.

~It makes me happy to read and hear about so many of my blogfam's kids doing well and being productive members of society rather than becoming statistics in training. Be proud of your children, you've raised them well.

~I signed up to be a mentor for middle school girls for another academic year. I'll also still be teaching dance to "my girls". I'm also organizing a group to help them purchase health insurance at a cheaper rate than an individual policy would cost. I'll be teaching a teen and college student financial education seminar and webinar in November (details forthcoming). Yeah, I contribute to the community (that's why I can rant about it). What do you do for your community or the world at large?

Whateva. It's Wednesday

Tagged!

2007-08-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

I been tagged by a bunch of folk, so here goes:

THE RULES: Elaborate on the (bold) words below…

Accent – Combo of a Bronx and Upstate NY accent. Some people say I sound like a white girl with a lil bit of soul, lol. When I get around my Jamaican family, you can tell I gots that island blood in me though.

I Don’t Drink – orange juice with pulp. Just no.

Chore I Hate – cleaning the bathroom, even though I love the end result.

Pets – Does D count?? Seriously though, my chocolate lab pup.

Essential Electronic – I need my computer and internet.

Perfume/Cologne – Donna Karan Cashmere Mist. I usually buy 3 big bottles at a time.

Gold or silver – Silver. D knew better than to come with anything other than silver or white gold. I will wear gold around Christmastime though--family tradition.

Insomnia – I used to suffer with it, but now I sleep like a brick and can fall asleep any.damn.where except behind the wheel

Job Title – Reimbursement Analyst, and my boss is better known as Massa

Most Admired Trait – Physical: my smile. Character/Personality: My sense of humor and patience

Kids – I would like 3 and D cosigns on it. We'll see what happens in a few years

Religion – Raised Baptist, but I spend more time working on my personal relationship with God than I do participating in all the pomp and circumstance at church

Siblings – 1 brother, 2 half brothers, 10 step siblings

Time I wake up – 6:40 AM.

Unusual talent/skill – I can hold a pen and write with my right foot.

Vegetable I refuse to eat – turnips. I'll eat turnip greens, but the actual turnip itself needs to stay in the ground.

Worst habit – I crack my knuckles, ankles, hips, toes, shoulders, and my back. I don't know if it causes arthritis, but the noise drives people crazy

X-rays – More than I can count

My favorite meal – Prime rib cooked medium well with savory au jus, along with a baked potato with butter and sourcream and steamed veggies.

I'm tagging everyone on my blogroll who wants to play who hasn't already done this.

Weekend Recap

2007-08-27T09:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday! I spent most of the weekend chilling and enjoying the weather. On Friday evening, D and I went to dinner with a former co-worker of mine from back home. She was in town on vacation with her kids and looking for jobs since she hopes to move down here soon. The dinner was nice, but her kids are something else! Her daughters are 14 and 16, and they have some mouth on them. They were cussing more than the rest of us, and the older daughter was going on about how she tried birth control but it didn't work. Based on the look from her mama's face she may as well have inserted foot in mouth. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "oh, I kept forgetting to take the pill, that's what I mean". I could tell that was some kinda lie. I'm sure her mama was all in her face about that after we had dinner and went our ways.

Saturday I handled a few outstanding errands, then took some 'me' time and went to the library and took out a bunch of books. I brought them home and spent the afternoon on the balcony reading and enjoying a few glasses of wine. Just lovely.

Sunday we went looking at cars for me, since I'm officially in the market again. My car is only a year old but it's not what I want. I kind of got roped into it after the accident last year, so I decided I'll bite the bullet and trade mine in to at least get what I really want. I might have to pay a little more per month, but at least I'll be driving something that's comfortable for me. Gotta pay to have what you want sometimes. Later on we went out to dinner and then hit the couch for some quality football time.

My mom called last night to shoot the breeze as usual, and the more I talk to her the more I realize just how silly she is. I love my mama!

Mom: "Have you ever seen someone and just want to smack the piss out of them?"

Me: "What!? Mom, you are on your gangsta lately"

Mom: "Child! I'm not in a gang!!"

Me: "That's not what I mean. But anyway, why do you want to smack someone?"

Mom: "Cuz she knows better than to walk in church with her big booty and huge mammy titties hanging out. That's the house of the Lord honey. The LORD. You don't dress like that. No damn home training"

Me: "I hear you. But isn't it just as bad to want to smack someone in His house?"

Mom: "This ain't bout me *laughs*"

Me: "Yes ma'am."

Mom: "Looking like Lacey Lottalumps the stripper or something. Like she left the club and went straight to church without changing."

Me: "Lacey Lottalumps? What in the world???"

Mom: "Yup. Her lacey bra was showing and she had a lotta lumps. You know cottage cheese type cellulite and stuff. I know it's not right to talk about people like that. But can you cover it up for a little while? Damn, at least wait till my breakfast is digested before you show that stuff off like that."

Me: "Wow. Just wow mom."

My mom is a damn fool sometimes, but ya can't help but love her. Anyhoo, hope yall had a good weekend! What'd you get into??

Fill in the blanks

2007-08-23T09:23:00.000-04:00

I jacked this from Ms. Behavin...

1. I love... my life, my family, my friends, my D, and most important God.

2. Right now I want... to yank the nassssty lookin weave out of my co-worker's hair

3. I feel like... I want to go shopping.

4. I hate it when... my mother cries. I've only seen it happen 3 times that I can remember, and each time it tore me up.

5. I fear... dying and everyone's too busy to notice or care.

6. I'm lonely without... music. I don't mind being physically alone as long as I can listen to some good music.

7. I need... to find a job that's better able to engage my mind. Or better yet, quit and start my own business.

8. Today I... will probably go look at bridesmaids dresses after work with L.

9. Tomorrow I'm... not going to have to sleep alone. I hate police officers' overnight schedules!

10. I just... paid my cell phone bill.

11. I want to meet... Nelson Mandela.

12. I'm hungry for... grapes.

13. I love it when... D plays with my hair.

14. I'm afraid of... large crowds. I can't stand being in a packed concert venue and I can't see the doors.

15. I'm listening to... My client's phone menu options.

16. I'm wearing... gray pantsuit with burgundy blouse and burgundy peep toe shoes.

17. I wish I was in... my pj's wrapped up on a blanket on the sofa watching talk shows.

18. I'm craving... Hot chocolate. It's the end of August. That's a problem.

19. I want to get... closer to God.

20. I can... see someone getting a speeding ticket from my office window.

21. I can't... resist playing with my nieces and nephews.

22. I have... been able to forgive people when I probably shouldn't have.

23. I haven't... visited my grandparents' gravesites in over a year. I miss them too much to dig up the memories.

24. I'm too nervous to... tell my boss that her skirt is stuck in her pantyhose right now.

25. My Mom thinks/thought I was... going to be her problem child during my teen years, but is so proud of the woman I've become

26. My Dad thinks I'm... one of his own biological kids. (I consider my stepdad to be my dad)

27. My liver... Is probably still mad at me for those 8 shots in a row of 151 I did back in college.

28. I'm most happy when... I tap dance.

29. I'm sad when... people mistreat children.

30. I like eating... yup, I sure do!

31. I hate eating... cauliflower, cuz it makes my teeth feel funny.

32. I love watching... reality TV and home design shows.

33. I love listening to... music.

34. I like playing... Madden Football.

35. I hate waking up to... the sound of my alarm clock.

36. I can see... that it's time for me to make some professional changes.

37. I'm glad that.... my favorite websites are not blocked @ work.

38. I'm disappointed that... my mom just found out she has diabetes. She knew better than to keep throwing down on the candy. But I still love her more than life.

39. I look like... I need a nap.

40. I wish I looked like... how I look when it's time to go home.

Dem Days

2007-08-22T09:09:00.000-04:00

I woke up feeling froggy this morning. Came to work wearing glasses instead of contacts--I usually only wear glasses at home or in chill mode. Dressed just regla'. Yeah, one of dem days. Not in a bad mood, not really in a great mood. Just ehh. It's raining and gray. All of that. I prolly should have stayed in bed this morning.

Actually, I know I should have. Cuz this morning, I really didn't care what came out of my mouth. You know, cuz I'm feeling kinda ehh. So what did my bright self go and do? When my boss came around to say 'good morning, how are you?' to everyone on the team, I kinda told her about herself and this team that we have.

Me: "I'm fine, but this team is a different story. There is so much catfighting and infighting going on that we've lost sight of the actual goal. Bitches (YUP, that shit slipped out my mouth!!) acting like they're supervisors when we all have the same damn title--Analyst. Not Jr., not Sr., sho' nuff not Executive. Nope. Just Analyst. That's what we ALL are on this team. So I'm letting it be known that if one jumps ugly at me and tries to tell me what to do again or gives me some attitude, I will NOT tolerate it. And YOU as a manager, should be doing a better job of watching your team so you know this mess is going on rampant. You should be mediating the problem."

Boss: "Ummm...Natasha...."

Me: "Look. I know I'm sorta quiet around these parts, but I do give a damn about what I do. And the people who are telling me how to do it don't give a damn and they're incompetent also. They couldn't make a decision on their very own if their jobs depended on it. Little lab rats running around dressed as supervisors. How you gonna tell me to use common sense when I have a question?? I guess that's cuz you don't have an answer of your own and your little training manual can't help. Lemme tell you...this job is a whole lot more complex than that lil piece of traning manual"

Boss: "We will have to discuss this later"

Me: "I'll set up a meeting with you then through Outlook"

Boss: "That sounds good. I'm so glad you're passionate about your job. We need that around here. You are really an asset to the team"

Ok, I'm confused now. I just got all over my boss cuz I'm slightly cranky, mostly "ehh", and under caffeinated. But she's taking that as a good thing, and I still have a job. Understand though, that the way I spoke to my boss is the culture here. If you don't speak up like that, you will get run over. I know some people would look at that and be like "Umm damn, that's waaaay unprofessional, Tasha. You know better than to act like a pissy 8 year old". Yup, it sure was unprofessional, cuz I work in an unprofessional locale. It's real gangsta here. Sometimes here you have to be a little rude to get what you need. Just don't ask. But that's another reason I need to get the hell out.

Uggh. Yeah, dem days.

I Do NOT Apologize For My Happiness

2007-08-20T12:47:00.000-04:00

I talk about D a lot because he makes me happy and I love what we've created together and I'm looking forward to whatever comes our way--good or bad. My life is good all around, even though I have a job that I sometimes can't stand. I'm blessed in every aspect of my life, from my manicure down to my pedicure and everything internally and externally. My world is beautiful even when the sky is gray, even when I'm going through it and want the tears to go away. I'm happy. Period. And for that, I do NOT apologize. I don't care if my happiness appears saccharine to you, I don't care if you think I'm bragging. Hmmmm and while I'm on bragging...why is it bragging if I talk about something good, but if it's something sad or not great, I'm bearing my soul? Dammit, souls have good sides too.

All the things I've been through in my life don't entitle me to happiness, they only enhance it because I can appreciate happiness more because I know firsthand what it's like to live in misery. I've done people wrong, I've hurt them, and I accept responsibility for that, but that doesn't mean that I have to live my life in tears and sadness.

I've never been one to sit around and wait for happiness to come and roll up on me. I just don't understand how a woman can do that. Go find what puts that smile IN you, not just on your face. No man, no job, no thing can really make you happy until you're happy with yourself. You'll complain about the man, complain about the job, complain about the car, the shoes, the house even if they're the best in the world because you *ahem* ain't happy wit yaself. See, I'mma be happy whether I'm with D or without him. I'mma be happy whether I'm riding high in my corporate job or slangin' burgers at McD's. I'mma be happy whether I'm riding in a brand new whip or if I'm on the bus. I'mma be happy whether I'm in the house I own or if I lay my head on a cot at a homeless shelter. I'mma be happy. Period.

I don't apologize for my joy making anyone uncomfortable. I don't apologize for it making anyone angry. I don't apologize for being one of God's children. I don't apologize for knowing how to keep my head up when the world is trying to bring me down. Talk shit about me, be my friend. Be mad cuz I chose not to make you my man, be my husband. It doesn't matter, cuz I'm happy. Period. And for that I do NOT apologize.

Here's a picture of my D when he was fighting over in Afghanistan--yup he makes me happy, only cuz I was happy with me before there was a 'we':

He's the one on the bottom left side in the shades, the only black dude in the pic, LOL.

**Shouts to the troops still over in that region. We owe you!**

Friday Flashback

2007-08-17T09:46:00.001-04:00

It's Friday and Payday! YAY!! I'm trying to figure out what happened to these boys. It's Another Bad Creation's "Iesha":

What are you up to this weekend? My parents are coming to visit, so I'll be chilling with them. It'll be the first time my step dad has seen me and D's place, so I'm kind of excited or something like that. Whatever you do, have fun and be blessed!

A La Bella Noire PSA

2007-08-17T09:05:00.001-04:00

On 1969's blog yesterday, she had a PSA about anonymous comments (I'm too lazy to link the post, so visit her from my side bar). I also want to add to that. When you leave frequent anonymous comments on someone's blog haranguing and harassing and insulting them on one topic (I mean like 8-9 comments in a day type mess), it is considered harassment, which is a crime--usually a misdemeanor, but in some places a felony. If done across state lines, then it can become a federal matter. You can try to hide your IP address, but it will come to the light because your blog software's records can be subpoenaed.

I'm telling you all this because I had to deal with it myself. I know some of yall saw some of "anonymous"'s comments a few posts back insulting myself and my D, but there were more posts from that person that I deleted. Some of you said that it may be a case of the ex, and you were partially right. Without getting into too much detail, I had to notify the county police where I live because the comments were out of control. The person was hiding their IP address from sitemeter, which I use to track visitors to my blog, but with investigation the IP address, service provider, and the subcriber's name/address/etc has been revealed. The State Police (where this individual currently lives) were also notified through my county police, and I'm currently in the process of trying to get Blogger comment records subpoenaed, because I will be pressing charges. The comments have actually been going on for about 4 months, when this person and I ceased friendly contact. This is potentially a federal legal matter because of the interstate nature of the harassment.

You may think I'm taking this too far, but there are some other facets to the harassment (including threats over the phone that have been recorded) that factored into my decision.

My whole point in explaining all this is that there are other, more grown up ways to air your funk with someone. If you have some beef with the blog writer, take it up with them...don't leave ignorant ass anonymous blog comments, because they can catch up with you in a legal way. You probably never intended on screwing up your life when you try to exact verbal revenge against someone.

Just Stuff...

2007-08-16T09:56:00.000-04:00

Awww hell... The randoms again

-Why when a woman is going through some things on the romantic side and is trying to figure out her place is she a victim and needs love and support, but when a man goes through the same things he's a dog and gets talked about like a piece of shit?

-If you have suspicions that the person you are dating is being less than honest, confront them. Don't try to turn into super-sleuth and go digging behind them for months. And don't let the problem fester for months. It wont get solved either way, and when/if you catch the person doing their dirt, you both look stupid because you were just as bad for spying and snooping. Especially if you know the relationship isn't headed for marriage or is just a fling...leave it alone. You'll end up less bitter in the end.

-If someone decides that they don't want to date you, that doesn't mean you're a bad person. And it gives you no reason to leave f**ked up comments on their blog because you're mad

-I need coffee

-I'm sick to death of seeing black people talk about how they're angry and we all have to fight. But when you ask them what they're fighting for, they have no idea. Why you militant son?

-Having lots of makeup on does not make you pretty

-Just because it's different from you doesn't make it bad

-Religion is NOT the same as having a personal relationship with God.

-Money can't buy happiness, but by looking at some people it apparently can buy a fugged up attitude

-There's a reason why you're 37 and single...you. If you stopped pigeonholing men the way you do and making them all sound like the scum of the earth and like neanderthal preschoolers, maybe one would give your dusty azz a chance.

-Is it mean of me to not give a damn about this girl's baby? She's a witch, and is trying to force her new baby down our throats.

-I can't wait till December--yay Hawaii vacation!

Blogger Block

2007-08-15T09:42:00.000-04:00

I've got blogger block today. Every post I start doesn't look right, so I have a bunch saved in drafts for another day. I'm still on vacation (my couch is almost as good as the beach, lol) so I think my brain is on chill mode too. I'll be trolling around your stuff today, so leave me something good to read. I'm back to work tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll be back in the swing of things then. Enjoy your day yall!

Home again....

2007-08-13T11:40:00.001-04:00

I'm playing hooky from work today. Sad, but I need a mental health day and it's only Monday, LOL. Guess I'll check out what all of you are writing about today. Be blessed!

Friday Flashback

2007-08-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

Something a little different...it's Sade, "The Sweetest Taboo". She's always been one of my favorites:

Happy Friday!!

Adventures in Customer Service

2007-08-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

Ugggh, I'm already not a fan of calling customer service for ANYTHING, but Com.c.ast makes me ill. Granted cable is not a necessary utility, but whatever. It's NFL Preseason and I need my NFL network. Something is wrong with our box, so only about half of the channels that we're supposed to have show up. We just got new service installed over the weekend, so naturally I'm pissed. Of course, it was my job to call the people to rectify the situation...

Customer Service Rep (CSR): Cable company. How can I help you?

Me: I'm calling because over half of our channels aren't coming in.

CSR: What do you mean aren't coming in?

Me: Ummmm...when you turn to a channel, there is no picture and a message saying to call and order that channel. But these channels are part of the package we ordered.

CSR: Well Is your bill up to date?

Me: The service is brand new and was just installed on Saturday. So it can't be past due. Shouldn't you have that information in front of you? I entered the account information on the automated system.

CSR: *Sigh* Well unplug the box for 45 seconds and plug it back in.

Me: Miss. We've already tried that. This is my fourth call. The three previous CSRs tried that and it didn't work. Shouldn't you have that information in front of you? You should be able to see that I called three times before now.

CSR: Are you asking for a credit on your bill?

Me: Did I ask for a credit? No. I want the cable service that I pay for. Maybe you can send a technician out to look at it.

CSR: Ummmm....

Me: ....Ok...

CSR: Ummmm.....

Me: *sigh* Can you send a technician out?

CSR: I can issue a $20 credit on your bill.

Me: Great. That's wonderful. Now what about getting my channels working properly?

CSR: Ma'am can you unplug your box for 45 seconds and plug it back in?

Me: If it didn't work the first three times, what makes you think it will work now?

CSR: Oh, you called about this problem before?

Me: Let me speak to your supervisor.

CSR: I should be able to assist you.

Me: Right. You should be able to, but you're not. Let's make this easy for the both of us. Can you send a technician out to look at it? My God, I switched back to yall from the dish for this?!

CSR: Thursday between 1:30-3:30

Me: Is that when the technician will come?

CSR: Friday between 8-12

Me: Are these the available times? Thursday is fine.

CSR: Ok. Thursday then. Is that all?

Me: Can I get a phone call to confirm the appointment?

CSR: Say what now?

Me: Nevermind.

CSR: Oh yeah, someone will call you Thursday to confirm the appointment.

Me: Thanks. You have a good evening.

Well at least I get to take the afternoon off from work to go deal with this. I hope for the love of everything good we can start bringing our customer service people back into the USA. This whole outsourced bit is killing me. I try to avoid calling toll-free numbers as much as possible because I know I'll usually end up in some ridiculous converstaion just to get a basic question answered.

Do you have any ridiculous customer service stories? Get at me in the comments

It takes a village

2007-08-08T09:30:00.000-04:00

Last night while D was arguing with someone who left some ignant azz comments on my blog, I was IMing one of my nieces. She's 18, just graduated from high school and will be taking some classes at the community college in the fall while she decides what path she wants to take.

She's a great girl with a good head on her shoulders, but at the doing of her mother, she's very naive about the ways of the world. Her mother (my step sister) has refused to allow her to watch movies where there may be sex and the mention thereof. She also refused to allow her to participate in sex ed in school and won't discuss the subject with her kids (she also has a 16 year old boy and a 15 year old girl). If a movie is on at my house or wherever they may be, she will cover their eyes if there is kissing or anything remotely gratuitous or salacious. That's always been a point of contention between my step-sister and I. She's even asked that D and I refrain from hugging or sharing a quick kiss here and there while in the presence of her children.

Well during our IM convo, she came HARD with the questions. She, and a lot of my other nieces and nephews, have always come to me when they need real answers and non-judgemental support. That's just how it is. I guess since I'm the youngest aunt, I'm the cool one, lol. I'm just grateful they feel comfortable coming to me. Anyway, she's had this boyfriend for about 6 months now and she's had to hide the relationship from her mother. Every boyfriend she's had she's had to hide or introduce as a "study partner" or "lab group member". She's come to me and D trying to figure out how to hide the fact that they really like each other. I don't really condone hiding relationships like that, but in her situation I understand. If her mother knew that they're dating, she'd have a conniption. Because she won't allow her kids to date until age 21. We know the guy and he's a GREAT kid. He's in college locally making good grades, has a job, strong family, strong faith, great morals...all the things you can only wish your daughter to find. We've allowed them to come with us to the movies and bowling--under the guise of "group outings". At the movies we'll let them sit together and we'll go find our own seats--I remember being 18 and wanting some modicum of privacy. For that she's truly grateful.

Last night, she started asking about the emotional side of relationships, love, and sex. About a year ago, I had to explain all of the biological stuff to her, because she was really out in the wilderness of ignorance. I guess her mother figures if they don't know, they won't participate. Anyhoo, she told me that she's definitely not ready to have sex, but she wanted to know about the good, bad, and ugly feelings that sometimes accompany a relationship. She said she tried to ask her mother about that stuff, but was cut off before the first question could get out of her mouth with "This is not up for discussion. No sex." Poor baby. I answered honestly, and gave her the rundown of maintaining your worth and dignity, as well as how to spot a player and beat him at his game. She was so grateful to have this information, and said that the information I've given has kept her from being in the same spot that a lot of her friends are in. I guess I'm doing something right.

My step sister was a teen mother, and doesn't want to see her kids end up the same way so she shelters them from everything, even at the detriment of their personal growth. I understand her intentions, but I believe that sometimes shielding them from the world will backfire. Not just for her, but in general. How many times have you seen young people who are completely ignorant to the ways of the world end up pregnant too young or worse because they weren't armed with the correct information to be able to protect themselves. I understand not wanting to let your babies grow up, but at some point you have to make sure that they can function sucessfully in this world we live in. Sure, some lessons you do have to learn the hard way or learn from experience, but sending them out into the world unprepared is just as bad as sending them out with information overload and bad examples to follow. An ignorant mind is easily polluted. They will listen to the first person they think they can trust and end up in a situation they can't get out of.

I know I can't do everything for everyone, but I hope at least being the "cool aunt" and answering questions will help someone

The Comment Box

2007-08-07T19:50:00.001-04:00

The comment box is out of control lately with all the crazy azz comments. Not just on my blog but on a number of others' as well. *Ding Ding Ding* Everybody back to your corners.

That is all.

In the Upper Rooooom

2007-08-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Sweet Elderly Church Lady,

Thanks so much for stopping me as I was walking into the grocery store yesterday to examine my religious beliefs. It's so nice of you to look after my soul. But let me break a few things down to you.

I wasn't doing the Holy Ghost dance as you were reading scriptures to me. That was the Pee Pee dance. I was trying to run into the store to the restroom and then do my shopping. That's why I was crying. Well, that and your perfume was choking me to death. I'm not sure if your olfactory sense has been damaged, but when it's 95+ degrees outside with a humidity/heat index of 100+, it's not a smart idea to douse yourself in potpourri scented eau de parfum. The heat intensifies the smell. Maybe that's your plan, to allow your way-flowery smell to rangle people into submission?

It's not nice to tell perfect strangers that they're going to Hell in a handbasket. I'm pretty sure that your religion dictates that you not do that. I know I do some things that don't tickle your fancy--like working outside of the home and cussing like a sailor sometimes, but I'll let the "big rulemaker" decide where I spend eternity and if I go there in a basket or not.

I'm a bit of a germophobe. I don't like people I don't know to touch me, so don't take it personally that I swatted your hand out of my face. Where I'm from, when people put their hands in someone's face, something is about to pop off. You didn't have to bring my mother into it and say, "your mother must not have taught you how to act like a lady". That's where you messed up. Don't talk about my mama. I don't care who or how old you are. So again, don't take it personally that I called you a 'fuckin flaming crazy ass old bitty'. You really caught me at a bad time.

Again, I'm sorry that our encounter was less than pleasant. Really, I am. But a word of advice--don't approach the girl who's running toward the door sweating from the nasty muggy weather with the angry black woman face. It's not a good idea.

Peace and blessings,

Tasha

Monday Randoms...

2007-08-06T09:23:00.000-04:00

The random rant-type ish on my mind this morning....

-I have a foul mouth today, my apologies in advance.

-It's about to be on like Donkey Kong in this office plantation place today. This girl who rubs me ALL kinds of wrong is back from maternity leave today. Who the f**k only takes 2 weeks because they LOVE their job (which they swear up and down they're over qualified for)?? And they moved her seat right over next to my cubicle. My co workers know that I will walk out this bitch if she says something wrong to me. Her and I, as well as her and several other co-workers have had som nasty run ins. Jesus, take the wheel.

-Why does my "big boss" insist upon calling me Tashie? I hate that shyt and I've already corrected her a bunch of times. Tashie? Seriously, WTF is a Tashie?? That sounds like a Poke.m.on character. Tashie and Pika-damn-chu. Cute, right? I'm a grown azz woman, don't call me something you'd call your 4 year old child.

-The weekend is two days long. Every week. Saturday and Sunday. That's just how it is. 52 weekends a year, all have 2 days. We all know this. So there is no reason for you to come up in the office like you do EVERY damn Monday and say..."Ugh. I wish the weekend were longer!"

-It's not okay to go to the BBQ place and order 2 slabs of ribs, mac and cheese, and some BBQ chicken for yourself when you weigh 400+ lbs. Me and D went to a yummy BBQ place on Saturday and we saw a bunch of XXXXL people eating large plates of ribs and one was sitting on 2 chairs because she could not fit on one. Go ahead and get your grub on, but at some point you gotta re-evaluate your food choices or at least how much of it goes in your mouth. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help you stay alive bruh.

-Family is the worst to lend money to. I loaned my niece $500 in December. She was supposed to pay it back this weekend, but came up with some sob story about how she had to buy a tire for her man's car. UMMMM, riiiiiight. That's why you have a brand new Ka.te Sp.ade bag on your shoulder. Next up on the People's Court...

-Ex-girlfriend...stop emailing my dude. I really don't care if you're friends and still close with the family. It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah I said it. I tried to stifle it, because I know that there's nothing going on (and I have spies EVERYWHERE...yes honey, even at your job). But the fact that you feel the need to contact him that often bothers the hell out of me. Oh and stop trying to be a f**king hero to everyone, and be one to yourself and do yourself a favor. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. People don't appreciate someone who's always got something to prove. You have a GREAT job and a GREAT family. Be proud. You've already proven enough. And please, let him go. One of yall needs to respect MY feelings in this and cut the umbilical cord.

-So R. Kelly finally got a trial date. Let's see how that shit plays out.

-It's 10AM and I need a drink. I see what kind of week this is going to be.

-You are not my mama. Bitch, I am a grown ass woman. DO not, and I repeat DO NOT tell me how to live my life when your shit is the most fucked up, foul azz, convoluted shit in the world. I may be young, but I am far far from ignorant. I have seen and done more stuff in my 24 and a half years than you will EVER do in the rest of your rusty azz days. Bacdafuccup heifer.

-You triflin azz piece of woman. YOU are the reason why you can't get ahead in life. The hard work it takes to get promoted and move up the corporate ranks doesn't involve being on your knees or on your back. Yeah, you got the supervisor position because you put in that work, but you lost the position two months later because we all saw how much of a piss poor leader you are.

-Maryland and New Jersey, please revamp your driver's license requirements. You keep spitting out drivers that really can't hold their own on the road.

-You can't get a good man because you are a piece of shit woman. You put your pussy needs ahead of your children and let them suffer so you could "get yours". NO man wants to be associated with that for the long haul. Please get to talking to Jesus ASAP.

-Bed, how I long to be with you this morning. It was a harsh break up this morning, I know with the alarm clock blaring and my scared azz jumping up like a fool. I promise, it'll be better next time...

Friday Flashback

2007-08-03T09:18:00.000-04:00

This has alwasy been one of my favorites. It's "Rebirth of Slick (cool like dat)" by Digable Planets. I get sooo mad when Michael Baisden effs it up on his radio show, lol.

Happy Friday!!!

Prayerfully...

2007-08-02T09:49:00.001-04:00

No post today. Instead, just a reminder to say a prayer for the people affected by the Minneapolis bridge collapse yesterday. Also, if you can, please donate to the American Red Cross to help the victims and their families. Ray, my friend in Minneapolis (he is okay thankfully) has instructions on how to do so.

Ask Me

2007-08-01T08:59:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks, I've been getting a lot of emails from people asking me for advice and/or my opinion on a subject. Great. I'm not 'Dear Abby', so I'm sure my advice is kinda crazy at times, but I do my best to answer unbiased and honestly. I got permission from a few people to post their questions and my answers, so here goes...

"Dear Tasha,
Maybe you can help me here. I'm inspired by the love you and D have for each other, and I'm trying to find a good guy to settle down and build a life with as well, but am not having much luck. I'm a 26 year old African-American female with no children. I work out regularly, dress nicely, wear nice makeup and perfumes, keep my hair up, and just always look put together. I also am VERY independent, educated, and have a good job that pays well. Why do you think I'm batting zero? -K.R."

Hi K.R., thanks for the kind words about D and myself. I'm glad you're inspired by us, but please don't try to be us--what works for us might not work for everyone. Anyway, you say you always look put together but I have to ask...are you really put together or do you just look like you are? If you're not really put together, then you're just putting on a front for the world. Real, good men like a real, good woman. So that doesn't mean you need to air your issues out for all to see, but understand that a REAL man is more interested in what's going on in her heart and her mind than he is in how put together she looks. Trust me, the man that's worth keeping won't mind if your hair is out of place every now and again. Also, you wrote nothing about your character traits, but you have a laundry list of your appearance "greats". If you focus on your looks and your "have it together" act to the exclusion of other traits, then you come off as pretensious, stuck up, shallow, and unapproachable. What's good is it if you look good but no one wants to be near you because you have a jacked-up attitude (or look like you have one)?

Yes it is true that most men respect and adore women who are confident in themselves and are assertive and don't mind working hard to get what they want, but they don't like a woman who is so independent that she seems to have no use for him. A man likes to feel wanted and needed sometimes. Yes, be strong and handle yours, but don't play that "independent woman" card so hard that it backfires on you and leaves you all alone.

I also want you to ask yourself what you would bring to a relationship. What besides your independence, education, and good looks? Are you loyal? Are you honest? Are you able to leave your emotional baggage at the door? If you're unable to answer those essential types of questions, then you will continually attract men who don't have answers to those questions (in regards to themselves) either.

Be aware of what vibes you're putting out in the world and don't limit yourself. Be the very best YOU that you can be and continue to work on and love yourself, and the right man will come to you.

-Tasha

"Dear Tasha,
I'm all caught up with these three men. Girl I'm trying to get my life figured out cos I want to get married and have some babies. But I'm in a bad triangle. I met this dude at the club and we get along good but I'm not feelin him like that. we have raw sex often and i don't want to stop that because it's good. but I don't want tos string him along either cos I'm not feeling him like i said. And there's another guy who I like alot but he's emotionally unavailable and he doesn't know i like him. Im' afraid to tell him so. We've had raw sex a few times and I'm scakred he thinks I'm a hoe. And this other guy is just sexual. He makes me feel so free in bed. I like the second guy a lot but I think I messed up my chance. What do I do? Help me. -T.N."

Ummm. Wow. This is going to sound harsh, but let me start with saying CLOSE YOUR LEGS so you can clear your mind. Why are you having sex with all these men? I'm all for having your fun, but sleeping around the way you are will get you sick or worse. If you're going to continue to behave like that I beg you to use protection!! Condoms are cheeeeap and if you go to certain places, they're free. USE THEM. Demand that much respect, because you're not doing a good job demanding it otherwise.

Also, instead of opening your legs, try opening your mouth. If you don't like the first guy from the club in a romantic way, then tell him that. The sex will probably dry up, but that's what you need right now anyway. Ok, so you lose good dick...so what. I'd rather have my self-respect than good dick anyday. You can get some AA batteries and some astroglide to replace that. With the second dude, how do you know he's emotionally unavailable? Seems like you're just going on fear. If you have a grown up conversation with him, you might find out that he likes you but was feeling awkward about your sexual encounters. Just be a woman and let him know how you feel.

The third guy...I can't tell you what to do with that. But if you're looking for marriage, he's going to have to go at some point. If you're woman enough to have your fun while you're dating, then do that and just make sure you do it safely. I will club that BE SAFE message over your head with a baseball bat if I have to. I don't want to see another unwanted baby or HIV victim.

The best thing I can tell you to do in the meantime is to sort out what you really are looking for in a relationship. If it's the second guy, go for it, but keep your legs closed so sex doesn't cloud your judgement. Remember, a woman will only get as much respect from a man as she demands from him. If you act like a hoe, he will treat you in kind. If you act like a classy lady and explain your needs like a real woman, he will treat you as such.

I'll be praying for you.

-Tasha

OK...if yall have anything to add or if you completely disagree with what I said, get at me in the comments!

Why??? Vol. 1

2007-07-31T10:10:00.001-04:00

WHY?
I go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and every evening that I'm there I see the same chick doing the same stupid mess. She goes into the locker room and puts on a FULL face of makeup--I'm talking pancake foundation and all. She then proceeds to spend about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine, heads to do some weight training, then onto the treadmill or bike. She sweats like a man, so by the time she's done, her face looks like a Picasso painting with all the color smeared everywhere. She also douses herself in Bur.ber.ry Brit perfume before she begins her workout, and her "scent" wafts all over the gym. A few times she put entirely too much on and I had to end my workout early because the smell gave me a headache.

WHY?
Call me spoiled or whatever, but I get my nails done every two weeks and get a pedicure once a month. All year, not just in the summer time. The last 3 times that I've been in for a pedicure, this woman has been there with her son who appears to be about 4 or 5 years old--definitely old enough to understand "NO" and "STOP". All 3 times, while the woman was getting her pedicure, her darling son turned on the water in the empty pedicure chairs and started splashing around like he was at home. The nail techs tried to be nice and asked him to stop, but he kept splashing and dumping their products into the water. The mother just said, "Adam, stop it. That's not nice. Those aren't your things." All this, rather than just packing a book and some toys for him or better yet, leaving his azz at home with dad or a babysitter. My mother would have gotten up from the pedicure chair, feet half done and proceeded to whoop my behind in front of everyone if I had tried some crap like that.

WHY?
I drive to work everyday now. I used to have the option of taking Metro a few days a week, but where we live dictates otherwise. Almost every morning, I encounter atrocious driving from the other people on the road. Now, I'm not going to act like I'm the best driver in the world, cuz hey I make mistakes too, but I'm in a league of my own compared to a few people out there. A lady who lives in the same complex that I do takes the same road to work, so I usually see her at some point during my commute. Every time I see her, she makes the WORST errors. She just changes lanes all willy nilly without looking to see what's in the lane next to her, she will slam on her brakes on the highway if she senses that she's going too much over the speed limit, she'll cross over 4 lanes of traffic at 85 mph just to get to her exit all while having a copy of her novel laid on her steering wheel/lap. I asked her about hre antics once and she said that she really doesn't pay much attention to the other drivers, just what she's doing. Ummm. No. Not a good idea.

Volume 2 coming soon

Victimize Me

2007-07-30T09:03:00.000-04:00

This weekend, D and I went out with a few of our friends and ended up having an interesting conversation. One of the couples we were out with were talking about a lady they know who is a single mother raising 5 kids on her own, none of whom have the same father mind you, and she is struggling, so they feel sorry for her and want to help her by buying the kids' school supplies. We definitely know their hearts were in the right place, because lawd knows it's hard out there for a single mama--I was raised by one, so I do know first hand.

But D and one of the other girls (who is a 4th grade teacher) both brought up the same valid point. They wondered why when a woman sleeps around without children, she's a ho' but then if she does the same and has kids by a bunch of men, she's a victim because she's a single mom. In all honesty, I have to wonder the same thing.

I've seen it happen more often than I'm really comfortable with. I'm using one woman in particular to illustrate my point. This girl, who's about 3 years younger than me, started out in the youth choir at church, etc etc but as she grew into a young woman she fell hard from grace. She started sleeping around with people in the church, slept with a few married men, and was seen at the "clinic" being treated for 'that stuff'; basically acting like much less than a lady. The church women had LOTS to say about her--"that child ain't nothing but a hoochie now", "can't nothin' but prayer save her behind now", "both her and her mama should be shamed, with her actin like a slut!", and so on and so on.

She came back to church a few months later with a pregnant belly. The church women were still wary of her, but softened a bit in their words to her. She gave birth and had a hard time financially like most any single parent would. But five months later, she showed up pregnant again. When asked if the babies had the same father, she put her head down in shame. The church women of course stood by her side, allowing her to take comfort in them. Six months after that baby was born, she had an abortion (my mom was her nurse at the office where the procedure was done)--different dude this time. Three and a half months later, back at the same office looking in my mom's face again to have another abortion--different dude. Five months later, back in the SAME office in my mom's face yet again, but this time with a miscarriage--different dude. Seven months later, at the ripe old age of 22, she walks back in church belly pregnant AGAIN. Different Dude. This time a collection was taken up in church to help her buy baby stuff, complete with the woe is me sob story. My mother was speaking to the church women who were sticking up for the girl and explained to them how she came into her office more than twice, and all the women could say was, "She's just a victim of her environment. She doesn't know better."

How is it that she has three babies, and is suddenly a victim of her environment? She was participating in the same behavior as before she became a mother. But she was a ho' then, and is a victim now. The only victims in that situation are her children.

Now don't get me wrong, single parents do have it rough. It's difficult to raise a child with help from no one but yourself. But my sympathy wanes when a woman is voluntarily repeatedly putting herself in that situation. Opinions aside though, the question raised was valid. Why does having a child make a (former?) hoe a victim even when she continues the same behavior patterns?

I wish I had an answer for that. What's your take on it? Get at me in the comments.

Sunday Scripture

2007-07-29T11:29:00.000-04:00

"Curds and honey he shall eat that ye may know to refuse the evil and choose the good"
Isaiah 7:15

Remember to praise Him always through the good and the bad.

Friday Flashback

2007-07-27T08:50:00.000-04:00

Do you ever sometimes wonder what happened to your favorite singers? I got to wondering about this group a while back and why they never did another upbeat song. Anyway, it's Boyz II Men, "Motownphilly"

Happy Friday!!

Adjectives do not make the man

2007-07-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks everyone for all the kind words over the last few days. I'm thankful for each and every one of you and your comments. They've really meant so much. I'm feeling better now, and am getting out of my funk one day at a time, stronger every day.

I have to say though, a lot of you mention that D is a good dude, and I couldn't agree more. But that got me thinking about this whole good dude concept. There's been a lot of "talk" around the blogosphere lately about good dudes and the lack thereof and it's really got me irritated.

I'll probably get blasted for my opinions, but whatever. It is my damn blog after all. Anyway. More often than not, when I ask women what constitutes a "good man", they launch into a litany of adjectives something akin to this:

"He's got to be:

tall

dark-skinned

light-skinned

handsome

college-educated

muscular

well-hung

financially well-off

well-dressed

and so on and so on, etc

That's great, but where are the personality traits? What about how he treats you and how he makes you feel? What is he about? What causes does he really support? What are his views about God and spirituality? It's not enough to just ask does he go to church. How was he raised? Who raised him? Last time I checked, those things were more important than how muscular he is.

Too many times I've seen women who basically walk around with a list of adjectives that a man must resemble in order for her to date him. Enter a real good dude who treats her like a queen and does nothing but enhance her life mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But his adjectives don't match the ones on her list. He's automatically crossed off the list and tossed to the curb. He's put into the category of a "he ain't shit" man, and she continues going around bitching about how there's no good men out there. The good ones that might fit 90% of her adjective list pick up on her shallow, negative, judgemental attitude and dismiss her. So those men become "he ain't shit" men as well--because they don't want her. God forbid someone not find her to be the best woman going, right. God forbid someone think she have an unattractive attitude.

So finally someone convinces her to go on a date with someone that doesn't quite match her list of required adjectives. Let's say he doesn't have a white-collar job, but is instead a Metro train driver. She likes him okay, but she writes him off as well because he doesn't manage expense accounts at work. "He can't do nothin' for me", she says, trying to take comfort in her list of must-haves.

But let me tell you, a list of adjectives does not make a man. Rarely will the "one" fit that list perfectly. Yes, please have standards, but be open to the possibiilty. How do I know? Because I was the one with that list. Before I opened myself up to the idea that my good dude may not be a mirror-image of me in terms of career or anything else, I swore that most men "weren't shit" and that very few "could do anything for me". But then I changed my thinking because I realized that trying to find a man that matched my adjective list was preventing me from being a good me so I didn't attract many good dudes to begin with.

My good dude, D, doesn't really match the list I had in mind. He's not college-educated; he instead went to the Army after high-school and then off to Afghanistan to fight for my freedom. He doesn't wear a suit and tie to work; instead he wears a gun, nightstick, handcuffs, and does his job from a police cruiser. He doesn't have a gold AmEx card; instead he has 2 regular Visa cards and he's the most financially responsible man I know and manages his well. He doesn't have a huge house; instead we have a comfy apartment and is preparing to buy a townhouse. He's nothing that I thought I wanted, but everything that I need and has turned out to be everything that I really want.

My whole point is, before you start writing men off as no good because they don't fit your perfect little list, take a closer look. The good dude might just be the one you let slip away or the one you're trying to distance yourself from now. Keep your standards, not a list of adjectives. I promise, good will come.

Sigh

2007-07-23T09:13:00.000-04:00

My soul hurts today. I've been crying since Saturday and I've just finally been able to get myself together enough to go to work. I, like most people, have always dealt with the little voices of doubt and negativity in my head. But this weekend those voices became deafening, and their volume shattered the glass eggshell that covers my soul.

For basically my whole life, I've faced and triumphed over a lot of adversity. I never really let myself process a lot of those things, I just stuffed the memory down and kept it moving. But in so doing, the little negative voices moved in. When I was busy in my life, like when I was in school full time and working full time and dancing 6 days a week and still in competitions, I could basically block them out. But when things were calm and less busy, blocking them was not as easy. Somehow I managed to not be knocked down completely and thrown into a life-long chronic depression because of all of that, but I was lucky.

Right now, my life isn't as busy as it was a few years ago. I'm on summer break from grad school, work is okay, and I have a great drama-free home life with D and my family and friends. So in my quiet days, the negative talk has gotten so loud. And now I have more than enough time and opportunity to really think about the things I've gone through and examine the old bruises to my psyche. And let me tell you, they are many. They've healed over pretty well, but I got the proverbial beat-down harder than I thought. My self-confidence slipped out of my grasp over the years, slow enough that I didn't notice it until it was almost gone. When now, I look at myself and I see a broken glass with cracks in it that no one bothered to have fixed.

I finally explained it all to D, and he listened and he cried right along with me. Rather than be shaken by my fragility or scared off by my heaving sobs, he held me and told me that it's time for me to be healed. But before I can be repaired, I need to give myself a chance to hurt since I've never really done that before. So he told me to let myself feel the searing pain that I've managed to stuff so far down and cry it out. And it feels good to finally let it all out and stop pretending that I'm not affected. I hid all of that away from most men, because I was afraid they wouldn't know how to deal with it, but I'm lucky this time.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense to any of you, but just know that I'm hurting, but I'll be alright. The fun will be back soon!

Friday Flashback

2007-07-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

Yall know about my undying love for old school Michael Jackson, right? Well, if you didn't, you do now. So here's one of my favorites, just because I can. It's "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough".

Happy Friday!

I Been Taggededed

2007-07-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

Ms. BkDiva tagged me. It was harder than I expected to think of 8 random azz things about myself, so umm... here goes I guess:

Rules-
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Just The Facts, Ma'am~

1. When I eat sandwiches, I rip them into little pieces and then eat the pieces. I can't just bite into it. This goes for hamburgers too. The only time I eat a sandwich normally is if it's a sub.

2. I am deathly afraid of sheep. When I moved in with D, the route I was taking to work had me passing a sheep farm. I had to change that QUICKLY.

3. It's hard to make me angry, but if you do and you see a tear come out of my eye, go the other way. It's gonna be bad for everyone in my path

4. At 5'7", I'm the shortest member of my family. My mom is 6'1", my dad is 6'3", my brother is 6'5", etc etc. Even my 12 year old niece is taller than me. I can't reach anything in the upper cabinets at my parents' house, so they have a step stool for me.

5. I can't sleep a whole night without my raggie doll. It's about 23 years old now and has been worn down so much that all the stuffing is out of the body. I keep it under my pillow.

6. I can't wear socks that come above my ankles. They have to be those little footie socks, but that little pom pom on the back of some irritates the mess out of me.

7. I am terrified of dying in a nursing home alone. I made D promise that if I lost all of my faculties when I get old that he'd find another place for me to spend my final days.

8. I'm taking a Vietnamese language class so I can understand what the people at the nail shop are saying about people.

I'm not tagging anyone since just about everyone in the blogosphere has done this. If you haven't, feel free to accept the tag and post your randoms.

Day Off

2007-07-18T10:14:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a blogger day off today. Have a good one!

Bridesmaid Blues

2007-07-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

Some people like drama too damn much, so when there isn't any to be found they go and create some. Even at their friends' expense.

I've been engaged for less than a month now, and already people are trying to turn this wedding into some kind of Bridezilla blowup. We haven't set a date for our jaunt down the aisle just yet, let alone ask people to be in the wedding. All we know is that we want a small-ish event since we'll be footing the bill ourselves, and because we're both really low-key people.

Before the "Yes, I'll marry you" was completely out of my mouth, the phone was ringing and our email inboxes were full.

Somebody please tell me how it's okay to email someone and ask that you allow them to be your maid of honor or best man. I've gotten 5 different requests from people that all begin something like this:

"...Tasha, congratulations on getting engaged. I can't wait to see you two as an old married couple. I forgot your fiancé's name, I'll have to look at fac.e.bo.ok again, but he's cute. You're cute too, and I think the wedding will be great! I want to help you plan it!! I have one question, do you think I could be your maid of honor? We've known each other since 1985, so that would be hot to have an old friend in your ceremony. You know, something old something new something borrowed and something blue. Just let me know..."

Poor D has gotten similar emails, just altered to fit the request to be a best man. What.the.piss? You don't go around soliciting maid of honor and best man invites. Damn. We know who we're going to ask to be in those positions already (and have known for years, but we just haven't asked yet), so please stop!

When I turned these people down via phone and via email, a few decided to bad mouth us and say they were going to boycott the wedding. Ummm, fine with us...less $$ for us to pay on your plate at the reception! Seriously though, people are trying to turn this into the W.WE main event. Name calling, sending us almost threatning letters and emails. Calling my mama and telling her that I'm a bad daughter. My lawd, what the hell is wrong with folk? Damn, can we get a month to enjoy being engaged before we get to wedding planning?? My goodness, we're not trying to rush this whole process. Shotgun wedding this is not.

Oh and, we don't need your help planning, cousin Kyren, thanks. Please don't be offended when we turn your offer down. Honey, we saw what you did to your cousin's graduation party, and we would be devastated if the same thing happened to us. Don't bring D's mama into this. Just don't take it there, cuz I will get Bridezilla only if I'm forced into it, and I really don't enjoy being mean.

Can we just keep this drama free?

Customer No Service

2007-07-16T07:05:00.000-04:00

When you go into a fast food restaurant, you don't expect the same level of service that you'd get if you went into a five star place, but you do expect to be treated with some decent level of respect at least.

D and I went to a Pop.ey.es on Saturday and we were both appalled at what happened there. When we walked in the door, the employees were arguing amongst each other, and continued to do so even after they saw us. The girl who served us was like, "Whatchu want?...Bitch, you better stop talking to me like that or I'mma have to step back and smack the shit out of you". No kind of apology to us for acting like that. We ordered our food and she went back to get the order, still cussin and fussin to her co-worker. She was sliding all over the greasy-azz floor acting like home training was a foreign concept to her.

While we were waiting for our order, another employee who appeared to be on break came up to the counter talking on her cell phone. We heard part of her conversation and she said, "...Boo, what you just said messed up my whole high". We looked at her crazy and she still kept on talking. She got what she wanted from the counter and proceeded to go outside and smoke her cigarette. Now, I can't stand cigarette smoke, especially around my food, but she was right outside the entrance door (which was propped open) so her smoke wafted into the establishment. In any normal place, the smokers would be made to light up in the back of the building or near the dumpsters as to avoid that kind of mess.

We waited a good 15 minutes for our food, and watched the employees get into a minor shoving match. D joked and said that if he were in his jurisdiction, he would have arrested them both for assault just to mess with them. Hmmm, wishful thinking I guess. But we finally got our food, and while the girl was ringing us up, she said to another employee, "Kill Yourself. Just go jump off a bridge". What kind of stupid shit is that? And where the hell were their managers?? As we were getting ready to walk out the door, the girl who served us said, "Yall need to leave, cuz I'm sure she's getting on your nerves". I wanted to say so badly, "Noooo honey, you're the one getting on our nerves". But I kept my mouth shut.

Of course when we got home, I went online and filed a complaint. There was no manager around and of everyone working no one could have been over the age of 21. And if you're wondering, yes they were a bunch of us which disappointed me even further.

Seriously, is good service that hard to come by these days? Especially from us? I've come to expect shit-tastic service when I'm dealing with customer service people on the phone, mostly because I know they're not even in the country, but from a group of our own youngins? Come on now. I know those employees would have been fumin' mad if they'd been in our shoes, so I don't know what makes them think that acting that way to the people they serve is okay. Is the concept of respect lacking that much in their homes?

Get at me in the comments, and share some of your horror stories if you'd like.

Friday Flashback

2007-07-13T08:50:00.000-04:00

I was talking to my mom last night and she had this playing in the house, and now I can't get it out of my head. Maybe it'll get stuck in your head too :-) It's Prince & The Revolution "When Doves Cry".

Happy Friday (and happy pay day, lol)! Have a great weekend!!

Prioritize Your Priorities

2007-07-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

When I got home from work last night, I saw one of my neighbors washing his car. That's a weekly occurence, so I didn't think anything of it. But when I got closer, I saw that he was washing a brand new Benz. I was kind of shocked, seeing as his old car was a perfectly good 2001 or 2002 Pathfinder. I asked him what happened to his old car, and he said he just wanted an upgrade. He politely informed me that the new car cost $48,000 and that he's getting new rims and tints on Saturday.

I'm all for upgrading yourself and your situation, but what bugs me is that we live in an apartment complex and most of us there are either young professional single people or young families. Solidly middle class. This is not a luxury condo village, but rather an average apartment complex with average people. His car doesn't really fit in. But more than that, I'm mad cuz I know he doesn't work and is living in his apartment damn near rent free because he's on Section 8 and got in just before the property management changed ownership and stopped accepting residents in that situation. I also know that he's got 4 kids and most definitely isn't pulling his weight in raising them--he's always singing his own praises because he bought diapers for them.

I get so angry when I see the same situation played out over and over again in our community. I hate when I see people that have expensive stuff, but nothing to show for it. In serious debt or worse, just so they can say that 'they're still fly'. You know the type-- eating ramen noodles for a month to pay for rims, etc. Or like the song says, "...quarter tank of gas in my new E class..." Why am I looked at stupid when I talk about investing or saving (at least some of) my money rather than buying something I don't need? Why according to too many black folk is bank a cuss word?

I find it hard to believe that people who have their priorities all effed up really want people to take them seriously. All day they go out of their way to make sure people know that they have this stuff that makes them seem important, but all they're doing is making themselves look foolish. I don't understand how they can get mad when the general public gives them the proverbial side-eye.

I wish I had a better explanantion as to why this phenomenon continues to haunt our people so badly, but I don't. I wish I knew what I could do to change it. *sigh* What do you all think?

Open Letter to My Co-Workers

2007-07-11T09:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Co-Workers,

It's been very ~~nerve-racking~~ interesting working with you all. Most of you are really great people and seem like you're on a good career and personal path. Much respect to you. However, some of you act like you don't know your own ass from a hole in the wall. Please, take what I'm going to say and consider it carefully because I'm not the only one thinking these things, I'm just the only one to call you out. Trust me, this is done with the best of intentions.

Ms. Too Cute, you need to revamp your approach to everything. No one gives a good gotdamn that you're lightskinned. Half black and half Puerto Rican. Good for you. I'm glad you are self confident, but you don't need to rip other people apart to boost your own self esteem. To be quite honest, you're really not that cute. Men only talk to you because your ass is wider than your body and you force it into clothing that's unnecessarily tight. Doing so causes your posterior to look like a painfully bloated stuffed sausage. I've actually heard the dudes at work talk TERRIBLE about you because you've f**ked so many of them. One even said, "Damn, she has the worst hook nose I've ever seen and she has a witch wart on it. Not sexy. I only fucked her because she's lightskinned with a big booty and it was easy game". Ma, set a better example for your young daughter.

Ghettorella, girrrrl. I can't believe your man cheated on you with your mama. That's so triflin. I know you didn't tell me any of that, but I heard your conversations because you talk so.damn.loud. I can hear everything you talk about down to what you're going to do to your boo when you get home. And the gum popping. *sigh*. And the hotplate you brought in to warm up your greens for lunch, that was just pushing it over the edge. You know it doesn't have to be this way right? Black people can, and continue to do better every day. You can escape the ghetto mentality and be free. Take a class or two and maybe you won't struggle with your data entry skills anymore and be able to move up the corporate ladder so you can provide for your 5 kids.

Holly Roller, I'mma need you to stop preaching at people that way. You can't just be telling everyone that they're going to hell because they did something you don't like. Don't tell me I'm living in sin because I engage in *monogamous* premarital sex and live with my guy when you stepped out on your husband and f**ked your pastor. Oh oh oh, AND you got pregnant by said pastor and had an abortion? Yeah girl, I heard about you. I know some of your people outside of work and they let me know 'bout you. And the scripture says "Jesus Wept" not "Jesus Had Cried". I don't care which translation of the Good Book you look in.

The rest of yall, grow the hell up. We are grown azz people forced to work together. There really is no reason to hate on people because they have nicer shoes than you or because she chose to dress up that day. The talking about people supposedly behind their back is not attractive. It makes you look like you're stuck in 7th grade. Get over yourselves. I don't like you because you act younger than my niece in Kindergarten, not because you have long hair. Don't take it there with me. It's a cubicle plantation, not the club. Please dress accordingly. The muffin top hanging over the waistband of your pants is interfering with my ability to eat my real muffin. Cover that shyt up.

Everyday showers are mandatory. If you think you stink, you do. Just shower either before you go to bed or when you get up in the morning. It's not that hard. Four little sylables can help you out: De-od-or-ant.

Supervisors are supposed to be there to supervise, not have sex with their subordinates at lunch. That's all I can say about that.

Again, co-workers you make my professional life more interesting than I ever thought possible. It is my hope that we can overcome these little difficulties and have a fruitful working relationship.

Sincerely,

Tasha

Public Service Announcement

2007-07-10T09:02:00.000-04:00

The following is a public service announcement. It may or may not apply to you.

Disciplining your children is the right thing to do. I don't care what method of discipline you use (just don't beat up on the kids please), but make sure it is effective and you do it consistently.

Some of your children may as well have been extras in "The Children of the Corn". Does the name Damien mean anything to you? Yes, your children. Your adorable little progeny can make Satan himself say "damn, you got some bad azz kids".

There was no need for little Billy to be rummaging around in my shopping cart at the grocery store yesterday. When I asked him to stop, he looked at me like I was a mosquito annoying him. He's too young to be able to give that look to people. Then he had the nerve to take MY stuff out of MY cart and put it on the floor. I got rude then, and he just looked at me like "ok, aaannndd?". That's not cute, people. His azz needs some kind of discipline. When I was that age, my mother had put the fear of God and grown people in my heart so when I did something f**ked up and a grown person gave me that look, it was over. Little Tasha acted right. That's what proper discipline does. Remember, you're his parents, not his playdates.

A few weeks ago, at the mall, your wonderful kind hearted teenage daughter, Emily (I saw her name on her shirt), got in my way and I said "excuse me". She really shouldn't have said "Bitch, who you talkin' to like that? I'm not moving". I know, she's exerting her independence by saying that, right? Is that what your little psychology "how to raise your kids" book says? Look, I don't give a damn about a book. A rusty azz teenager should know by now that you don't talk to adult people like that. After all, we sign her lil measly paycheck from that part-time job you let her get. If you'd disciplined her azz instead of trying to be her best gotdamned friend her whole life, I wouldn't be telling you this right now. And maybe she wouldn't be driving your car without your permission right now. Yeah, I overheard her talking to her friends about that.

Oh, and don't forget your super college graduate son, Steven. He's older than me and is moving back home because he didn't feel like finding a job after graduation and he thinks his landlord is mad at him. He borrowed your Benz and totalled it when he got behind the wheel after a few too many Martinis, but he didn't say sorry. I know you think that he was too shocked to show any remorse, but he really doesn't give a damn because he knows that he will face no repercussions from you. Oh, and he also killed my childhood best friend in that crash. I know it might seem like he's so torn up, but he was laughing at her funeral because he knew that he was going to happy hour that night. You'd make sure to protect him from any legal troubles. After all, that's your boy, and what does discipline have to do with anything right?

Allow me to end my PSA with this: Discipline your kids, or I might have to. I don't have a problem cussing your dear darling children out and telling them about themselves. Nor do I have a problem embarassing a grown azz man who had no boundaries growing up. Oh, and tell little Billy if he puts his lil fat fingers in my shopping cart again that Christmas will be cancelled.

**Lawd, kids irritate the hell out of me sometimes!**

The Homefront

2007-07-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

D and I didn't get back from NY until 11 last night, so him and I both were looking like creatures from the undead this morning. We had a better time than expected, but we're glad to be back. It is always nice to go home though.

On the way up there, we narrowly avoided getting run off the road by a drunk driver. We were in Delaware on 95-N, when some drunk fool came over into our lane without looking to see if there were cars over there. If it weren't for the space near the guardrail, we would have been smashed into oblivion. We knew he was drunk because we saw the empty bud cans in his backseat once we were able to regroup and get past him. We called the state police and gave the tag #, but that was really the best we could do.

We got to my mom's around 3AM and hit the bed hard. This isn't the first time he's been home home with me, but we still laughed about the two of us sleeping in my childhood bedroom. The next morning, he came with me while I got my hair re-braided. He made it the whole 5 hours without complaint, and even garnered a bunch of compliments and a discount from the people doing my hair.

After that, I took him around to meet some more of my home crew, and we drove around to see what's changed over the years. We caught up with a few people and had some laughs and drinks, and all was pretty nice. We ran into my ex, who was looking completely to' up, and dude actually had the nerve to say, "Well, next time you come home I'mma be looking better. I'mma have to step up my game cuz you went to DC and came back all bougie". WTF dude!? D was choking laughing and handed dude a napkin and told him to start with wiping the sweat off his forehead cuz we don't do shiny in the Urrea. I.was.finished. LOL

The rest of the weekend, we got spoiled by my parents and enjoyed lots of mom-cooking. She took us shopping and let us feel like guests in her house rather than grown kids home to visit. Of course all her friends had to stop by to get a good look at D to make sure I'm not making some horrendous life-mistake with him. He got the nosy middle aged woman seal of approval all the way around. Yay, I guess.

The ride home was a nightmare though. We got caught in so much traffic and again almost died on the road. A deer walked out of the woods onto the highway with all the cars doing 70-75 mph. The car in front of us just missed hitting it, but the car next to it wasn't so lucky, so Bambi got f**ked up. ***warning, nasty stuff*** The head bounced off of the top of our car and its innards went flying. We pulled over to check on the guy who hit the animal, and thank God he was okay. His car wasn't too jacked up aside from some side dents and a broken tail light. He was shaken up but able to drive off. Our car was fine, but we had to get it washed obviously because it was hot and we didn't want baked on Bambi stuck to the paint. Gruesome, but it could have been MUCH worse, so we were thanking Him all the way home.

It was a great lil getaway, and I hope you all enjoyed your weekend as well. The cubicle plantation is negatively affecting my soul today...I think happy hour may be in order this evening.

Fake the Funk Friday

2007-07-06T08:48:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, and I'll be at work fakin the funk pretending to be working like a field slave. As soon as I get out of work, D and I are on the road. I'm dragging him to NY to see my mom and to get my braids re-done. I'd get them done in DC, but the only recommendation people give is "The Africans on Georgia Ave". There are 900 different braid places on this one road alone, I need more specifics like maybe the address or how bout a phone number!? But I digress.

It'll be nice to go home for a little while and see some of my people that I haven't seen since Christmas and maybe hit up a cookout or two. The weather today seems great for travelling and BBQ, so I dug up DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince/Will Smith's "Summertime":

Happy Friday, have a great weekend!

Can't Get Right

2007-07-05T09:37:00.000-04:00

I was glad to have yesterday off, but having a holiday tossed in the middle of the week like that kinda threw me off. I'm running all backwards today and just can't seem to get right at all.

I woke up this morning and getting out of bed I managed to trip over my own feet and land face first on the floor. Thank God I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time. Then, off to the shower and I manage to trip stepping in the tub and busted my ass "Honey I've fallen and I can't get up" style. My apologies to the dog. I'm sorry for landing on you.

I managed to make it to the car without much incident, but the car had other plans for me. Me, being who I am, of course set the panic alarm off on the car and had too much stuff in my hands to be able to turn it off quickly. Now, I leave before most of the other people in the complex so of course I saw people looking out their windows at me like I'm a criminal or something. Finally I got the damn thing to shut up and got in the car. Like a fool, I stuck my house keys in the ignition and damn near broke the key trying to get it out.

Got to work in one piece, but already jacked up the coffee machine and had to call IT to get me back into my computer since I locked myself out. Yay Tasha for screwing up passwords!!

I don't know, I'm probably bringing all this on myself since I know Friday is tomorrow and that means the weekend is almost here. I'm completely non-productive, unless you count doing the Sudoku puzzles online as work, lol. Ahh well, can't complain too much...I'm blessed to be alive and working and to have the things I have.

Cliché of the day: Love, Peace, and Hairgrease yall!

Happy July 4th!!

2007-07-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

It's thunderstorming and raining buckets in my neck of the woods, so I'm pretty sure that the fireworks are off for tonight, but I'm still going to cookout and throw a few back with my people. I'll be on grill duty for a while, but then it's time to chill, lol.

Hope you all have a safe and happy 4th! If you're in the Bmore or DC area, it's probably raining so if you're going to the fireworks, bring an umbrella.

Please Warn Me...

2007-07-03T00:33:00.000-04:00

...if you have a nasty azz house.

I spent a good percentage of my younger days in the hood, so I'm no stranger to roaches and what not (NO, they were not in my house). But damn, just because I have experienced it in my past life, doesn't mean you can just sneak that on me. You still need to let somebody know before they come into your home that you have roaches so big they pay rent. Seriously.

I dropped my girl off at her place, which she just moved into with her man. She invited me in for a drink, and I made that bad move and assumed that her house was of reasonable cleanliness. I guess I just figured if you invite someone in, that things must be okay inside. Ummm, no. Hell no. Hell to the nawl even.

I walked in the door and it looked like Hurricane What the Fuck and Tropical Depression Holy Shit had just rolled through there. Clothes and shoes everywhere. I saw a plate of something that kind of resembled the remnants of greens and chicken on the arm of the sofa. There was a slight aroma of feet wafting through the air that made me throw up in my mouth a little. I get a little queasy just thinking about it. *shudder*. This girl is so clean and neat with everything else in her life, I can't believe that she actually moved into this mess, and that she is actually okay with it. I guess love is a sonofabitch, cuz there would have to be lots of it for me to live in that trash.

I wasn't trying to stay long enough to have a drink because as soon as I cleared off some space to sit on the green sofa (it's grey now, ewwww) I saw two of the biggest roaches ever do the slow crawl up the wall. Some big behemoth mofos that looked like they were on anabolic steroids or some shit. I was afraid to smoosh them cuz I know they would have just turned around and tried to cuss me out for interrupting their commute home. I couldn't bring myself to sit down, so I just stood around pretending like I was looking at the art on the wall--which consisted of nothing more than a Scarface poster and one of those "I Have a Dream" MLK, Jr. posters. I looked down at my feet cuz I caught the sight of something moving near my foot, and of course it was a big azz centipede. I 'bout screamed for Jesus then and did the quick one-two step all over that thing.

Her: "Heh heh, sorry I know it's a lil messy in here right now"

Me: (to myself- "A little messy? Are you looking at the same mess I'm looking at?") "It's okay"

Her: "What did you want to drink?"

Me: "I'll take a bottled water to go. I gotta get to the gym"

I wasn't about to sit my behind down and indulge. Nah son. I was not trying to have the cast of "Joe's Apartment" invite me to play Spades with them. From the look in her face, I could tell she understood where I was coming from and tried to laugh it off.

Her: "Ok Tash, I'll call you on Wednesday to see if you want to do something"

I'm not sure I can do that now. I'mma have to spray her azz with Raid, Black Flag, and Off before she comes near me again. And her man, the original owner of the mess...he's just denied period. No access to my house, my car, my table at Starbucks. I know a creepy crawly is up in her clothing somewhere, and I will NOT have one of them fall off of her and into my car or my house. I snatched that water and ran the hell out the door. I shook myself off as best I could and then went to the car wash to have my interior vacuumed out. As soon as I got home, I made a beeline for the shower and tossed my clothes in the wash.

I'm still itchy thinking about that hot azz mess. Have yall ever experienced anything like that?? Get at me in the comments

Weekend Wrap Up

2007-07-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

I'm so offended that it's Monday again and I'm back in the corprate cubicle trying to look and be important, when I could be outside enjoying what was supposed to be my vacation. Damned senior level employees snatched up all the good vacation days, hmph. I want to go back to my weekend. BOOOOO. Ok, I'm done whining now.

My weekend was nice, and the weather was soooo beautiful. D and I actually got to spend the whole weekend together for once. I absolutely hate his schedule!! But I guess that's the life of a cop. BOOOO. Damn, I need to work on sounding more grateful. Anyhoo, we went to dinner and he kept saying, "Do you know what tomorrow is?". I was ready to stomp my feet like a two year old and tell him to 'Gimme my ring!!'. But I just played along.

Saturday we went to a cookout a few of my friends were having and had some less than yummy grilled food. I mean, how do you tell the hostess that you don't want anymore food because the burgers taste like sautéed tractor tires? Her man, who did the cooking, went on and on and on and on about how good his cooking was, but me and D had to hit CVS for some Pepto Bismol after we left. All I could think was the part of 'Rapper's Delight' that goes "...you ever went over your friend's house to eat and the food just ain't no good...."

Afterwards, we drove around for a little while and we pulled over and he gave me my ring. YAY!! I would go into more details, cuz it's much better than it sounds, but he wants to do that himself. He'll be doing a guest spot this week so he can explain it in his own words. He doesn't even read this blog, but he wants his side of the story out there. Cute.

So skip to Sunday. We went looking seriously at townhouses again, cuz we just found out that our rent is going up and will be about the equivalent of what our mortgage would be for a house in our price range. We found one that we absolutely love, and we're getting started on the paperwork now. I'm skurred and excited all at the same time. So much is going on in my life right now and I don't know what end is up, but I'm enjoying it.

The rest of the day we just chilled and had dinner outside. Nothing special, but those are the best days.

Hope yall had a good weekend!

Friday Foolishness

2007-06-29T09:03:00.000-04:00

Do people give a thought to what kind of car they have when they're buying rims? 22 inch rims in steel grey don't look right on a seafoam green Corolla.

There is a place up the street from our place that allows you to rent to own your rims, and it is always packed in there. It's a damn shame when there's a Rent-A-Center version of Pimp My Ride. Ladies, make sure your man is up to date with his payments, you wouldn't want to be out with him and he gets his rims reposessed.

What happened in LL Cool J's life that he went from "Rock the Bells" and "Around the Way Girl" to being a wanna be fitness guru?

Is the state of the black man really that jacked up? I've had 3 different people ask me if D is black because they've never heard of a black man actually wanting to get married.

Some women need to realize that just because it's made in their size doesn't mean they should wear it. Not every outfit flatters every body shape. Especially when your body is shaped like Swamp Thing.

I'm ready to melt every pair of those plastic Crocs shoes in existence. They are not cute unless paired with medical scrubs.

My mom told me that she's going up to the casino on the Reservation about 100 miles from her house this weekend. But not to gamble. She's going to buy cheap, tax-free cigarettes. Umm. Damn mama.

Is it really okay for strangers to tell me that I remind them of a Kid Sister Doll? I guess it is, because a bunch of people at work, who I don't even know have said that to me while waiting for food in the cafeteria. What the hell does that mean anyway?

Two of my friends are going to get boob jobs and butt implants together (they didn't invite me along cuz I have too much, lol). Am I supposed to send a get well card? What should it say??
Congratulations on your new tits and azz! Get well soon. Hope you don't get scars and strech marks!

I heard Monica and Brandy "The Boy is Mine" this morning and I got almost kinda sad. Brandy could have done so much with her life. But here's the video anyway:

Have a great weekend!!

Escalator to Hell

2007-06-28T09:52:00.000-04:00

I've just been informed that I'm on an express escalator to Hell. I guess I'll stop and get some cute red shoes along the way--gotta match the devil you know. *sigh*, the sarcasm.

I, like most other people, have the set of "that" family. The ones people don't really mess with because they're all certifiably crazy and that you can't really bring to many social functions because you know they'll embarass themselves and you.

My great aunt, she is one of them. My mom called and told her about the engagement (or pending engagement, however you want to look at it) and she was none too pleased about the news. Auntie Sharlese, who is close to elderly but far far from senile called me last night to vent her feelings about it.

Auntie: "Child. Child. Child. You know you gon' go to see Satan cuz this, right?"

Me: "Why Auntie?"

Auntie: "You aint posed to let no man axe you to marry him like that."

Me: "Why? I thought that was tradition."

Auntie: "A woman don't lay back and wait for no man to axe her questions like that. You posed to go get what you want. You weak child, you weak. You ain't gon' be no good wife. God don't like Ugly, and He don't like weak neither."

Me: "In what Bible does it say this?"

Auntie: "Don't question me."

Me: "Auntie, it's been nice talking to you, I have to go to bed."

I know there is no reasoning with her. Gotta love the fam!

Overnight Celebrity

2007-06-27T08:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was at the gas station and some young chick--about 16 years old--ran up to me and said, "Are you really La Bella Noire?" I was taken for a loop, but told her I was and she got all excited. "I hope your toes are better and I hope your job isn't so ghetto anymore", she said. I asked her where she knew me from and she said she saw my picture on one of my friend's Fac.e.book albums, then tracked me down to my blog from there.

I didn't know if I should be flattered or scared for my life. I know I've recognized people that I thought I saw online, but I never went up to them and invaded their personal bubble. And I've never staked someone out from a site like Mys.p.ace or F.ac.e.book to their blog and been proud of it. D said I should take down my pics and close my F.ac.ebook account because of this incident, but I'm not about to rearrange my life because of some kid.

But now I wonder, have any of yall ever run into someone from the internet? I don't mean someone you met on a dating site either--I mean you read their website or something and see them in person. Hmmm....?

They Call Me Mrs. Military

2007-06-25T21:39:00.000-04:00

So this weekend was lots of fun, and that's probably why I'm left with some kind of head cold. Ehh, well I left work early to rest, so I can't complain too much. Friday I went to my stepsister's house for my stepnephew's going away party. He's leaving for a college summer program, and won't be back for any real length of time before he starts his freshman year. Do the damn thing boy!! I'm so proud of him, it seems like only a few years ago he was graduating from 4th grade. I'm starting to feel old cuz all of my stepnieces and nephews are either graduating or getting married (a few of them are my age, since most of my step siblings are old enough to be my parents, but I digress). A few of his friends actually tried to holla at me. I guess I'm kinda flattered that a whole rack of 17- and 18-year olds think I've got it. One of them even went the "I can treat you better than your man" route. He was like, "I gotta car and I stay in the basement so it's like my own apartment". I had to take a drink just so I wouldn't laugh. Awww, cute but boo you need to step up your game. Then another one tried, "I'mma buy you a drank!!". Aww, poor thing, you aren't old enough to buy alcohol yet...and we're at a HS graduation party for your friend, so everyone knows how old you are. No dranks for you!

Saturday I went to brunch downtown with the girls, and it was nice for all of us to get out without someone's boyfriend in tow. It seems like when we go out, somebody's man feels the need to tag along. As Sister Toldja would say, that's poor design. We likened ourselves to a better version of "Girlfriends", cuz none of us really have issues like that, lol.

Saturday night, D and I had dinner as usual and he said he was going to work late since he wanted to spend some time with me. It's hard for us since we work opposite shifts--he works overnights and I work a regular 9-5 so some days I only get to see him for about 2 hours before he leaves for work. Anyhoo, we got comfy and started watching a movie, and I fell asleep as usual. For some reason, if I try to watch a movie with him on the sofa I always fall asleep without fail. I guess this was all in his plan.

He went to work and left me sleeping on the couch. When I woke up, I felt something cold around my neck. I sat up quick and saw it was a dog tag on a chain. Now, if you don't know, dog tags are important to military people. It kind of serves as their identification, since it has their name, religion, birthdate, etc stamped on them. They wear them while at combat so just in case they get killed, people know who that body is. I have one of D's dog tags from Afghanistan on my set of keys for my mom's house. I keep them there because my mom's house will always be home, and home is where your heart is. D is my heart, so he's on my home keys. Sounds silly, I know, but it makes sense to me. Anyway, I woke up and saw a dog tag on this chain, and I thought it was his, but when I looked closer I saw it was stamped with:

Mrs. Military,
Will You Marry Me?

His nickname with his people is Military, so I'm Mrs. Military by default. His friends call me that sometimes, so it's cute. I went to the bedroom to get the phone to call him and I saw an envelope on the bed. I read the note, and it said...

"This is just the beginning. Not official yet."

I was all confused, so I forgot the phone and ran in the bathroom to get kleenex to wipe my eyes, but there was another note taped to the mirror. It said:

"You are cordially invited to a celebration of us next Saturday, time and location are classified information. Remember, not official yet"

I finally managed to get him on the phone and ask him what's going on and all he would say was "you'll see...you'll see". When he got home from work Sunday morning, I grilled him, but he only gave a little bit of information. He said the dog tag was the unoffical proposal, and to just be patient. So I guess I'm engaged now. Unofficially anyway, but that works for me. I know the ring is coming, but the dog tag means just as much because I know that to an ex-military person, those things mean so much. So now, that dog tag is on my every day keys cuz they go everywhere I do, and so does my love.

The rest of Sunday went by in a blur, but I did manage to catch a cold. Fun. *rolls eyes* I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too!

How come...?

2007-06-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

Because it's Friday and I'm lazy, here are some of the (stupid) questions on my mind...

-How come tourists forget that not all of us are on vacation? We live and work here dammit, get out of the way. NO I don't want to take your picture in front of the Metro sign.

-How come management gets all tight lipped when they have to fire someone on your team, but the next week they're talkin all kinds of shit about that person. Unprofessional maybe?

-How come I saw a lady wearing a suit pushing a stroller this morning but there was no baby inside--just a case of Heineken? And she was smoking a Black n' Mild. Hmmmm

-How come one of my credit cards expired on May 31 and I still haven't received the new one. And every time I call, the people say "it's on it's way". I just called, and they're deactivating the one that was on it's way and sending me a new one overnight with delivery confirmation. It's a shame I had to get almost ign'ant to get some decent service

-How come I keep hearing Mo'nique on the radio?

-How come when I go to buy shoes, my size is always sold out?

-How come it seems like certain races of people weren't meant to be drivers and shouldn't be allowed on the road? I'm not being hateful or racist, I'm just going on pure observation.

-How come people get offended when people can't pronounce their name properly the first time they see it. Yesterday, some woman got mad when I called and asked for her and screwed her name up...it's spelled Aphiysiza. WTF is that?

-How come traffic can be moving at a good clip, but the moment you realize that you have to pee, it comes to a grinding halt?

-How come some women tell me that I should just let myself go completely since I have a man? Damn, is it okay for me to want to look good for ME??

-How come so many people lie about being in a Greek organization? Everyone knows you're lying, so stop the games.

-How come so many people think it's okay to say to me and other New Yorkers, "Yall are some loud people. Within 5 minutes of talkin to you, we know you're from NY. Yall are so daggone RUDE"? Damn, we aren't all like that (all the time anyway).

-How come I saw a beaver in front of my apt. complex yesterday? I think it was a beaver anyway. I wasn't trying to stick around to find out.

-How come it's not time for me to leave work yet!? I'm can taste my margarita now. Happy hour is not coming quick enough!

What are your plans for the weekend? I'll be enjoying some fun times with the girls tonight and tomorrow and house hunting with D on Sunday. Whatever you get into, have fun and be safe!

Similac on your breath...

2007-06-21T09:40:00.001-04:00

This morning on my way to work I had a few extra minutes, so I stopped to get a smoothie and a muffin. Normally I wouldn't stop at this place because a lot of construction workers tend to congregate there, and their trucks take up too much of the pitifully small parking lot. But whatever--I had time, so I took the chance.

I couldn't even get in the door before I heard, "Yeah baby! You look good, probably still drinking from your mama's bosom!"

So I looked behind me and of course it was Willie. You all know Willie...the type of man who just looks like he has a closet full of Member's Only jackets and a few leisure suits. He looks like he can fry the hell out of some catfish and make a mean pulled pork BBQ sandwich. He wears shorts with dress socks and sandals and has a random assortment of gold chains. He might even have a part cut into his high top fade. Yeah...that guy.

I tried like hell to ignore him, and kept going toward the counter. He found some way to get all behind me and I could just feel his hot azz Colt 45-laden breath on the back of my neck. That mess made me so nauseous, and I guess in trying to focus on ordering my stuff and keep my stomach settled, I blacked out just a bit and I didn't hear him order. Apparently he said to the person taking his order that he would pay for mine cuz when I got to the register to pay, they said it was already taken care of.

I took a quick look back and saw him staring at me all crazy. He gave me a wink and opened his mouth enough to show me his gold tooth. I swear I saw a diamond chip in it just gleaming. I mumbled a thank you and tried to get out as fast as I could. My gotdamned sandals and my still jacked-up toe were slowing me down terrible though, so of course he caught up with me.

"Why you runnin? I'm just trying to get to know you"

"Umm, thanks for paying for my food. That was nice"

"So you got a man? Cuz you and me, we could be good together"

"Yeah, I'm practically married"

"I betcha he can't take care of you like I could. I have benefits"

"I have benefits too, and I need to get to my job so I can keep them. Have a nice day"

"Damn, them young girls...So much spunk"

I hurried up and got in my car and rolled out. I saw from my side mirror that he got in what else but a Cadillac. *sigh* I guess I'll stick to the McD's drive through for breakfast from now on, but it was nice getting my food paid for. Damn, I hope he didn't write my license plate # down and try to track me down that way.

Gracious

2007-06-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

With all the stuff I've been trying to deal with the last few weeks concerning my parents, especially the last few days, I've been less than enjoyable to be around. I don't know how D has managed to deal with me, but he's done a great job...

Hunny,
Thank you so much for being there with me as I go through this hard time. I'm sure there are plenty of other things you'd rather be doing than wiping tears from my eyes and hugging me when I'm shaking like a leaf from crying so hard. Thank you so much for assuring me that I'm still beautiful through tears and snot and kleenex. Thank you for continuing to hold me up when I feel like I can't take much more. Thank you for being willing to fight through all of this with me, and for allowing some of this to fall on your shoulders because you know mine are getting weak. Thank you for making your arms the safest, most comfortable place in the world.

You could very easily judge me and consider me less than, because you know exactly who's who in your world. But you don't, and neither does any of your family. I was afraid if you told your mom that she'd get to thinking I was some low-life ghetto trash, but instead she gave me the biggest hug anyone has ever given me, and she and your dad told me that if I needed a set of parents--a mom and a dad--here in MD cuz my mom and stepdaddy are so far away in NY that they consider me their daughter. That means more to me than I can properly express to you.

You've made it so easy for me to share my ups, downs, and indifferences with you and since I made this discovery, you've been nothing less than amazing. Thank you for calling my mom and having her mail my Glowworm to me when you saw me curled up in a fetal position crying my eyes out. That toy was like a security blanket for me as I watched my parents fight and what not when I was little, so it means soo much that you listened and knew what would help me smile.

Thanks for being willing to help me figure out how to ask the difficult questions of my family, and being willing to stand beside me as I try to get the words out. I'm not sure when I'll be ready to do that, but I know the day is coming, and knowing that I don't have to do it alone means so much.

I could go on and on, but there really is no need. Thank you for being amazing. I love you!

Fathers, Daughters, and Unknowns

2007-06-18T21:42:00.000-04:00

Today, the day after the cards and ties and hugs have been exchanged, I'm still left feeling a little empty. Father's Day is now a difficult holiday for me to be jubilant about because now there are more questions than answers.

When I was born, I had a father. Just one. As shitty as he was to me, he was my father and later on became the representation of what a man isn't supposed to be. Every Father's Day, I'd make him a construction paper card with all the love in the world, even though he showed much less than that love back to me. He usually wasn't around to get the cards, but my mom would take them and promise me that he'd get them. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I found her collection of cards that she stashed away. The cards all had "Return to Sender" marked on them. At least she tried.

Then my mom got remarried. My stepfather was and still is everything my father could never be. I understand now the meaning of a daddy's girl. That's me. He's my daddy, and many people don't realize that he's not my father. That's how tight we are. Every Father's Day he's there appreciative of whatever gift he receives, even if it's just a phone call. He's held my hand as I go from being under the watchful eyes of him and my mom to standing on my own two feet. It's been hard to experience my loyalty shifting from my father to my daddy. He's my forever rock, and I'll always be his little girl. The youngest. The baby. That's my daddy.

Then it hit me a few weeks ago. Everything I experienced with my father growing up may have been in vain. I ran across a medical report of his from before the divorce while I was cleaning at my mom's house. The blood type didn't match what I've been told my whole life. I asked him about it a few days later, and he confirmed what the report said. I'm a biology nerd at heart, so I went back and re-read my genetics notes and my heart sank. His blood type plus my mother's blood type can't produce mine. Not possible. That lead me to think about a close "friend" my mom would bring around after her and my father got divorced. He was the closest thing I had to a dad between the ages of 3 and 5. Birthday gifts and hugs, trips to the circus and cotton candy. Later on I found out that he was her high school sweetheart, they had planned on getting married. He was also her "confidant" while she was going through the mire with my father. She would retreat back to NYC and hang out with him for the weekend. And him and I have the same blood type. Her blood type plus his could produce mine.

His daughter and I look so much alike it's scary. He referred to me as his little one a few times that I can remember. I wish I had a better answer, but I don't. He died the day before I started 6th grade due to a bad asthma attack. I have a hat of his, and his mother gave me his favorite pair of winter gloves. I'm tempted to do the DNA test, but that might make everything too clear. Answers to my questions would simply beget more questions. I'm not sure if I'm ready to know if my father is really that nice guy I considered an uncle. I'm not sure if I'm ready to consider the idea of my mother lying to save face. I'm not sure I feel like continuing my thoughts about this...

Father's Day...

2007-06-17T22:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all the dads (and moms who have to be dad).

I have a lot on my mind about fathers and daughters, but I don't have it in me to let it all out yet, so pardon the short post. I'll get back to it tomorrow, be blessed.

Somebody's Watchin Me....

2007-06-12T09:42:00.000-04:00

I think I've got a cyber stalker, and it's someone I kinda know. This is uncharacteristic of me, but...

***PLEASE BACK THE FUCK UP!!***

Dear Stalker,

I love that people stop by this here blog and read about the mess that goes on in my life and the stuff I think about. But I don't like the fact that I've had limited real-world contact with you, yet you think you really know me and the stuff that goes on in my life cuz you read this blog. I know you're watching me like a hawk to see if I say or do something out of line on this blog so you can try to use that ish against me and gain some ground on me. I hope that's not the case, and I want you to prove me wrong. I have a whole lot I could say about this, but I'mma keep my mouf shut cuz I'm better than that. But I feel your eyes on me. Heh.

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I have been watching you. In your cars that is. I have a pretty long commute every day, and I see people doing the nastiest and stupidest shit in their cars....

-I know you think boogers are a good source of protein, and they very well may be. But if you're going to eat them, please do so in the privacy of your own home or bathroom or something with thick walls and no windows. You are grown, for the love of God, stop eating your snot. Vomit!!!

-Girl, I know People is a good magazine. I have a subscription myself. But I read it sitting on my sofa at home. You shouldn't be reading the articles at the stoplight.

-Sudoku is a fun puzzle. It keeps me occupied at work a lot. It shouldn't keep you occupied on the highway. I know the traffic jams stop traffic sometimes, but it's easier just to listen to the radio. All that juggling of the newspaper and a pen is really hard and you might avoid smashing your car up.

-Speaking of smashing cars up, accidents happen everyday. Especially in an area like this. You will see them often. It's the same deal everytime--bent up metal, maybe some injured people, and police cars. There is NO need for you to look at the accident as you drive by. It slows down traffic and might even cause another accident.

-Blackberry + Soda + Driving = Stupid. Stop it.

-I eat in the car all the time. But it's something I can eat with my hands like fries or fruit. Why are you eating eggs and sausage with a fork? You'd probably be the one to sue McD's if the food spills and ruins your upholstery.

-Just because it's dark doesn't mean we can't see in your car, especially if you don't have tints and we're on a busy street (that means streetlights and such). That is not a good time to give your man "road head". If you're going to do some stupid ish like that, wait till you're on the highway.

-You can't have a conversation with the people in the car next to you when you're going 40 mph. It just don't happen like that, so stop trying. Wait till you get to the light and roll the windows down and shout, or better yet, pull the f**k over.

The Ex-Games

2007-06-11T10:27:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, D and I went shopping (well, he and his boy did the man thing and went to the DuClaw bar at Arundel Mills while me and his boy's fiancée did the shopping) and to his neice's high school graduation party. On the way to the party, we stopped to get gas. Of course, who do we see but my ex. I really didn't think anything of it, figured I'd say hey and keep it moving. Which is exactly what happened, except for him giving me that wink as we were leaving. I knew he was trying to be up to no good.

We got home around 1AM, and I checked my email and of course Ex-Factor had clogged up my inbox. He sent me 4 e-cards all talkin about he's sorry and wants to give things another chance, blah blah blah. I guess his wifey caught the same clue I did and left his ass in the dust. Needless to say, I was not amused, didn't find it cute, and was not trying to make amends with him. I showed D the emails and cards and he busted out laughing, pointing out the fact that ex-factor misspelled my name not once, but twice! Tashia and Toshha. WTF?! Anyhoo, we laughed about it, but I didn't respond to the e-cards. I figured he'd get the hint and leave me alone.

Sunday, I check my email again and this fool had the nerve to send me a 3 page long "I'm sorry I f***ed up, please take me back" email. I was tempted to have D email him back with the "don't mess with my woman" message, but I didn't even have to go that route. I read the email closely and saw that he messed up for real. I guess what he sent me was a form letter where the names can be copied and pasted as needed cuz in places where my name should have been, some other chick's name (his last gf I assume) was there. For example...

"...Tasha, you are the center of my universe. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to realize this, and I know it's no on your schedule, but give me the opportunity to show you...Alejandra, this is the realest I can be. I'm giving you my soul and I hope you take the time to think about..."

All I did was highlight the wrong name (NINE TIMES IN THE LETTER!!) and send it back to him with a note, "Send this to Alejandra, cuz it wasn't meant for me and if it was, I don't want it". I got a response from him and all it said was, "Damn."

That's exactly why he's my ex. LMAO!

Don't Be Crude...

2007-06-08T11:32:00.000-04:00

...Cuz I would never be that crude to yooouuu!

Sorry, I know those aren't the real words to the song, but I got carried away. I'm fully expecting Bobby Brown to come chase after me for royalties in a crack induced stupor. Riiiiight.

Anyway, Ladies, lemme holla at'chall for a minute. The whole reason I'm singin 'bout some don't be crude is because of, how shall I put this...your restroom etiquette. Look, we're all grown here, so I'mma just keep it real.

-Flush the gotdamned toilet when you're done. Are you really that lazy? Did you actually forget to do this as you walked away??

-You know that cutesy pie lil' plaque you have over your bathroom at home (which applies to the men in your home) that says "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat"? Well, if you are a public restroom "squatter" (you know what I mean)then this applies to you as well.

-"It's the first of the month...so cash yo' checks and get up...." Sorry, carried away with the songs again. But dammit, I'm talkin to you with the music. That time of the month? I know it sucks, really I know cuz I'm a woman too. But for the love of all things good, please clean up after yourself. It is HELLA disturbing to walk up on a stall with an errant soiled tampon in the toilet it's remnants all over the seat.

-Look. Be real with yourself and us. We know that when you get in the stall and get all quiet and don't move at all, that you gots some *ahem* bidness to handle. If you're that worried about being heard, go to the solo-restroom on the first floor. Or on your break, go to the 7-11 and blow it up, girl. If you think someone may recognize your shoes, before you go to the restroom, change your shoes and go to a different floor where you don't know anyone. Be creative, cuz just sitting there like a lame duck waiting for the restroom to clear out ain't gon' bring you or the rest of us any relief.

-Those seat protectors are for your seat. The toilet seat. Not the floor. Not the stall door, not the wall. Please take one as you enter, and use it to protect your seat. The toilet seat. Not the floor. Not the stall door, not the wall. Thank you for your cooperation.

-The restroom is not Lee's Nails. Please, it's already funky enough. There is no need to mix bathroom bad odors with acrylic-smelling nail polish. Handle that after work, mmmk?

-I can't believe that you and the Shenquisha Wanda Monée Charnay Jenkins wannabe actually had the nerve to set up your electric hot comb and flat iron in the bathroom and leave them there all day with a note that said "Please don't touch. Signed, L." And yall were fixin that hair up at lunch and your "smoke break" time burnin hair grease and all that. There are no good dudes here, are you that pressed for some "I wanna f*** you" attention from the peanut gallery in the cafeteria at lunch? Lemme stop before I say too much.

-Paper towels are for drying your hands, not for writing down your phone number to give to the janitor.

-Look, I understand sometimes you take your infant to the mall, and while you're there you may have to change a diaper or two. But my goodness, you put your baby's bare azz on the counter/sink??? That's just wrong. Five yard penalty. Put a towel or blankie or something down. Germs, woman! They can get in your baby's bum. Your baby's bum can spread some germs to the counter which may then be passed to other people.

Damn, just damn.